Doula Mama

2010-07-12T17:40:00.003-04:00

I've been a childbirth educator at a small hospital in Ohio for a little over two years. We have the privilege of being the only hospital in the state to offer a true Lamaze class. Our class is 3 hours long and meets once a week for 4 weeks. Generally, of the 10 open seats in the class, 4 are filled a month. Sometimes more and sometimes less. This month I have 7 couples! And they are all birthing at our hospital! (Usually it is about 50/50.)

I was thrilled! Was word finally getting out about our amazing class? Are more people finally wanting to learn more about their birth? Regardless, I was really looking forward to teaching this class series.

After I welcomed everyone I started to give a brief overview of the class. When I started talking about class two, everyone looked confused. One person spoke up and said they thought the class was a one time class...and everyone else nodded their head in agreement. Someone else said that it being a one-time, 3 hour class was the only reason they signed up for it.

My heart sank. I didn't know what to say. I asked them a few questions:

How many of you have spent at least 6 hours looking at and registering for baby items?
How many of you have spent at least 6 hours designing, decorating and painting the baby's room?

To no surprise everyone raised a hand to at least one question and most everyone to both questions.

WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Why do people put so much importance on things that really don't matter? Really, your baby won't care what color room he/she has!

It is after classes like this that I question why I do what I do.

Why do I spend my entire Sunday away from my family teaching people who really don't give a damn? I could be sitting by the pool, reading a good book, spending some quality time with my husband and kids. I do love what I do...I just wish the parents understood the importance of what is to come for them.

The First Day of the Last Year of My Twenties

2010-07-07T22:13:00.002-04:00

My friend Kristen had the great idea to set 29 goals to accomplish before her 30th birthday. Today is her half-birthday and she posted a midyear progress report.

Today also happens to be my 29th birthday. Here's my list:

Attend the DONA International Birth Doula Trainer Workshop in New Mexico.
Complete the DONA International Birth Doula Trainer program.
Read The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King.
Blog at least once a week, and maybe even more than that.
Write a table of contents, outline and write at least 2 chapters of the book Kim and I want to write and publish. (It will be a book about childbirth from the perspective of a Labor & Delivery Nurse and a Birth Doula)
Cook a new dinner once a month.
Buy a new Jeep Wrangler...and pay cash for it.
Find a Christian church that meets all three of my requirements: 1. GLBT friendly, 2. Great music, 3. Kid friendly.
Strengthen my relationships with ALL of my parents.
Go backpacking at least 4 times.
Finish the sweater I am knitting.
Take my kids to the zoo, COSI, library, etc. more often.
Teach the Breastfeeding Preparation Class at RMH (I'll be the first non-IBCLC to teach the class).
Start and finish the Couch to 5k program (bad knees and all).
Convince the doctors at Kingsdale to not ban all doulas.
Teach Lydia how to knit.
No more fast food.
Listen to more of Jim's music.
Teach an Evidence-Based Care for Nurses class.
Help new doulas become experienced doulas.
Read the Harry Potter series to my kids.
Strengthen my relationship with both Becky and Lexie.
Beat the new Zelda Wii game (hopefully it will be out before I'm 30!).
Catch a fish.
Provide more learning opportunities for my kids.
Take more pictures.
Make my bed in the mornings.
Play more board games with my kids.
Truly forgive those who have hurt me.

I can do all these things, right? Right?! :D

Lamaze Fun

2008-09-12T22:42:00.002-04:00

I'm at the Lamaze Conference in Kentucky and am having a BLAST! I'm sharing a room with my two best buddies and my sort of boss from one of the hospitals I sort of work at. I got to see Orgasmic Birth last night and tonight we watched Pregnant in America. I am loving being around like-minded women. Two more days of birth-love bliss!

Child Care

2008-09-02T00:45:00.002-04:00

I have spent the last 4 hours searching for child care. I should mention that 3 of those 4 hours I spent reading ads on two different sites and clicking on profiles only to find out that I have to pay almost $100.00 to have access to the person's email address (and for only 30 days). Then I looked at different nanny agencies in Columbus, Ohio. Ha! One place wants a $500.00 application fee AND also charges $1000.00 after you sign a nanny. Dude, I just need someone who is kind and gentle to watch my kids 20 hours a week. No cooking (except maybe pouring milk into a bowel of cereal or buttering toast), no cleaning, no running errands, easy-breezy stuff. Why the hell does this have to be so freaking hard? And what the hell do people with even less money than us do for childcare?

ARRGG!!! I need to work to make money for childcare but I can't work because I have no childcare. Sigh. I know this will work its self out sooner or later...I'm hoping for sooner.

Hillary Clinton Supporters, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!

2008-08-25T10:11:00.003-04:00

Really? Really?!?! You really are going to go from voting for HRC to McCain? And as if that isn't enough, you are in an ad telling others to do the same?!?!?! I hope your proud of that ad when Roe v. Wade is overturned. When your son (if you have one) is drafted to fight in more war. When you loose your job due to our economy. And don't give me that crap about holding Roe v. Wade over your head. I am sick of hearing HRC supporters say they are being held hostage by the DNC using the argument of Roe v. Wade. It isn't holding you hostage! It isn't holding it over your head! If McCain is the next POTUS, we've lost our right to choose! And with that, the last of our birthing rights will go down the drain too. This is a truth! This is a fact YOU HAVE TO FACE!!!!!!!

She lost. She did not run the best campaign. She assumed she would be the nominee and didn't really work to ensure it. What is that old saying about assuming things? You make an ass out of you and me? She didn't loose because sexism in the media; hell, they declared her the nominee in freaking 2006!* She didn't loose because of the DNC. She lost because she didn't plan on running a campaign after "Super Tuesday".

I'm sick of hearing about how they got the same amount of votes. NO THEY DIDN'T! In PRIMARIES they received the same number of votes. This does not include caucus states. Their individual votes aren't counted in the popular vote. And you CANNOT count MI and FL. Obama's name was not even on the ballot in MI. And while Hillary did "win" in MI, she received 55.23% of the vote. 40.07% of the vote went uncommitted. 238,168 people showed up just to vote AGAINST her (266,089 people if you count those who voted uncommitted and votes for Dodd, Kucinich, and Gravel). Not to mention the fact that Hillary herself said MI WOULD NOT COUNT! On New Hampshire Public Radio on October 11, 2008, HRC said "You know, it's clear, this election they're having is not going to count for anything."

I am angry and I am freaking scared to death that McCain could win this thing because of HRC supporters. Come on people, think about the reason you vote for the person you vote for!

*I am not saying that there was no sexism in the media, please understand this.

This one's for Lindsay (and anyone else who has thoughts on the matter)

2008-08-15T20:40:00.008-04:00

OK, this is going to be a long one so grab some popcorn and a drink 'cause here we go!

On "Digital Scrapbook #8" Lindsay commented:

Do you think there is an order to Kasl's human value list? it is stated as "gender, race, class, position, religion, age, appearance, ethnic background, physical ability" i recently had a theory about this list and if they are treated equally or if some have more privilege than others and it was based on the outcome of the democratic presidential campaign.

Let me start by saying that I have not read all of Kasl's book. We read chapters from different books throughout the quarter. The list stated above is from chapter 3 "Is Addiction Inevitable? Patriarchy, Hierarchy, and Capitalism" in the book Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps. Any quotes from Kasl in this post are from this chapter. Also, I'm just guessing and giving my point of view; I am not an expert on this subject by any means. Now that I've gotten my paranoid disclaimer out of the way, I can give my thoughts on the matter.

In terms of a certain order to Kasl's human value list, she has created an illustration of hierarchy and patriarchy in the United States. I don't have an image file for it so just know that it looks like a triangle and at the top is are white men with images implying power and authority. The men are separated from everyone else by a chain-link fence. Below the fence we see everyone else (I didn't type these in any particular order): the white wives of the men above the fence, athletes, criminals, divorce, singers, teachers, the elderly, gay and lesbian couples, single mothers, those on welfare, drug dealers, Native Americans, etc. Here is what she writes about the illustration (emphasis at the end is hers, not mine):

If we look at our illustration of hierarchy and patriarchy, we see people of different genders, ages, colors, races, classes, educations, or economic situations. To survive this system, all of them have been conditioned to lose, bury, or not develop parts of themselves. it could be their ability to love, cry, show tenderness, feel pain, express anger, experience their fear, be assertive, or pursue their personal hopes and dreams. The part that gets lost or buried or never developed depends on where they are in the hierarchy, their particular childhood circumstances, and their personal empowerment. This ties in with our discussions of the human energy system--chakras--that follows.
For example, the white males at the top get to set the rules, but are cut off from their sensitivity and love because they must blind themselves to the fact that they are living off the backs of the people below them. The people who live below the chain-link fence spend a lot of time figuring out the rules of the people who live above them because they have to survive in their world. Thus they may have insight into the workings of the people above them, but they may not have a lot of time left to understand themselves. And the ones on the very bottom are exhausted simply trying to survive. This hinders them from experiencing the luxury of self-exploration and personal growth.
When we have parts of ourselves buried or undeveloped, we feel out of harmony, empty, or off-center, and often experience a sense of alienation that results in an inner void fueling both compulsive and addictive behavior as well as codependency. Gotta fill up the emptiness, gotta get rid of the pain and desperation. Give me money, sex, drugs, food, status, a wife, a husband. We engage in compulsive or addictive behavior so we don't have to feel what's inside. Patriarchy/hierarchy maintains and perpetuates addictive and dependent behavior in order to cover up the incredible losses of self and separateness created by our system.

I type all of this out to show that there does seem to be an order to this list as it relates to addiction. Within the context of the primaries for the Democratic Primaries, I think there are a couple of ways of looking at a potential order to the list. Kasl stresses that "the motivating force behind the white men at the top is often fear of losing their control over others" (73). Keeping this in mind, here are my thoughts.

In her illustration, the image of "two Black adult men being admired by a little boy" is farther down in the hierarchy than any of the images representing middle or upper-middle class white women. For the image of Black men, Kasl says that "by the age of eight, this inner-city boy realizes that he is unlikely to have access to the mainstream United States privileges of education and respect, so he is finding his heroes. Who are they? The local drug dealers." (70). Because of Obama's race and his admitted issues with drugs, one could argue that he would be more oppressed. If he is able to climb over the chain-link fence, he might give other Black Americans the idea that they could too, thus threatening the status quo. On the flip side, because middle and upper-middle class, white women are closer to the chain link fence, they could be perceived as a bigger threat to the men above the fence. Some of these women are directly below the fence, specifically the wives of the men in power. Therefore, Clinton would face more opposition as she grew up as a white, middle class girl and she is also the wife of one of the men above the fence, making her the bigger threat.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am an Obama supporter and have been since the end of February. I started off as an Edwards supporter.

Before the primaries got underway, my only problem with Clinton was that, for a majority of my life (all but 7 years), there has been either a Bush or a Clinton in office. This just doesn't sit right with me. As the primaries started, I began to actually dislike Clinton. When I would listen to her or her supporters speak, I felt like she had a sense of entitlement; that the Presidency was somehow owed to her. The tactics she resorted to sickened me. I felt like she was willing to risk a Democrat loosing in November if it wasn't her name on the ballot. And I feel like her behavior and actions hurt women more then it helped advance us. But these are my issues with her. Do I think this is why she didn't win? Perhaps it played a role in it.

I don't think she ran her campaign as well as Obama did. Again, going back to the issue of entitlement, she was the presumptive nominee before a single ballot had been cast. She didn't campaign as much as she should have in the months running up to the first primaries because everyone figured it was in the bag. It seemed like her campaign didn't even have plan beyond February 5th (Super Tuesday).

In the end, the thing that bothered me the most was her insistence that, including Michigan and Florida, she had more popular votes than he did. The problem here is that the popular vote count doesn't include the caucus states, which mostly went for Obama. So, every vote should count, but only for states who hold primaries and not those who hold a caucus? And her including Florida and Michigan after she herself said their primaries shouldn't count? Of course this was when she thought it was in the bag, there was no question she was going to be the nominee.

This is not to say I think Obama is perfect, I don't. But he ran a very different campaign because no one assumed anything. And, perhaps because he didn't need to, I don't feel like he resorted to the type of dirty tactics that she did. He was certainly doing his fair share of mud slinging, but Clinton went several steps farther. In the end, Obama ran a better campaign.

Did she loose because of sexism in the media? No. I'm not saying the media wasn't sexist in some of its coverage, certainly there were sexist remarks made. Just as there were racist remarks made. But this same sexist media is the very same media that declared her the presumptive nominee months before the primaries started.

I think I'll end this here for now but I would love to hear what others think, regardless of if you agree with me or think I'm full of shit. I love talking politics!

When Doulaing, College and Motherhood Collide

2008-08-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

Any one of these things on their own can be stressful. And when they collide into one another the results can be overwhelming. To make matters worse, I am a procrastinator. I try not to be, really I do. I try to look at my week and spread things out and then, all of the sudden, it's 3:30PM on Friday and I have a blog due at 5PM and my kids are begging for some attention but the 13 year old won't play with them, the phone is ringing, people are hungry, the dogs are barking, and I'm wishing I had one of those "easy" buttons from Staples, but one that actually works. I guess my point is that I realize much of the stress of this week was my own doing by procrastinating and I own that.

This was my final week of summer quarter. I have one final next week then I'm done. The final week of the quarter is often when final papers and projects are due. Typically it is a good idea to not schedule too much else for this week, and, because I know this, I didn't schedule anything else for this week. Apparently I forgot that you can't schedule life, 'cause it just happens whether you want it to or not.

After working all day on Sunday, I came home to a very upset husband. He and one of his daughters, the very same one who watch Cole and Lydia during the week for us, had an argument about babysitting and other chores. In the end, it was decided that she would no longer be watching Cole and Lydia, leaving us trying to find childcare for 8:30 the next morning at 10pm Sunday night. I guess God thought we did such a good job handling the situation because it was only the beginning.

Apparently, allergic reactions from an allergy shot, which requires racing your 13 year old to the ER, don't care that you've got a project and a paper to finish. When you are the 7th & 8th grade volleyball coach for the non-competitive team, you don't get much of a say for when to hold tryouts. To be fair, none of the coaches do, we are all at the mercy of the gym the tryouts are being held at. And then, as I was just starting to get caught up with school work, my last doula client went into labor early Thursday morning. Again, I take full ownership on this one. I didn't have to take a client who was due at the end of the quarter. Maybe I was hoping that because she was a first timer and not due until the 24th I would be pretty safe. I was wrong. So after struggling to find someone to watch the kids (Jim had already taken two days off this week and had a meeting in Dayton he couldn't reschedule) for a couple of hours I headed to be with my laboring clients. I brought my work with me in case I got the chance to get some of it done but that was wishful thinking. The labor and birth was awesome. Mom did an amazing job, as did dad. Their birth was was just fan-freaking-tastic! But shortly after the baby was born into the hands of his mom (with help from the doc), he started having trouble breathing. He ended up going to the nursery for oxygen and further evaluation. The doctor and nursing staff debated on if he needed to be transfered to Children's Hospital. Side note: the hospital mom birthed at has a nursery and the ability to stabilize babies who aren't doing well, but they don't have a NICU. This means if their son hadn't started to show any signs of improvement within a certain time frame he would have to go somewhere that could do more for him. By midnight baby was doing better, not great, but better. After convincing mom and dad to go to bed and get some sleep, I too went home to get some sleep. After tossing and turning most of the night, I got out of bed by about nine this morning to hungry kids. Made them waffles for breakfast as I called my clients to check in on them and returned some other calls. After breakfast I sat down to finish my paper for History. My kids had other plans. They were being wild and crazy and driving me nuts. Now don't get me wrong, I totally get that they were acting this way because they were in desperate need of my attention after not seeing me much for almost two full days. I knew and understood why this was happening. But that doesn't mean my history instructor who has already given me an extra day because of the birth will understand. We finally work something out and I get my paper finished a little after 3 this afternoon. Thinking I'm done, we run out for some Chipotle. When we get home around 4 I check my email and see a reminder about my final blog post for Women's Studies that is due in an hour. I start working right away but still have the kids to deal with. An hour and a half later I publish the post just in time to take one of my stepdaughters to crew practice.

And now here I sit, doing something just for me for the first time this week after snuggling with my little ones until they ran outside to play with friends. I didn't get all of my school work done but I believe I did the best that I could with what I had. I'm short two digital scrapbook postings for Women's Studies and one reading response for History, but it isn't the end of the world. Regardless of my grades in these classes, I learned so much from the classes themselves. Grades are just letters and numbers, knowledge is way more valuable.

Final Blog for Women's Studies 326 Women and Addiction

2008-08-15T15:14:00.002-04:00

I want you to reflect on your experience in the class-- How has your understanding of addiction changed? Are you able to integrate what you have learned in your real life or your major? Has the way you talk about, feel about, empathize towards addiction/addicts changed?

Before taking Women's Studies 326: Women and Addiction I though I understood addiction, maybe even a bit more than the average person. Now, after almost 10 weeks of reading and discussing addiction, I realize just how little I knew and understood about addiction, especially the relationship between addiction, patriarchy, hierarchy, and capitalism. Without a doubt, Charlotte Kasl's "Is Addiction Inevitable? Patriarchy, Hierarchy, and Capitalism" and Dr. Northrup's "The Patriarchal Myth and the Addictive System" are my two favorite readings from the quarter. Both of these readings are from the first weeks of the quarter, when I realized just how little I understood. I don't remember if I really even had an opinion on why people resort to addictive behaviors before this class. I think I felt like the reasons were mostly personal. Now, nothing seems personal to me. Everything seems so much more connected to the world in which we live, even how people behave and interact. Kasl's piece really helped me to see this. She writes (emphasis mine):

"Patriarchy, hierarchy, and capitalism create, encourage, maintain, and perpetuate addiction and dependency. Patriarchy and hierarchy are based on domination and subordination, which result in fear. This fear is expressed by the dominators through control and violence, and in the subordinated people through passivity and repression of anger. The external conflict of hierarchy between dominants and subordinates becomes internalized in individuals, creating personal inner chaos, anxiety, and duality. To quell the inner conflict people resort to addictive substances and behavior."

Kasl's talk of psychic numbing and dissociation really helped me to understand how people with addiction issues don't see that the problems they face in life are caused by the addiction and not something else. While listening to the news or hearing other people talk about the problems we face as a society, I find myself thinking of her illustration of hierarchy and patriarchy and I've even yelled at the TV "outside solutions don't work for inside problems!" (yes, I know the people talking on the TV can't hear me).

Dr. Northup's writings really spoke to me as well, probably due to her talking about how women don't trust their bodies anymore, especially in relation to birth. Every time I teach, my main objective is to get women to trust their bodies and their inner wisdom.

I could write for hours about these two authors but since this blog was due 7 minutes ago I won't. I do want to end with an example of how my deeper understanding about addiction helped me at work.

Last week I took a young woman expecting her first and her mother on a tour of labor and delivery. The pregnant mom was very quiet and seemed very uncomfortable. While showing them a postpartum room the soon-to-be grandmother asked how long after delivery her daughter would be able to go downstairs and smoke. Ten weeks ago I would have been appalled. While I would have done my best to hide it, I know my feelings would show on my face. But I wasn't appalled. I answered the mother's question. The young woman then opened up a little bit and said she had tried to quit but wasn't able to give it up completely because everyone around her still smoked; her boyfriend, sisters, and parents. I told her that her situation makes it that much harder to quit. She seemed to perk up a bit more and said that she was able to cut back quite a bit. Her mom told me she was really surprised at how well her daughter was taking care of herself since becoming pregnant and that she was proud of her. I excitedly told the pregnant mom that she was doing awesome; that her cutting back was helpful, and, in taking better care of herself and eating healthier foods, she may be able to minimize some of the risks associated with smoking. We continued the tour and the pregnant mom seemed so much more comfortable with me. She even starting asking questions about the rest of her pregnancy, labor and birth. Had I not reacted the way I did to her mom's question, I think the situation would have been very different. But I didn't judge her and I didn't blame her, which is so often what I see others in the medical field do. This class did changed that for me.

Thank you, Ms. Genetin. Your class was awesome.

Digital Scrapbook #8

2008-08-13T04:53:00.001-04:00

"Shroud" by Ani DiFranco

I had to leave the house of fashion
And go forth naked from its doors
'cause women should be allies
And not competitors

In our patriarchal and capitalist society women often find themselves competing with each other, which only serves the maintain the status quo. Charlotte Kasl's piece "Is Addiction Inevitable? Patriarchy, Hierarchy, and Capitalism" explains that "because patriarchy assigns a secondary position to women, it creates a hierarchy, in which human value is determined by gender, race, class, position, religion, age, appearance, ethnic background, and physical ability" (55). These groups can either unite or compete for the highest position available. Kasl identifies the weapons of patriarchy to be "segmenting, separating, and isolating people" (60). When trying to escape isolation we may have to rely of self-destructive behavior in order to dissociate from our inner wisdom, what Kasl describes as "short-term relief from pain is exchanged for long-term destruction. This follows the model of patriarchy and capitalism, which is short-term economic gain at the price of long-term destruction of the ecosystem and people's spirits" (60). In the context of the this song, women are destroying other women to feel better about themselves.

And I had to leave the house of god
Because the cross replaced the wheel

This refers to the destruction on non-Christian religions, specifically pagan faiths.

And the goddesses were all out in the garden
With the plants that nurture and heal

Kasl refers to this as the Patriarchal Switch. She writes "historically, between 10,000 and 3,00 BC there is considerable evidence that we moved gradually from a Goddess-worshiping culture that revered life, nature, creation, and harmony to patriarchy" (60). The reference to the plants references the movement to modern medicine and away from maintaining health naturally.

I had to leave the house of privilege
Spent Christmas homeless and feeling bad
To learn that privilege is a headache
That you don't know that you don't have

Capitalism can only exist by "making people feel insecure, unlovable, and ashamed in order to have them purchase all kinds of things to make them--allegedly--attractive, lovable, and powerful" (Kasl, 62). But all of this stuff can't make us feel happy or loved, we only think it can.

And I had to leave the house of television
To start noticing the clouds
It's amazing the stuff you see
When you finally shed that shroud

We've become what the media wants us to be. Because so much time and energy is spent watching TV, we aren't allowing ourselves the time for reflection within ourselves.

I had to leave the house of conformity
In order to make art

In class, while discussing the drop in self-esteem when girls reach adolescence, we learned that their art work also changes as drawing is now seen as childish. Even girls who really enjoy creating art may feel pressure to fit in with the other girls and walk away from her love.

I had to be more or less true
To learn to tel the two apart

I think this means that life isn't black and white or absolute. There are shades of gray and periods of uncertainty.

And I had to leave the house of fear
Just about as soon as I could crawl
Ignore my face on the wanted posters
Stuck to the post office wall

In order to live life one cannot fear life. This is contrary to patriarchy and hierarchy as they "are based on domination and subordination, which result in fear" (Kasl 53).

I had to leave the house of self-importance
To doodle my first tattoo
Realize a tattoo is no more permanent
Than I am

The ability to realize you're not perfect nor will you ever be perfect and realizing your own mortality.

And who ever said that life is suffering
I think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
Ain't the power of transcendence
The greatest one we can employ

We have the ability to go through life with a positive or negative attitude. But if all we see is suffering, then we will only ever experience suffering. This doesn't mean a person with a positive attitude never experiences pain or suffering, they do, they just navigate through it with a brighter outlook.

Digital Scrapbook #7

2008-08-12T19:51:00.001-04:00

“Obama and McCain: Where They Stand on Addiction Issues” by Bob Curley

The Presidential Election of 2008 has been underway for several weeks now. We often hear about the candidates’ views on major issues such as taxes, war, education, terrorism, and health care. We also hear about their views on made up issues like who is and who isn’t wearing a flag lapel pin or who is more American. Rarely do we hear political discussions based on each candidate’s stance on addiction issues. And really, the more I think about it, I don’t recall ever hearing a question about these issues in presidential debates. It seems the media only gives air time to addiction when they are examining if the candidates themselves have any addiction issues. And this year, both McCain and Obama have a history of addiction. McCain has dealt with heavy drinking, though I don’t believe he considers himself a recovering alcoholic. He also has a family history of addiction as his father was an alcoholic and Cindy, McCain’s wife, was addicted to prescription drugs in the 90s. And because Cindy heads an Anheuser-Busch distributor, McCain recently recused himself on votes regarding the alcohol industry. Obama has been open regarding his use of cocaine and marijuana as a youth. And both McCain and Obama are former smokers. This is pretty much where the similarities end.

Obama has pledged to pass a universal healthcare plan that is similar to the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHBP). While he doesn’t specifically discuss treatment for addiction, it is implied by his referencing the FEHBP as it requires parity coverage of addictive diseases. He also recognizes the need to increase funding for disease prevention. By funding prevention, Charlotte Kasl’s illustration of hierarchy may begin to break down. He also wants to see first-time, nonviolent drug offended serve out their sentences in a drug rehabilitation program. Obama recognizes the disparities in drug sentencing laws and wants to address these issues. He also wants to provide more support for ex-offenders to fight crime and poverty—this seems like inside thinking to me. He relies on solving other inside problems with inside solutions by calling on parents to be the first line of defense regarding drug and alcohol abuse and he wants to create “Promise Neighborhoods” in cities. Obama is also supportive of doctors prescribing medical marijuana.

McCain doesn’t discuss addiction issues with as much detail as Obama, partially due to his longer voting record in the Senate where he’s actively worked against the tobacco industry. Within the context of his campaign, he only makes pledges in regards to smoking-cessation products. His healthcare plan mentions chronic diseases but addiction isn’t specifically mentioned. He would also cut underperforming programs which mean a number of addiction-related programs will be eliminated because they are currently identified as nonperforming. I wonder if he’s considered that these programs may not be performing well because they aren’t being funded. Cutting these programs will only maintain the illustration of hierarchy and the status quo. He also opposes the use of medical marijuana. There is no mention of community programs to help fight addiction.

Digital Scrapbook #6

2008-08-12T19:49:00.001-04:00

From The American Journal of Bioethics “Substance Abuse in Pregnancy: Where Does the Blame Lie? How do health care providers, and society at large, approach a pregnant woman who is substance abusing? By Jennifer M. Cohn

Our medical system is rooted in patriarchy and hierarchy. Dr. Northrup, in “The Patriarchal Myth and the Addictive System”, writes that “our culture gives girls the message that their bodies, their lives, and their femaleness demand an apology…If we must apologize for our very existence from the day we are born, we can assume that our society’s medical system will deny us the wisdom of our “second-class” bodies. In essence, patriarchy blares out the message that women’s bodies are inferior and must be controlled” (4). Furthermore, Cynthia Downing tells us in “Sex Role Setups and Alcoholism” that “literature in the mental health field has empirically documented characteristics associated with femaleness to be seen as less healthy than those considered masculine. Consequently, women can be considered as a kind of deviant group in that they possess characteristics that are negatively valued and stigmatized” (47). And because reproduction is the responsibility of the woman, any behavior seen as irresponsible on the part of the pregnant woman is seen as a prime example of a woman’s deviance. And if the pregnant woman is also an addict, she is viewed as the lowest of the low and deserves to be punished. Such punishment is justified as a way to protect the child, but the goal of punishment is not to protect the child, rather, punishment “operates more to maintain a social distinction between insiders and deviants” according to Iris Marion Young in her piece titled “Punishment, Treatment, Empowerment: Three Approaches to Policy for Pregnant Addicts”. Jennifer M. Cohn argues that in putting the needs of the fetus before the needs of the woman, society and the medical system has compromised a woman’s control over her own body. While mother and baby are two lives they are one being. But because there are two lives, society has shown a “willingness to criminalize substance abuse during pregnancy” according to Cohn.

Cohn points out that in order “for an act to constitute a crime, it must be both harmful and intentional” and it can be difficult to prove “harm that was caused directly by drugs” and “intentional harm is even more difficult to prove…the consequences of drug taking during pregnancy are rarely anticipated by the mothers”.

Cohn also sees a double standard in how our society expects mothers to preserve their fetus’s life but we allow women to go without access to medical care, which can counteract the effects of drug abuse, as we offer little community aid to the pregnant woman. We also allow women to be exposed to toxic fumes and chemicals in the workplace. Where are the anti-abortion activists when the pregnant woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship, when she is at greater risk of being murdered by the abuser?

Cohn and Young seem to be very much on the same page. Punishment doesn’t work. Treatment isn’t always accessible. What does work is referred to as empowerment by Young, and the role Cohn believes the physician must play goes hand in hand with empowerment.

Digital Scrapbook #5

2008-08-12T17:07:00.001-04:00

“Underneath pop Star Scandals is a Serious Message about Young Women and Addiction” by Courtney E. Martin

Everywhere we look we see images of young pop stars and Hollywood actresses. TV shows, gossip columns, tabloids, magazines shower us with images of these often sickly thin and addicted young women. These girls are often the only images young women see of other women their age, thus they are, by proxy, who we are suppose to emulate and admire. And this, according to Martin, has normalized addiction for many young women. I’ve heard people argue that girls and young women should know that this elite class of Hollywood women does not serve as good role models; but they are the current focus of our media culture.

In “The Patriarchal Myth and the Addictive System” Dr. Northrup tells us that we all unconsciously inherit and internalize beliefs and assumptions about our bodies from our culture. She stresses that women cannot reclaim our “inherent ability to create health without first understanding the influence of our society on how we think about and care for our bodies” (3). If our society is sending us only one message about young women, we have only that message to learn and we have already begun to see the impact of that message. According to Martin, young women are “more diseased and more addicted than any generation of young women that has come before”. And because the images of women in magazines are perfect, even though the models in the magazines don’t really look like their pictures, we face a great amount of pressure to be perfect as well—we attempt to achieve the impossible with devastating results.
More and more women today have eating disorders and the rates of binge drinking and drug use is increasing as well. And now, according to Martin, we are noticing a strong link between eating disorders and alcohol abuse. Martin cites data from The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University that says that “up to one-half of individuals with eating disorders abuse alcohol or illicit drugs, compared to nine percent of the general population, and up to 35 percent of alcohol or illicit drug abusers have eating disorders compared to three percent of the general population. In “Still Killing Us Softly: Advertising and the Obsession with Thinness” Jean Kilbourne also points out the link between eating disorders and cigarettes, as well as just about every other product marketed to women only. In her film Still Killing Us Softly 3, Kilbourne also points out that images of women in print advertising places emphasis on women being thin, innocent, and sexy. One print ad with a picture of a very thin model reads “The more you subtract the more you add” implying that the thinner a woman is the more she has to offer.

Both Dr. Northrup and Martin agree that in order for women to begin to heal, our culture must change. But we live in a capitalist society and those at the top make more money with our culture the way it currently is. As long as women are unhappy with the way they look, they’ll keep buying more and more products with the hopes of achieving the impossible. If the media shifted their attention elsewhere and, in turn, women began to love themselves the way they are, there would be no need to advertise products to improve looks thus no need to advertise. A capitalist society can’t function without consumerism; therefore, I don’t see changing coming any time soon.

Digital Scrapbook #4

2008-08-11T14:20:00.001-04:00

American Medical Association Press Release: Teenage Girls Targeted for Sweet-Flavored Alcoholic Beverages: Polls show more teen girls see “alcopop” ads than women age 21-44

In a 2004 press release, “the American Medical Association (AMA) released the results of two nationwide polls that reveal the extent of underage consumption and marketing exposure to “alcopops” or so-called “girlie drinks.” The AMA expressed concern that hard-liquor brands are using these sweet-flavored malt beverages as “gateway” beverages to attract less-experienced drinkers”. According to the Marin Institute, an alcohol industry watchdog organization, alcopops are especially popular with young teens and middle schoolers and they are designed to look just like non-alcoholic lemonade and energy drinks, but contain about the same amount of alcohol as beer. Alcopops also has a high sugar and, sometimes, caffeine content to diminish the flavor and affect of the alcohol. This new product is especially alarming as the AMA reports that “the percentage of girls who drink is on the rise faster than boys” and we know the role drinking plays in a person’s life is vastly different for girls than for boys. Even the health effects are different. The AMA press release states that “according to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, women drinking at the same rate as men, continue to be at higher risk for certain serious medical consequences of alcohol use including liver, brain and heart damage”.

In “Sex Role Setups and Alcoholism” Cynthia Downing looked at the work of Dr. Sharon Wilsnack to explore why women drink. Dr. Wilsnack “hypothesized that women may drink to resolve sex role conflicts connected with their inability to attain the unattainable feminine ideal as prescribed by the culture” (50). Downing asserts that women tend to hide their alcohol use much more than men do. And if a woman’s drinking develops into an addiction to alcohol, the fact that the addiction is hidden can lead to the woman being inaccurately treated or untreated for the primary disease.

There are many other issues that stem from the increase use of alcohol by females that surface before the female is even classified as an alcoholic. The polls released by the AMA found that “nearly one in six teen girls who have drunk alcopops in the past six months have been sexually active after drinking”. We saw examples of this very issue in Spin the Bottle and Smashed. Some of the young women in Spin the Bottle admit that they drink to feel sexy. If a young woman’s judgment is impaired from drinking and she’s feeling more relaxed and sexy, she’s much more likely to engage in sexual activity. The consequences of having sex are not openly talked about in our society, and when they are, women are often blamed or told that they asked for it while young men will be given a pass because the alcohol clouded his judgment.

To me, the most alarming piece of information from the AMA press release deals with the marketing of alcopops. According to the press release “a study released earlier this year by the Center for Alcohol Marketing and Youth revealed that girls ages 12-20 saw 95 percent more magazine ads for alcopops than women of 21”. The target audience of alcopops is women 21-34 but the study found that they were less exposed “magazine advertising for alcopops and peer than girls aged 12-20”. Spin the Bottle revealed that the ads used to sell alcohol to young women send the message that women need to be drinking more by implying that if women drink like men then they will inherit man’s power. As mentioned earlier, the health effects of drinking the same amount of alcohol as men do are much greater for women.

Digital Scrapbook #3

2008-08-11T14:16:00.001-04:00

Drug-Free Action Alliance: Children Vote Beer Commercials among Their Favorite Super Bowl Ads

Neither my husband nor I are pro-football fans. None–the-less, we look forward to watching the Super Bowl every year, though not for the football—for the ads. Advertising companies realize that the Super Bowl is their time to shine. They spend more and more money every year to produce bigger and better ads, competing with other ad companies to have the “Best Super Bowl Ad”. Advertisers also want their ads to be memorable; after all, the reason for the ad in the first place is to get you to buy whatever it is they are advertising. Some adults, me included, can simply watch and enjoy the ads without feeling the need to buy into what it is marketing. I’m capable of understanding that advertisers use any tactic they can think of if it may persuade you to purchase their product, including sex. But what affect do Super Bowl ads have on children? Most of what they are trying to sell isn’t for children, so a person might assume that the kids tune out or don’t pay attention to the ads. This would be especially true for alcohol ads. But when the Drug-Free Action Alliance surveyed 6,300 Ohio youth in middle and high school about their favorite Super Bowl ad, they “selected commercials for alcohol, specifically beer commercials, among their favorites”. When students specifically named their favorite commercial, the Anheuser-Busch commercials took “three of the top six most-remembered ads”. I know many adults who don’t see this as an issue, after all, kids cannot just go out and buy beer; they just enjoy the ads. But more and more research is showing the negative impact alcohol ads have on kids.

In “Defining Addiction: Patterns of Chemical and Psychological Addictions” Charlotte Kasl examines the personal experience of addiction starting with predisposing factors which can determine whether a person will become addicted to a substance. The first of these predisposing factors is the availability of the substance; meaning, “repeated exposure to a drug or substance increases the changes of using that substance” (94). Kasl emphasizes the “need to recognize that exposing children and young people repeatedly to alcohol and alcohol ads that equate alcohol with being sexy, glamorous, cool, and watching sports may make it harder for the people with alcoholic chemistry to abstain because they keep getting presented with a trigger to their unconscious pleasure center” (94).

In the film Still Killing Us Softly3, Jean Kilbourne stresses the need to take advertising seriously. We need to realize that the goal of the ads is to tell us who we are and who we should be. She also emphasizes that not only are the ads defining us, but they also keep us trapped in strict roles of masculinity and femininity. These are the messages being sent to our children, who are very impressionable, by the advertisers because they need to convey their message early and often to the future consumers. And their selling tactics work; if they didn’t, advertising would not be a $130 billion industry (in 1994). Kilbourne, in “Still Killing Us Softly: Advertising and the Obsession with Thinness”, the “advertising industry is a powerful educational force in America. The average American is exposed to over 1500 ads every day and will spend a year and a half of this or her life watching television commercials. Although the individual ads are often insipid and trivial, they have a serious cumulative impact” (395).

In terms of alcohol addiction, the impact of the alcohol commercials was revealed in a study published in Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine in January of 2006. According to a press release from the Drug-Free Action Alliance, the study “found that youth who saw more alcohol ads on average drank more than those who did not see the ads. It is noteworthy that in 2007, Anheuser-Busch is estimated to have spent nearly $20 million on commercials that aired during the Super Bowl according to the Center for Science in the Public Interest”.

In 2008, more than 17 million Super Bowl viewers were under the age of 21.

Digital Scrapbook #2

2008-08-11T12:49:00.001-04:00

A Drug-Free Action Alliance Program: Parents Who Host, Lose The Most: Don’t be a party to teenage drinking

In the 1980s and 1990s, many of the movies about high school shared a similar scene: the parents have gone out of town for the weekend; the teenager throws a wild party; many of the teens at the party are drinking, smoking, or using illegal drugs (or sometimes all three) with no major consequences; sometimes the parents would come home early; and sometimes the parents never find out. And certainly this type of party was not reserved just for movies, many teens hosted, and still do, parties like these all the time. But there is a new trend in teenage parties that has sparked national attention, new legislation, topics for daytime talk shows, and a new slogan: “Parents Who Host, Lose The Most: Don’t be a party to teenage drinking”. That’s right; parents have starting hosting parties where they allow the teens to drink. Some parents even supply the alcohol. According to a newsletter article from the Drug Free Action Alliance, an Ohio-based nonprofit prevention agency, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University surveyed parents and teens and found that “one-third of teen partygoers have been to parties where teens were drinking alcohol, smoking pot, or using cocaine, Ecstasy or prescription drugs while a parent was present. By age 17, nearly half (46 percent) of teen have been at such parties where parents were present”.

Given the possibly life-threatening side-effects of drinking, especially teen drinking, some may question the parenting skills the host-parents have. But the parents who host these parties do not feel they are doing anything wrong, quite the opposite, they feel they are keeping kids safe by allowing them to drink openly and under adult supervision. Many of these parents believe that teens drink whether they allow it or not and therefore they aren’t going to stop them from drinking. In Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood, Koren’s mother has this same line of thinking. If Koren is going to get wasted, her mom would prefer she does it at home because it is safer. While I don’t agree with this parenting philosophy, I’m not the one parenting those teens. The bigger problem, however, is when parents host parties and allow other teens to drink without their parent’s knowledge, much less consent. I also strongly disagree with the theory that the teens will be safer because they are being supervised by a parent. Maybe I would buy this argument if there were no more than four or five teens at the party, but this doesn’t seem realistic to me. The number of teens at the average high school party is most likely going to exceed the number of teens one or two parents can reasonably be responsible for.

I was channel surfing one day and came across the Montel Williams Show. The topic that day happened to be “Parents Who Host”. I don’t know why I decided to stop and watch the show, I wasn’t a parent yet and I didn’t attend parties like these when I was in high school. In fact, this was the first time I had heard of these parties. The main guest was a mother who allowed her daughter to go to a party because she knew the parents were going to be home. She thought she was doing her job as a mom to confirm that the party was going to be supervised by parents. As I’m sure is true with many parents, she assumed that parents at home equates to no drinking. Sadly, this was not the case. Her daughter died that night after drinking too much. Like other parents who host teen drinking parties, the host parents felt that by allowing drinking in their home they could keep the kids safe. They couldn’t. The mother of the girl who died begged other parents who might be watching to not just confirm the presence of parents at parties but to also specifically ask if there would be alcohol available to the teens. I have not forgotten her message and either my husband or I make a phone call to parents before letting our teens go to a party.

In thinking about this issue in relation to the casual attitudes the college students had towards drinking in Spin the Bottle, I’m curious if there is any correlation to the increase in college binge drinking to the increase in parents hosting drinking parties. In hosting these parties, do parents give their kids the impression that drinking, especially underage drinking is not a big deal? That the underage drinking laws serve more like guidelines than actual laws?

Digital Scrapbook #1

2008-08-11T03:24:00.001-04:00

"And Now, Back in the Real World: A report from the front in the never-ending war on drugs" by Claudia Kalb for Newsweek

Generally speaking, our society views drug use to be a criminal offence. In the 1970s, our government declared a war on drugs, and every year our prison systems house more and more drug offenders. But some in the criminal justice system are starting to realize that this approach to fighting drugs fails to recognize that those who use drugs often do so because they are addicted, and drug addiction is a disease which can be treated. In Nashville, Judge Seth Norman opened a residential addiction program in an effort to move nonviolent drug offenders away from the prison system and to treat their addiction. According to Claudia Kalb’s Newsweek article, states across America are beginning to look “for new ways to steer drug offenders away from prison cells and into treatment.”

While I’m thrilled that we are beginning to offer alternatives to prison for nonviolent drug offenders, part of me questions the motives behind it. In “Is Addiction Inevitable? Patriarchy, Hierarchy, and Capitalism” Charlotte Kasl examines the way drug addiction is being used as a political issue. While the public perception is that our government is trying “to help those below them”, they are “actually perpetuating their oppression—which, of course, maintains the status quo” (72). Kasl questions the sudden concern from those at the top of her illustration of hierarchy and patriarchy has with drug addiction. Is their concern truly for those “dying from drugs and related violence” or for themselves; “has the drug problem started to threaten their personal safety or the odds for re-election” (72)?

While reading the Newsweek article I found myself asking these very same questions. And in fact, there appears to be motivation beyond helping drug addicts get the help they need. According to Kalb, by putting drug addicts in treatment programs, rather than in prison, millions of taxpayer dollars will be saved. But Kalb also notes that, quite often, the treatment our system offers to drug offenders isn’t very good due in large part to lack of funding. And while our government accepts that treating the addiction, not incarceration, is the better option for nonviolent drug offenders, the budget has yet to support the shift. The federal government continues to place a higher monetary value on “stopping drug flow and enforcing drug laws than it does for treatment and prevention”. This year’s budget allocates almost twice as much for the enforcement of drug laws ($8.3 billion) then it does to treatment and prevention programs ($4.6 billion). If we know that good treatment and prevention programs work, why are we not funding them? Why are we not shifting some of the “millions of taxpayer dollars” saved by keeping addicts out of prison to the programs that allow us to “save” that money in the first place, in-turn making the programs better and even more effective? After all, these programs are a way for our leaders to, as Kasl says, “help those below them” (72). Or are they?

I believe that, in our society, there is a correlation between the level of importance and monetary value. By giving more money to the enforcement of drug laws, our government is telling us that this is more important than prevention and treatment of the drug addiction. And through drug law enforcement, those at the top of the hierarchy are able to maintain control over those who are addicted to drugs, and “fear of losing their control over others” is the motivating force behind the white men at the top of the hierarchy. As long as “women, African Americans, or Native Americans are sick, poor, and hooked on drugs and alcohol, they can’t threaten the status quo or stage a very effective revolution” (73).

Thin

2008-08-09T21:22:00.004-04:00

My thoughts after viewing Laura Greenfield's documentary Thin from HBO.

I understand that eating disorders are not about the food itself. I used to have one, so I do get this. However, I do think that, while at an in-patient treatment center, it is important to have good foods available and also to include the patents in the preparation of their food. I don't know if it would make a difference or if it would help, it is just a theory that I have.

While watching the documentary Thin in class I couldn't let go of this theory. The food given to the women and girls at Renfrew Center looked horrible and not at all appetizing. At one point, one of the staff is trying to get Polly to eat a piece of pizza. The staff member asks her if she can just think of it as bread and Polly says no. My question, would the staff member be willing to eat the pizza? I wouldn't be! I even borrowed the film from the library and showed my husband and stepdaughters that part and they all agreed. The food doesn't look at all appetizing much less healthy.

There was no mention of the patents helping to create their menus, either. We did see patients meeting with the nutritionist but there was no talk about the type of foods they were eating or how to make good food choices. It is possible that these conversations ended up on the editing room floor but I would hope Greenfield, the director, would have kept at least one or two of those conversations in the film. I'm more inclined to believe that there isn't much emphasis on nutrition as their nutrition program isn't even mentioned on their website. I looked at over two dozen other in-patient centers across the States and every other facility mentions the nutritional aspect of recovery. A few even include my theory of involving the patients in meal preparation as well as meal planning and even grocery shopping. From what I can see the biggest difference between these programs and Renfrew is cost. While no facility website included the cost of their program they all had pictures, except for Renfrew. From the photos, I'm going to guess that these places are not cheap, not that Renfrew was but it is certainly more affordable than the other places. Which brings up the issue of the cost of recovery and insurance.

Three of the four women that the film focused on had to leave treatment before they felt they were ready because insurance would no longer cover it. One of the women, Polly, was fortunate to have a parent who was willing to pay for a few more days of treatment at Renfrew but this is not something many people are able to do. But what if eating disorders weren't seen as an disorder but as a disease like cancer? Insurance wouldn't stop paying for a treatment that is working for someone who has cancer, yet, it is OK for them to do so with someone with an eating disorder even though the person could die without the treatment. And many of the better treatment centers are very expensive. Are they saying only those with money are worthy of healing and getting healthy? If someone doesn't have enough money they have to go somewhere like Renfrew where, in my opinion, they aren't getting the best care or even decent care. I wonder what the difference in the relapse rate is between the higher end facilities verses places like Renfrew? Or if there have been any studies done comparing treatment centers in countries with national health care to countries without it and their rates of relapse? Trying to get better is challenge enough, but then when the cost of treatment is added into the mix the stress felt by the patents must be overwhelming as we saw with Polly when she found out that her insurance was done paying for treatment because she had gained enough weight. I wonder if she would still be alive today had she been able to be at a better center and for a longer period of time.

New York Times on Katie Reider

2008-08-04T23:34:00.002-04:00

Here's an article from the New York Times about Katie.

We'll miss you Katie Reider

2008-07-14T15:12:00.001-04:00

Katie Reider died this morning. We've lost an amazing woman today.

http://katiereider.blogspot.com/

Letter to Koren

2008-07-13T11:12:00.002-04:00

My letter to Koren Zailckas, author of Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood.

Dear Koren,

While reading your book I knew I was going to have to write you this letter once I finished. Throughout the book I struggled on what I would say to you. Even though you and I are the same age I had a difficult time relating to you, understanding you. I found myself feeling frustrated with you and the choices you made throughout the book, especially in college. I had a hard time wrapping my head around your thought processes, or what seemed to be the lack of thought. You seemed to contradict yourself on many levels. Early on I got the impression that you were more of an outsider and had no desire to be part of a big group or the in crowd. But once in college you joined a sorority, something I look at as trying to be cool and part of the in crowd. You said many times over that you preferred booze to boys yet at your graduation ceremony you recall that "in the rows ahead of me, there are too many ex-Xs to name." (page 298) There were times when I had to literally put the book down because I just didn't get why you were doing the things you were doing. Specifically when you and Elle broke into Skip's fraternity house to steal what ever items you could. Everything you did seemed so juvenile and immature to me. That's when it dawned on me. I was reading your book as a 27 year old mom and with all the perceptions of where I'm at right now in my life. Once I started thinking about my own high school and college years and trying to read the book from that point of view I began to see you and the choices you made in a different light. I am still not saying that I totally understand all of the things that you did or that you didn't make bad choices, just that I remember those years and I understand some of it.

I too was more of an outsider but joined a sorority, feeling the need to be part of something and not really meshing well with my first roommate. While I didn't drink often, I remember craving the numbness drinking would bring and the freedom it gave me to be more sexual with men and women. I remember not knowing who I really was or what I was about but thinking that I did. And the meaningless relationship with boys, that I remember all too well. And I remember wanting to escape and change who I was only to feel isolated and alone.

While reading I kept thinking that you couldn't have grown that much from your experiences, that there hadn't been enough time. That thought seems so silly to me now, we're the same age and haven't I grown a lot in the same amount of time? Why would that be possible for me and not you? How quickly we forget how much we've changed in just a few short years. Thank you for reminding me of this, it is something I needed to remember right now as I navigate life with teenage stepdaughters. My feelings and attitudes about life now have matured as I have aged. What I thought was ok when I was 16 is not the same thing that I think is ok for a 16 year old now.

As I read the last chapter of your book I was impressed with how much you seemed to grow in such a short amount of time. Your decision to abstain from alcohol rather than to be sober was smart. I especially love your realization that women need to allow themselves to be angry and to knock off the passive aggressive crap. And more than your last chapter, you acknowledgments section really spoke to me. For the first time I feel like you let us really hear how you felt about specific people in your life. Perhaps it was the first time you let yourself recognize their importance. I don't know, your words just seemed so much more real here then anywhere else in the book.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm asking my teens to read it this summer as well as my husband. Thank you for reminding me how much we change in such a short amount of time.

Underwire Bras

2008-07-08T11:06:00.002-04:00

Apparently my kids listen to all my conversations even when I don't think they are close enough to hear what is being said. How do I know this? Because this morning, while getting dressed, Cole and Lydia asked me if I was wearing a bra with underwire and then they proceeded to tell me that if I am I shouldn't be because they are uncomfortable. How do they know about such things? I was talking on the phone the other night about getting new bras to a friend. I don't even remember them being in the same room with me! Guess I need to start watch what I say!

That was my laugh for the day. And it was a good one.

Teenagers...

2008-07-08T08:03:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have been hellish around here. Communication between Jim and L (his ex-wife) has been crappy but getting better. Normally we all get along really well. L even stayed with us for almost a week last summer when she decided to leave her husband. So we have a better than average relationship with one another. Lately it seemed like we couldn't do anything right. And to be fair, we felt like everything that was being done on the other end had some deeper meaning behind it too. Everything came to a head this weekend and, while things are improving with L, our lives were turned upside down by Jim's oldest, B.

B is going to be 16 in less than a week. Developmentally, 16 year olds are self-centered, not necessarily something they can help, after all it is a developmental stage. We can handle that. What we can't handle is what is happening.

Several months ago B asked Jim if we could make some changes to the shared parenting calendar. Understanding her desire for slightly more independence, Jim said we could do that and asked her what she wanted to do with the schedule. "I don't know." The conversation ended there. The subject is brought up a few more times but always ends at the same place. We can't exactly make changes when we don't know what changes she wants to make. More on this in a moment.

Both B and A (my other stepdaughter) are upset that we don't take them shopping enough. They're right, we don't. It hasn't been a priority amongst everything else going on during the weekends, the only time we see them during the school year. Don't get me wrong, they're not running around naked. They have a small variety of clothing, mostly hang-out clothes like t-shirts and gym shorts and a few other things, but not much else. When they're only here on the weekends a majority of the year it is really hard to justify going out and spending a lot of money on tons of clothes. Could we have done better. Yes. Do they still have more clothing in their drawers that fits them then I do? Yes. The other clothing issue is where we go for clothes. Most of our clothes shopping is done at two places: Target and thrift stores. B is fine with Target, A isn't a fan. Neither one of them likes to go to thrift stores. I understand why they don't, especially when their mom can take them to Limited Too, American Eagle, Abercrombie, Macy's, and other mall stores that charge way too much. We, however, cannot take them to those stores. For starters, we just don't have the money. Secondly, if we had the money, I still don't know if I could bring myself to shop there. My mom worked retail all my life, I know how much the stores pay for that stuff and the mark-up is sickening. To be fair, I do buy clothes every now and then from New York & Company for myself. When I do, it is off the clearance rack ($9.99 for a $40.00 pair of pants) or it is on sale AND I have a coupon (I got two $40.00 dresses for a total of $33.00 this past weekend). With the exception of the dresses I got this weekend, I only get clothes from here for work and the pants (along with some clearance shirts) are the first new clothes I've gotten in over a year. There have also been times when Jim told B he was going to take her shopping but she got home too late or made other plans. Still, could we do better on this front? Totally. Could they be more open to less expensive places to shop? Yes.

As kids get older they want to spend less and less time with their family and more time with their friends and boyfriend. We totally understand this. We also don't think it is asking too much to have one or two family nights a week. And going shopping does NOT count as a family night. A majority of B's week last time she was here (2 weeks ago) was spent with friends. She was home on Monday (I can't remember what we did Monday night), Tuesday she went out with J, her boyfriend, for the entire day. Tuesday night she was home because we took her shopping. Wednesday and Thursday she was out all day and night. Friday she stayed home because, again, Jim took her shopping. She asked on Friday if a friend she hasn't seen in a while could come over on Saturday and Jim said that was fine but he was also planning something. Saturday comes and B's friend comes over for a bit. Jim tells B that we are going to ComFest as a family but her friend is welcome to come. The friend can't, she's heading home but B doesn't want to go. In fact, she's already made plans with other friends. Apparently, Jim saying she could do something with the one friend meant she could do something with all of her friends. That's her belief anyway. Besides, she doesn't want to go to ComFest. Jim tries to explain to her that this is something HE would like to do as a family and sometimes you just have to do things for the family. She said she spent time with him...he reminded her that time was about her, going shopping for her, it wasn't family time. In the end he let her go out, mostly because he realized if you hold a butterfly too tight you'll crush it (or, for teens, push them away) and at some point you have to let go. He was devastated though. He felt like she only wanted to spend time with him if it was on her terms and doing what she wanted to do. He felt like a failure as a father, that he wasn't able to teach his daughter that sometimes you do things for other people not because you also want to do them but because you know it is important and means a lot to the other person. That this is a great way to say "I love you".

Fast forward to July 3rd. Jim goes to pick B and A up from their mom's house and B refuses to come over. Jim decides to give her space for the night and takes her out for coffee the next morning. B wants to make her mom's house her permanent residence. Fine, no problem. Jim tells her he understands why she would want that and he is ok with it, he would, however, like her to take his opinion into consideration in what the new schedule will be. He wants there to be family time and said family time might not always be what she wants to do. He wanted her to recognize that not all of the issues of the past few months were totally his fault. That she played a role as well. That didn't happen though. Any progress he thought they made was quickly erased later in the day when he was told that, had it not been July 4th, B would have been at a lawyer's office. Yes, you read that right. She was going to get a lawyer and take us to court to get her way. WHAT. THE. HELL. We don't physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abuse her. We ask her questions like where is she going, who is she going out with. Apparently that is too controlling. We ask her to spend some family time with us, also too controlling. L tells Jim that B doesn't want to cut him out of her life, she wants a relationship with him. Really? She wants a relationship with him? Really? 'Cause taking someone to court doesn't exactly scream I love you to me. The kicker here is that B doesn't think it is a big deal. When Jim told her the way to get what you want is not to threaten someone, B didn't seem to think it was a big deal, that it isn't as serious as Jim is making it sound. Taking someone to court isn't serious? In what world is taking someone to court not serious?!?!?

In the end, she's not taking us to court (at least I don't think she is). She's living full time with her mom. A schedule has yet to be worked out but one will be. B is welcome here anytime but there needs to be a schedule given that there are 3 other siblings involved. And her relationship with Jim (and me) has to be rebuilt. She's hurt her father deeply and continues to do so by not recognizing the seriousness of what she threatened or that he is hurting so much. She came over yesterday for my birthday and not once said anything to me about what was going on. Never mind the fact that Jim hasn't slept in days. Never mind the fact that my birthday was forgotten about because he was consumed with this. Never mind the fact that he spent a majority of the holiday weekend on the phone with L or B and when he wasn't on the phone he was still focusing on it non-stop. Never mind the fact that my kids keep asking when they are going to see their big sister again and why she isn't here when the calendar says she's suppose to be.

At the fireworks on Friday Cole kept talking about the "smooshed heart" fireworks to Jim. Jim understands a smooshed heart all too well right now.

I know there is a saying 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I try to keep this in mind when going through a rough time and this time, I seem to have lost my recipe for lemonade. We're at a loss as to where to go from here. One day life will get easier, right? Right?

Other things/people I don't get...

2008-07-03T08:33:00.003-04:00

While on the subject of things/people I don't get...

Women who don't vote and the lack of depth about suffrage in history classes. In my other Women's Studies class we're watching Iron Jawed Angels, which, from what I can find, is very accurate in its portrayal of what the women leading the Suffrage Movement endured. The romantic story isn't accurate but the treatment the women received is.

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE LEARN ABOUT THIS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL? Did you know these women were held as political prisoners on trumped up charges of "blocking traffic" because they stood outside the White House holding a banner that quoted the President. I don't have the exact text of the banner but it was an except from his April 2, 1917 War Message to Congress. The text of the banner was taken from this part of his speech (the part in bold is the part I believe they quoted but I'm not totally sure):

It is a fearful thing to lead this great peaceful people into war, into the most terrible and disastrous of all wars, civilization itself seeming to be in the balance. But the right is more precious than peace, and we shall fight for the things which we have always carried nearest our hearts -- for democracy, for the right of those who submit to authority to have a voice in their own governments, for the rights and liberties of small nations, for a universal dominion of right by such a concert of free peoples as shall bring peace and safety to all nations and make the world itself at last free. (Wilson's War Message to Congress)

Why the hell weren't we taught what these women went through to gain the rest of us the right to vote? And why in the world do some women not vote after what these women endured. Hmm...maybe I've just answered my own question. Women have no fucking idea what was done for them to be able to cast their ballot.

I don't get our schools either...how can they not be teaching this?

2008-07-03T08:07:00.004-04:00

In my Women and Addiction class we watched a film called Spin the Bottle. It is about drinking drinking in college. Very fascinating look into college life and why students feel the need or have the desire to drink. I don't understand why this film isn't shown in every single freshman orientation to both the incoming students and their parents. It should be then and in high school. Why isn't this film in every high school being watched by all of their students? I think I'll be making a call to my step-daughter's high school about it.

I try very hard to understand people with different views on things than I do. I'm finding this to be increasingly difficult, especially on this issue. I have never been a big drinker, the three times in my life I've been drunk I got sick and spent the night talking to God on the porcelain phone. Any fun I may have had those evenings was not worth the price I paid later on. I vividly remember crawling on the floor while begging God to let me make it to the bathroom before I puked so I wouldn't have to clean up my own puke or, on one occasion when I was drinking to escape my life, to just help me make it through the night because I was so trashed I wasn't sure if I would wake up. Many of the students recount similar stories after a night of drinking but "Hey, I had fun at the party." I just don't get this. I don't get going out and "drinking to get drunk" three nights a week every week. The film talked about the reasons kids give as to why they drink and it is just so sad. To feel powerful, to feel sexy, to fit in, to be a man because "the more you drink the more of a man you are." What the hell are we doing to our kids?!?!?!

Here's a clip from the film:

Again I ask, what the hell are we doing to our kids?

Addiction, Patriarchy, Capitalism, and Power

2008-06-29T17:28:00.001-04:00

Talk about the relationship between “Addiction”, “Patriarchy”, “Capitalism”, and “Power”. Discuss how these concepts affect one another/perpetuate or influence the cycle of addiction. Refer to page 7 of the Northrup piece and reflect on the ways you contribute to the “Addictive System”.
The relationship between addiction, patriarchy, capitalism, and power is often not recognized in our society, much less discussed. Regardless of whether we choose to acknowledge it the relationship exists and, like the circle of life, is cyclical. Unlike the circle of life, the cyclical relationship of addiction, patriarchy, capitalism, and power has many different ways of playing out.
In Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom Christiane Northrup, MD lays out one cycle for us on page six. This circle starts with our patriarchal society which “demands” women to “ignore or turn away from their hopes and dreams in deference to men and the demands of their families.” Because of this, women deny their need for “self-expression and self-actualization” leading to great emotional pain. Rather than face the pain head on, women commonly with turn to “addictive substances” and develop “addictive behaviors”. This process is what Charlotte Kasl refers to as psychic numbing and dissociation in her book Many Roads, One Journey: Moving beyond the 12 Steps. These substances and behaviors result in a cycle of abuse because, according to Northrup, by “being abused or abusing ourselves, we become ill” and “when we become ill, we are treated by a patriarchal medical system.” This system looks down on a woman’s body, which is seen as dysfunctional and it doesn’t bother to look at the whole person or attempt to get to the root of a problem. Rather, our medical system is designed to treat part of a person and believes that science is always right and intuition cannot be trusted. As if these beliefs aren’t hard enough to overcome there is also the issue of access to good medical care. Often women don’t receive the same type of care that men do for the same illnesses leading to more sickness or the development of chronic health problems “for which the medical establishment has no answers or treatments” (Northrup, 6). The cycle starts with a patriarchal society and ends with a patriarchal medical system which we are taught never to question.
In Feminist Perspectives on Addiction Cynthia Downing shows us another cycle. She cites studies showing that women are disproportionately victimized in alcohol related battering, sexual abuse, and rape cases. Child abuse is common when one or both parents are alcoholics, especially neglect which “is a form of emotional violence” (Downing 52). Because the child is being neglected their basic needs are not being met which can lead to impairments that “can contribute to the development of the child’s own alcoholism or drug addiction” (Downing 52).
Capitalism also plays a role in the cycle by feeding into insecurities and addictive behaviors, persuading and encouraging us to purchase and consume more things to fill the voids in our life. And yet, the more we buy the less we're satisfied and then we feel the need to buy more and the cycle goes on and on.
The “Addictive System”
The medical side of the Addictive System is a hard road to navigate. I often forget to listen to my body and find myself relying on what the doctor says or the latest study. But then when I remember that this is my body and no one understands it the way I do, and I listen to what it is trying to tell me, I'm a much happier and healthier person. In my job, I walk a fine line between reminding women that they indeed know how to birth and, at the same time, trying to remain neutral about natural verses medicated birth. In natural birth, a woman does what feels right to her and she is able to listen to her inner wisdom. In medicated birth, you do what you're told and the machines know more than you because you're numb, literally and figuratively, to the process. I do what I can in my classes to give birth back to women and take it away from the Addictive System by changing vocabulary and showing women how they can move when not tied down to a bed. I talk about doctors catching their baby that they've just birthed rather than the doctor delivering the baby. But, as Northrup points out on page ten, even the studies we rely on are founded in this system that only studies the abnormal and not the normal.
As a mother, I do my best to teach my son and daughters that being a woman is a wonderful thing and the female body is just as beautifully designed as the male body. I celebrated with my stepdaughters when they had their first periods and plan to do the same for my daughter. I don't complain when my period comes around and I take that time to give my body a break and let it do what it is suppose to do, and I make sure my kids know and understand this.

Katie Reider

2008-06-27T09:02:00.002-04:00

Please go to www.500kin365.org and read about Katie Reider.

Katie is an amazing woman. She and her family needs all the help and prayers they can get. Her voice has touched everyone who has heard it. Her music is what was playing when my son came into this world and she sang at our wedding for our first dance.

We love you Katie.

Our Country is Falling Apart

2008-06-20T07:20:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I turn on the Today Show in the mornings, usually when I'm awake but not ready to get up. This morning I'm reminded why I'm not a regular viewer of the Today Show or any other shows like it.

Our country, and the world, is falling apart. Gas prices are soaring. People are driving less because, according to the reporter, of the high price of fuel. Here in Columbus, gas went from $3.85 at most stations to $4.09 yesterday. According to the report, there are 2% fewer cars on the road today than a year ago. More people are car pooling and taking public transportation because they can no longer afford to fill their gas tanks. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about this shift, I just wish there were more public transportation options available to more people. I have no options but to drive to school. Between the increase in gas and the decrease in financial aid I'm not sure how much longer I can afford to go to school. I certainly can't be the only one dealing with this.

The climate is changing more dramatically and faster then ever before. The southwest part of the country can expect the drought they are experiencing to continue with no end in sight. The midwest can expect to see torrential downpours and major flooding more often with only 8 years between major flooding events rather than every 20 years. The average highs are only projected to get hotter.

There is a high school that had a huge surge in teen pregnancies with 17 sophomore girls expecting. When a reporter from Time magazine went to the high school to investigate she discovered these weren't unplanned pregnancies. These girls made a pact with each other to get pregnant and to raise their babies together. I feel so sad for these girls. Even more, I feel so sad for their babies.

Not only are food prices rising, the amount of food in prepackaged boxes is decreasing. Yet another hit to the family budget.

After listening to all of these stories I have noticed something missing from all of the reports. What we can do to make a difference. They may causally mention what some people are doing. In the gas price story they showed two women who have starting car pooling. But they didn''t offer any real solutions. No wonder depression rates are so high. If you watch any of these morning shows you're being told things are getting worse and worse and offered no solutions. This makes it look like there is no hope, we're doomed and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I refuse to believe this. I know there has to be more that I can do...I just have to spend hours of my time (that I don't really have) to research what those things are. Gee, that sort of seems like the job of a reporter.

Addiction and Feminism

2008-06-19T22:17:00.003-04:00

Reflect on your experiences with addiction. What stereotypes do you have? When you think of addiction do you think of other types such as addiction to sex, food, shopping? How are feminism and addiction related?

Addiction has been part of my life, in one way or another, my entire life. Growing up my mom was addicted to Diet Pepsi and cigarettes. At times, she was known to smoke more than a pack a day. My dad has food addiction issues, more specifically, an addiction to sweet food. I myself was addicted to not eating food and to cutting. I also craved alcohol, though I never drank as a teen. I didn't understand why this was until I met my birth family (I am adopted). My birth mom had also struggled with addiction for part of her life. She, in addition to her mom and most of her brothers & sisters, dealt with sex, drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. The others in her family have been dealing with it for much more of their lives. My birth dad dealt with drug and alcohol addiction for a majority of his adult life. I wasn't ever exposed to my birth mom's issues as we never lived together. I was however, living my birth father when he admitted to me that he was addicted to cocaine and alcohol the day before checking himself into rehab. As an adult, both my husband and I have struggled with addition to video games and I am addicted to my ADHD medication as I cannot forgo a dose of prescribed amphetamine and expect to have a functional day. I also still struggle with cutting. While I have not cut in over 8 years the desire is still there at times, mostly when I'm feeling overwhelmed and have allowed others to get the better of me. I wonder if this will always be a struggle for me. I find myself thinking about cutting without even realizing I am thinking about it until it is too late. I hope one day to be rid of these thoughts for good, until them, I'll continue to push them out of my head as fast as they pushed their way into it. Food and I have a very healthy relationship now and we are good friends.

I am, however, proud to say that my mom is no longer a smoker, though, she does struggle with prescribed pills at times and still loves her Diet Pepsi. These don't bother me because she did successfully quit smoking, something she swore she would never do in a million years. My birth father, after falling off the proverbial wagon a few times, has been clean and sober for almost five years after hitting rock bottom after the birth of my son, his first grandchild, when he realized he wanted to be a good grandfather to him. I no longer have a relationship with my birth mother so I cannot say how she or anyone else in her family is dealing with their addictions. My dad is still addicted to sweets and probably always will be. Both my husband and I have conquered our video game addiction and we even canceled our subscriptions to World of Warcraft, which was not an easy thing to do! We did get a Wii for Christmas but have been pretty healthy in our use of it as well as our children's use of it.

Because of my personal and family history with addiction I really can't say what stereotypes I have regarding this issue. I have learned that addiction to anything comes in all different packages and especially from those whom you least expect it. The same goes for other types of addiction. While the first things that often come to mind are drugs and alcohol, I do recognize other additions. I do forget that things such as eating disorders (be it anorexia or over eating), sex, and shopping are considered addictions as these types aren't often talked about...not that addiction in general is something often talked about.

The biggest link, for me, between feminism and addiction comes from my belief that one feminist ideal is having control and power of my body and my life and not turning these things over to someone or something else. When a person has an addiction they are no longer in control of their body and/or their life. Instead, the addiction has control and power over the person though they may not realize it or may not recognize this to be the case.

My teacher is making me blog

2008-06-19T22:16:00.001-04:00

For my readers who haven't been reading because there hasn't been anything new to read in some time now, you will be happy to know that I will be blogging regularly for the next ten weeks for a class I am taking. My hope is that this will get me in the habit of blogging regularly so you all have more to read from me. :)

Our Trip to Florida

2008-06-16T15:21:00.001-04:00

I FREAKING ROCK!

2008-03-10T18:51:00.001-04:00

I FREAKING ROCK! I go in to my History class to take my final exam and my prof comes up to me and hands me my final paper and says: "You currently have an A in this class. You don't have to take the final exam if you don't want to and, quite frankly, if you do take the final exam I am not going to grade it." And I got an "Excellent" on my final paper. :D

I know it is just a 100 level class but 5 years ago I freaking failed out of Columbus State and now I'm smart and I am soooooo not used to what this feels like. Eventually I'm sure an A will be no big deal but I'm not there yet. :D

2008-02-26T17:16:00.001-05:00

Ignorance is Bliss

2008-02-16T23:05:00.002-05:00

Whom ever coined this phrase certainly knew what they were talking about. As I struggle to make major decisions about my life and my children's education I find myself sometimes wishing I didn't know as much as I do. Jim gets frustrated when I say this as he feels we are able to make better decisions based on knowing so much. Yes, we do get to make better decisions and we also have to deal with the desire to make the better decision without having the means to do so. Fear is another factor we have to deal with; the fear of changing what we know so well. I'm finding this to be true with so much right now: the nutritional health of my family, treating my ADHD, how to educate my children, and even planing my spring quarter schedule.

Nutrition is extremely important and I believe we do better than the average family. However, my son has, at the very least, a sensitivity to dairy and I suspect Jim, my stepdaughters, and I do as well. His sensitivity isn't life-threatening and I'm fairly certain many parents wouldn't even realize his symptoms are even linked to dairy...thus the issue of being too informed. I have a strong desire to go 100% dairy free yet can't get over my fear of not ever having real cheese pizza again or a bowel of cereal with milk or ice cream. With my son being dairy free, eating out is a major challenge. We don't eat out often and there are nights when nothing has been planed, we have no food in the 'fridge and no one has any motivation to cook anything and even if they did, the kitchen would need to be cleaned first. If I were a more organized mom this wouldn't be an issue and I'm not at all organized. So I know the problem and I know what to do about it yet I can't seem to get over a rather silly fear of not having certain foods to do the right thing.

There are days I wish I didn't know I had ADHD. I hated feeling stupid, lazy and crazy back then but at least that was all I knew. Now, I know I'm smart and sane and motivated and I have to chose what portions of my day I'm going to be those things and what portions I'm going to be crazy, lazy and stupid because the meds aren't working well for me any more. We can't afford the medication that works the best as our insurance company no longer covers it and I'm too scared to try the natural treatments as those take time to work. That and they cost even more money than the medication does. Not that I want to be on medication...I just want to function. I just want to live my life and not survive it.

I've posted enough for tonight. To be continued...

Cafe and Play

2008-01-24T11:17:00.001-05:00

Vote daily! www.votecafeandplay.com

Thank You Santa!

2007-12-24T21:32:00.000-05:00

I had a bag of cookies sitting outside my door tonight from Santa (read: a reader who felt I needed them). Thank you so much. Your note brought tears to my eyes (in a good way) and gave me warm fuzzies!

We celebrated Christmas today as my stepdaughters are with their mom tomorrow. So this morning was Christmas morning and we opened all our gifts and played Wii all day. Well, the kids played Wii all day, Jim and I cooked mostly. My dad, stepmom, Aunt Joy (she lives in Hawaii), all four kids, and Laurie (Jim's ex-wife) came over for dinner and fun on the Wii. We had a blast! I even needed a mini-nap tonight! :D

I am feeling a bit better about Christmas, still not how I used to. Eh, I'll figure it out eventually.

Thank you again Santa. The cookies are very yummy and the thought means more than I can say.

2007-12-20T07:06:00.001-05:00

I am struggling with so much right now. My emotions and feelings towards Christmas, my mom, my birth mom, one of my closest friends.

I'm really struggling this Christmas. What is the meaning of it?

We can't afford to buy our kids much this year and I'm really sad about it. Four days until Christmas and we haven't purchased a single gift which will be from us. I've gotten the kids clothes for my mom (with the gift card she sent) and we got the Wii for my dad (for which he paid for) but nothing from us. I did get paid last night so we can start shopping some tonight and some tomorrow night but it still won't be much. And my struggles aren't just about gifts. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. The song "Where are you Christmas" keeps playing over and over in my head. The poorly done "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (the one with Jim Carey) has made me cry. I sobbed watching "The Nativity Story" and I'm not even Christian...though I do believe in Jesus and his birth story and how/why he died. I hate that my kids think Christmas is all about getting, getting, getting. I didn't want to raise them this way and I'm not entirely sure how they got this way either. Now I have the song "Shroud" running through my head. One line from the song is about Christmas..."I had to leave the house of privilege, spent Christmas homeless and feeling bad, to learn that privilege is a headache that you don't know that you don't have." Every time I hear this song my brain goes crazy...I don't know how a person could not be moved by it.

I want Christmas to be about giving, helping, love, family, and getting. I am just not feeling any of these things this year and I'm sad about it.

I miss my moms...both of them. Pat (my adopted mom) lives in Florida. She used to work retail and couldn't come see us for Christmas. We went to her once or twice but I won't travel anymore on Christmas, it isn't fair to the kids. She left retail and moved to Florida where she got a job at a bank. She was so excited to not be in retail any more and told me she would be able to spend holidays with us now. This is her first Christmas not working retail and she's staying in Florida. She says it is a money issue. I don't know if I believe her or not, regardless, I feel like if she wanted to be here she could be. I miss her terribly.

I miss Jackie too. Jackie is my birth mom. We haven't talked in almost two years and while I've felt ok about this for a while now, I've still missed her. Now I'm missing her even more. Maybe it was my sister coming up to get something that triggered it. My sister made a comment that Jackie wanted her to get healthy because she wants her to be able to have kids someday, it is important to Jackie she have grandkids from my sister. My heart broke when she said that. I blurted out "She has two grandkids she ignores." My sister didn't say anything. I miss her so much. I wish I could have one more hug and hear I love you one more time. I wish I knew why she won't talk to me anymore.

Funny, I used to be such a daddy's girl and when I became a mom it seems both of my moms became so much more important to me. I have one other mom (my adopted dad's second wife) and I do love her very much, just not the same as I do Pat and Jackie.

I don't know how to talk with a friend about something. I feel like a price tag was put on our friendship. This isn't about a Wii...that's just silly, a strong friendship can't end over a game. This is about how much our friendship is worth. To offer someone something, something which is hard to find, then to take back that offer because you can make a couple hundred dollars...that just isn't ok. Friends don't do things like this to each other. This isn't what Christmas is about.

To add to it, I woke up this morning with a very odd energy about me. I didn't want Jim to go. Even now, I feel very uneasy that he isn't here. Even more odd, he feels the same way. I wish we all hadn't been so sick last week otherwise he would have stayed home today. I can't explain how I'm feeling. It isn't emotional, though when I think about it I do get emotional. More of a sense of him needing to be here...of feeling as if something is missing.

On a bright note, I had a great birth at OSU on Sunday. Mom and dad were absolutely amazing. Certainly one of the best births I've ever attended at OSU and ranks pretty high among all my births.

Also, I'm finally working on the midwifery video. Need to get that finished. I'll post it when I can.

Wii

2007-12-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

Our kids are going to have to fight us to play the Wii I think.

Four months ago we asked my dad to get our kids a Wii for Christmas and he said no problem. Then he forgot until a few weeks ago. :( We did the Wii Alerts and no luck. So Saturday we decided we would get up really early to get one at Circut City...then I had to go to a birth. Jim, on a whim, at 1 am drove by the store and there were already 3 people in line. He went home, got some stuff together and went back to get in line (2 more people had already come). He got the 7th Wii out of 9 (one person ditched when the Manager came out). This was Sunday.

Last night I had the brilliant idea of setting up the Wii now and getting it ready to go then leaving all the cables plugged in and putting it back in the box so Christmas morning after the kids open it all we have to do is plug it in and start playing. We do that. Then we end up playing for hours! It is so much freaking fun!!!!!!

Oh, and we did better on Wii bowling than RL Bowling!

Homebirth Video

2007-11-21T06:43:00.000-05:00

I'm working on a video/slide show about homebirth. I can actually see the finished product in my head so I know it will happen. I am a little discouraged right now as I don't have as many stories as I would like to have at this point. I know Ohio women will step up to the plate and tell their stories. People have to hear why women are choosing homebirth. People have to hear from the women themselves about being lied to or misled or abused. People have to know the truth from someone other than me.

I keep getting more ideas for my video. I'm thinking about interviewing midwives, about why they became a midwife and about what they are seeing in the women who are coming to them for their births.

One of my favorite midwives is under investigation right now. She is one of many being investigated. This has to stop.

I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-13T22:30:00.000-05:00

I GOT IN TO OSU UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!

Request for Homebirthers

2007-10-24T17:32:00.000-04:00

Did you choose to have a homebirth because you felt your birthing options were being limited? Did you switch from an OB to a homebirth midwife during your pregnancy so you could birth your baby how you wanted? Did you have your first baby in the hospital and had a bad experience which led you to find a homebirth midwife? If you answered yes to any of these questions I need your help!

Many of you may have heard about different midwives around the state being investigated for attending homebirths. I am saddened by what is going on and struggle with what to do about it. My step-mom reminded me that change will occur as you spread your love and consciousness, wisdom, and education to your community. Many people don't understand why someone would choose a homebirth nor do they understand what many women go through in the hospital. While driving today I had an idea. I am going to make a photo montage of homebirth families with their midwives and explain the reason each family choose the route they did. I tell people everyday what leads many to seek out a midwife and I don't feel like I'm being heard. I believe people need to hear the stories from the families. They need to see the faces and know this is real and not just some out-there story. If you are interested in being a part of my project here is what I need from you:

* Permission to use your photos, name (first name and last initial) and your story
* 4-5 photos from your labor and/or birth
* A family photo, preferably right after the birth but any will do
* A photo with your family and your midwife (her name will not be used)
* Your story: What happened that caused you to seek out a midwife? Did you feel your options were being limited? Did you not feel respected by your OB? The hospital? Did you feel mistreated in your first birth and knew there was a better way?

I prefer all of the above to be sent to me in an email but if your photos are not on your computer you can mail them to me as well (please contact me for my address). I would like to have everything by December 5th as I am going to create this while on Christmas break from school.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at WhyOhioNeedsMidwives@gmail.com or call me at 614-336-9828. Also, feel free to pass this on to anyone who may be interested in this project.

Thank you!

Catie M. Mehl, LCCE

Hospital Births No More

2007-10-18T08:03:00.000-04:00

In the last 2 1/2 months I have seen the ugly side of hospital birth and I have seen, first hand, the long term effects of a poor birth experience. I can't watch it any longer. I have decided to take a break from hospital births for a while. It helps that I was getting ready to stop taking clients regardless of where they were birthing with the exception of repeat clients. Now I'll only take repeats who are having homebirths...not even for them can I bring myself to step back into a hospital right now.

I have two hospital birth clients left then I am done.

If you are pregnant and reading this and wondering why I am done...be forewarned, you may not believe what I am going to tell you so be prepared to let the thought of "But my doctor cares about me" go. Your doctor doesn't care about you in the way that you think. He/She cares about making money, making it home for dinner on time and not being sued. Please note: I am speaking of the doctors here in my community, not anywhere else.

-An experienced nurse doesn't have her stuff together when she starts an IV causing mom to bleed everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE; all over her hand, leg, bed and floor) and much more pain than necessary. This, in turn, causes mom's labor to stall every time a nurse comes in the room. This is common in mammals. If a mammal feels threatened during childbirth they stop their labor until they feel safe again. Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Because mom is not medicated, nurses are coming in quite often and mom is only having good contractions for about 10-15 minutes before they stop. She doesn't progress for a very long time and decides to get an epidural as the nurse tells her she just isn't able to relax and that is causing her to no dilate. If this were the case, getting the epidural would cause her to dilate very quickly (within an hour, in my experience). The nurse stays in the room for the first hour after the epidural is placed and checks her just before she leaves the room...no change. Mom is now left alone (by the nurses, dad and I are there) for two hours straight. She's numb, has monitors on continuously and is resting so they don't want to bother her. In those two hours she goes to complete. When she pushes with the nurse baby doesn't move down. When the nurse has to leave the room for something and asks me to push with her she makes huge progress...then the nurse comes back and said progress stops. Baby is born with the assistance of a vacuum. Re-reading this it doesn't sound like a big deal. It was. Especially if you consider that if mom had had a homebirth (or a nurse with her shit together when placing the IV) she most likely would have birthed her baby about 12 hours sooner.

-An abuse survivor is laboring with her first birth. She is complete and pushing when the on-call doctor for her practice comes in and forces her legs open and checks her (rather aggressively) without talking to her first. Mom tells him he's hurting her. He keeps doing what he is doing. He tells her she has plenty of room to push out her baby but she's just in too much pain so she needs to get an epidural or she'll end up with a cesarean. No shit she's in pain, you just put your hand in her without her permission and didn't stop when she said you were hurting her! Mom gets an epidural and is pushing her baby out when Dr. Ass-hat comes back in to do some fundal pressure and cut an episiotomy without telling or asking because she's not pushing the baby out fast enough for him. How do I know that is the reason? He was off call 45 minutes ago and decided to stay on and finish her up (read: get paid for her birth). Gee, how nice of him. Mom's tummy is red and sore for days from the pressure he put on it to get the baby out faster. Baby's heart tones were fine, there was no rush on the part of mom or baby...just him. Interestingly enough, her contractions also stopped as soon as he came in the room the second time...and she was on pitocin! Again, Mother Nature is not a force to be reckoned with. He then stitches her up with out cleaning the perineum first and is done in less than 7 minutes after birth.

-A beautiful unmedicated birth ends with a hemorrhage because the doctor had the placenta out in less than 4 minutes. Doctors can do that when a woman has an IV line going with pitocin on-board because they are "controlling" the situation (it still isn't the best idea, IMO). When a mom doesn't have pit on-board the last thing you want to do is force the placenta out before its ready and that is just what this doctor did even though he told mom he wouldn't do it and he was fine with waiting for it to come on its own. Mom got to hold her baby for 5 minutes before she handed her baby to her husband because she felt woozy then almost passed out. And even before this happened, baby was only on mom for 30 seconds because he wouldn't cry. He was pinking up, breathing, looking around and even moving his arms and legs but he just didn't want to cry so the nurse had to take him to the warmer to make him cry before mom could hold him. In the homebirths I've been at the baby doesn't usually cry. Myself and others I've spoke to say that is common in unmedicated birth but the nurses aren't use to it.

-A mom wanting a VBAC is verbally abused by one of the doctors in the practice she is with (not her normal doctor). She decides she would rather birth on the side of the road than have him deliver her. She goes into labor two days later, she arrives at the hospital complete and guess who the on-call doctor is. Dr. Verbal Abuse. She and her husband amaze me and stand their ground saying they don't want him and would prefer a resident. Eye rolls from the resident in the room (mom doesn't see this) and all the nurses are telling her she can't do that. I tell her she can do what she wants to do and if she doesn't want him there she has that right. Nurse Ratchet doesn't like me now and asks for my name. Dr. Verbal Abuse arrives and comes in, mom tells him no and to go away. He pulls me out into the hall and asks if he has to go through me for everything...WTF???!!!?!?! I say no, she's the one in charge. He goes back in the room and is rather saccharine. Dad tells him to leave and then goes in the hallway to talk with him. He blames mom and dad for causing a commotion and dad comes back in and says he understands why mom doesn't want him there, he wouldn't listen to a thing dad had to say. Meanwhile, every few minutes a new nurse would come in the room and feel mom's belly and say 'Your first baby was less than 7 pounds and you needed a section for her. This baby is way bigger!' or 'You've got a pretty big baby in there!'. I wanted to scream. I didn't, it was hard not to. Mom pushed for an hour then went back for another cesarean as the baby never moved past 0 station. I feel it was psychological. Can I prove it? No. Can anyone prove that it wasn't? No.

-A repeat client who is early in her pregnancy is suffering from severe PTSD from her first birth where she was told that if she didn't do what her CNM was telling her to do she was going to kill her baby (her CNM was the one saying this to her). Not just her baby would die (playing the dead baby card) but that SHE would kill her baby. Then, as she was pushing her baby out the doctor who was there to deliver her baby was no where to be found and her baby was held in at her perineum until the doctor could be found. The resident moved her hand as the doctor put her hands in ready position and baby slipped right out. One minute APGAR of 6 and five minute APGAR of 8. Baby goes to special care nursery for several hours for breathing issue.

There you have it. Written down it doesn't seem as bad as it was but trust me...it was bad. And I just can't watch this any more. I can't watch the abuse, both verbal and physical. I can't watch people who should feel so privileged to be apart of bringing a new life into this world disrespect the process as much as they do. I can't sit though more prenatals listening to women say their doctor said this or that and knowing that their doctor is lying to them. And I try to get them to see that, oh how I try...but they won't listen! They have to experience it for themselves first and then they'll understand. But I can't watch that experience any more. If I do, I don't know that I can continue on my path to become a doctor because I'll just get so angry with everyone and I don't want hatred to be my driving force. Change has to happen soon. And when I'm done with residency isn't soon enough.

New Puppy!

2007-10-05T10:16:00.000-04:00

We got a new puppy! Anyone have ideas for a name?

I'm always amazed...

2007-09-25T23:25:00.000-04:00

I'm always amazed when I can tell what position a baby is in better than the nurses and doctors...ya know, the one's with their hands up the mom feeling the baby's head. Its kind of sad actually, I mean, I'm a freaking doula! They are suppose to be the "experts" when it comes to birth yet, just by watching mom, looking at her belly and observing her contraction pattern and labor patten I can tell where baby is at. I just don't get it. Oh well...maybe one day they'll learn that baby's position matters and "head-down" isn't the only thing that counts.

I don't like what I see.

2007-09-20T09:01:00.000-04:00

I am so sick and tired of watching women be assaulted and practically raped while birthing. There is only so much I can do and it just isn't enough. I have four births left this year and I am looking forward to being done for a while and getting a break. I don't know how much longer I can watch what goes on without going crazy. Not that going crazy will help anything either. People don't listen to crazy people. But people don't listen to me anyhow...no matter if I speak gently or scream at the top of my lungs.

What I see doctors doing makes me sick.

I want to...

2007-09-06T11:38:00.000-04:00

Scream. Cry. Sleep. Hide.

There is so much I need/want/should/could do and I just don't even know where to start. I want to empty my house out and only put the things we use back in it. I want to get caught up on our bills...the very bills that just one month ago I had caught up or they were about to be because I made a budget and had a plan. Budgets and plans don't work if you don't stick to them. Sigh.

I want to be getting ready to leave for Boston tonight. We're not going to Boston anymore, though. Money issues and I was worried about leaving my kids for so long. I so needed that trip though. I need to get away for a bit. Both Jim and I need to get away and take a break from life and kids. Just a couple of days...

I really hope all these emotions are just from hormones...that means they'll be gone soon.

I'm Smart!

2007-09-05T22:13:00.000-04:00

Really, I am! I got a 96 on my Chemistry exam which gives me an A for the quarter in Chem. I got a 98 on my algebra exam which also give me an A for the quarter in Algebra. For fall quarter I have a 4.0 and my cumulative GPA is 3.9.

/cheer

My Sister Saves the Day!

2007-08-26T23:17:00.000-04:00

My sister rocks! It is 11:00 pm and I just realized tomorrow is my last day to make up a chemistry lab I missed due to a birth. I was just going to forget about it, the lab is only 10 points and I have a solid A in the class and feel good about our last exam and the final. Then I remember what I was doing on Friday when I missed my second lab...

What was I doing? Praying to God on the porcelain phone. In other words, I was sick. So sick the offer from my husband's ex-wife to come over and help me and/or take me to the ER was starting to sound like a really good idea. (My hubby would have offered except he had to help take care of people who were dealing with losing their homes from the flooding in Northern Ohio.) Since I couldn't stand without everything getting fuzzy and black and there was an annoying ringing sound in my ears, I decided driving to chemistry class and playing with chemicals probably wasn't the best idea in the world. So I didn't go. There goes another 10 points.

While I could still probably maintain my A in chemistry I would rather play it safe and do this make up lab. So I IM my sister and ask her if she can come up here tomorrow morning and watch my kids. She doesn't even hesitate; she asks if she thinks leaving her house by six will be early enough to miss rush hour. Now that's what I call supporting your local soon to be med student (see previous entry)! I love her so much. She rocks my world! Now if I could find her a good guy who will treat her right...

THANK YOU JESSI!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!! I'M LUCKY TO HAVE YOU FOR MY SISTER!!

Support Your Local Medical Student!

2007-08-26T22:22:00.001-04:00

I have a bumper sticker which reads "Support Your Local Midwife". I love the sticker's message and agree with it 100%. I also believe we, birth activists, need to support our local medical students, doulas, CBEs, OBs, Family Doctors, L&D Nurses etc. We need to seek out the providers in our area who support normal birth and give them business and send them business. We need to talk to doulas and get their cards to hand out to any pregnant women we see. We need to find the GOOD hospital childbirth educators and refer people to their classes. (Lets face it, most people are more likely to take a hospital class than a private class). We need to bring goodies to the L&D Nurse who worked so hard to help a mother have a good birth. We need to support those we know who are going to go or who are in medical school...tell them they can do it and ask what we can do to help them.

Why must we do this? Because these people can't hear these things enough or have enough done for them. We fight an up hill battle in all we do for birthing women. We put our lives on hold, ask our families to deal with so much all for people they don't know. We face nay-sayers and those who think we are delusional constantly. On top of that, we deal with our own self doubt. Is is worth it? Will I really be able to make a difference?

We need to be told we can and will make a difference! We need to be told we are not crazy! We need people to ask us what they can do for us to help us defend birth!

Those of us who are trying to make a change often find ourselves marching to the beat of our own drum. Some of us may start to lose our rhythm and need others to march with us to remind us why we're marching in the first place.

Wow...just wow

2007-08-17T09:55:00.000-04:00

A must read hospital birth story. This one is not to be missed!

A Birth Unfolds in Photos and Words

This is awesome...

2007-08-10T17:01:00.001-04:00

What a week...

2007-08-02T23:07:00.000-04:00

I last posted on Thursday morning as I was feeling sad about the death of a baby two years ago. Less than 24 hours later I was headed to a birth on his birthday. I had a hard time with this...I just didn't feel like I was ready to be at another birth on his day. But then a good friend of mine pointed out that maybe it is better to have it happen now. We all knew this would happen eventually and better now than 15 years from now when it might be even harder. Turned out this new little baby girl was born the next day in the wee hours of the morning. So that was Friday and Saturday.

Sunday, I didn't really do much but spend time with the family...after sleeping in and enjoying breakfast in bed ('cause I have a kick-ass husband!).

Monday was low key as was Tuesday until I got to math class. The Prof was passing back our quizes from Thursday. I was not looking forward to seeing my grade. I even told the Prof to just keep it...I didn't even want to know as Thursday was a bad night and I was thankful he drops our lowest quiz grade. He chuckled and said he used my quiz as the key. That's right...I got a freaking 25 out of 25. I couldn't believe it.

Wednesday I had chem class then I had to meet with the husband of a potential client as he wasn't able to be at the original interview. I was expecting a shake of the hand and a once over but I got a dad who was pretty well informed and, while he seemed like certain options were not options, was open to hearing about them. Primarily HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean). His wife really wants to birth their baby at home and he just can't wrap his head around the idea. After talking a lot and answering a lot of questions and giving him honest information about the real risks and benefits to hospital birth and home birth...he's decided they can at least talk with the home birth midwife. Even if they decide to still go the hospital route, mom is so happy they are at least exploring the option of home birth.

And this is something I just can't wrap my head around. Why are people so afraid of homebirth? Why is it people always ask "But what if xy or z happens?" Umm...then your midwife deals with it or you go in...we're talking about birthing babies here, not rocket science. I just don't get it. I wonder if people think having a hospital birth guarantees them a healthy baby and a healthy mom. I don't know why I wonder this as I am pretty darn sure most people do. When I do a birth events time line in my childbirth class people always match maternal and infant mortality rates with the wrong years. I've never had someone get it right. And everyone is speechless when I tell them the correct answers. I can understand why, though. I think I had a hard time wrapping my head around the differences in the rates from 1981 to 2004. Both have gone up, by the way. Our ranking for infant mortality of Industrialized Nations has gotten worse too...we rank behind Cuba currently.

After seeing what I see at almost every hospital birth I question what I am doing. I really no longer understand why anyone would want to birth their baby in the hospital (except those who know they are high risk). Parents are fooled into thinking they will have a healthy baby if they birth in this shiny hospital and home birth is dangerous. I just watched a clip of Marsden Wagner, MD talking about home birth and OB/GYNs. He talked about speaking to groups of doctors who were all riled up about home birth and asking them to raise their hand if they have ever attended a home birth. No one ever seems to raise their hand. How can these docs get so upset about something they know so little about? What scares them so much about birthing a baby at home? Forget home birth...what scares them so much about birth in general? Why does birth require so much medical effort? And why are they not able to step back and see that so many complications arise because of things being done to a woman while she is in labor? Why am I able to step back and recognize when a woman should not have a home birth and I can see when a cesarean birth is a better option for her or when a woman is not progressing because she would prefer to be in the hospital but they can't see that being in the hospital isn't the best option for every woman? And after asking myself all of these questions I remember why I'm doing what I am doing...and why it is so important that I keep moving forward.

I saw my favorite doc today. She, along with many others, keep telling me to keep my options open; don't limit myself to OB, I might find something I like better. That along with not getting my hopes up about making too much change, I won't be able to do it with our system...sure, things might change between now and then, but I shouldn't hold my breath. I know they are just trying to prepare me for a long and bumpy road and they don't want me to be disappointed. I know this because I've heard it before with other things. Similar things were said to me about finding my birth mom and then about having a natural birth with my first and then about having a vaginal breech birth. The thing is, I knew I could do everything everyone told me I couldn't do...and when I was told I couldn't do it, I wanted to do it even more. I know I can do this. I know I can make it through med school and through OB residency. I know I can make changes. I will open a birth center. I will catch babies who need to enter this world butt or feet first. I will let women birth the way they know how to birth. And if something happens that truly needs medical attention, I'll be there. And most importantly, I will do these things right here in Columbus, Ohio.

So you can think I'm crazy or you can think that I can and will do this...just know I don't want to hear what you're thinking unless you're going to tell me I can and will do this.

2007-07-26T01:36:00.000-04:00

All week I've been feeling off, just not quite right. I can't describe fully how I have felt...constantly on the verge of tears and not knowing why...empty...feeling like I have forgotten something...sadness...numb. I haven't been able to shake these feelings nor could I figure out why I was feeling this way...until tonight.

I was talking to one of my closest friends and as we finished up our conversation she gently asked me how I was doing this week. Instantly I knew what was going on. I knew why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

Two years ago today I left my house to attend a birth.

Two years and one day ago I watched a woman become a mother. I watched a man become a father. I saw the new mom and dad touch their baby boy. I heard them telling him they loved him and thanking God and Jesus for him. I still hear them. I hear them saying his name over and over again. I hear the mom begging God to help her son to take a breath, then begging God to not take him. I hear the dad talking to his son, gently coaxing him to take a breath. I hear the mom asking God why.

Two years and one day ago today I watched a baby boy come into this world and never take a breath.

In the days and weeks that followed, I also watched a man become a husband and a woman become a wife. The love between these two people could be seen and felt by all. The only thing more overpowering than their love for each other is their love of and faith in God and Jesus. This couple has touched my life and countless others in a way I never thought possible.

Just random thoughts

2007-07-24T08:12:00.000-04:00

There is something about the morning time in my house that I love though I rarely get to experience it. Every now and then I wake up before the kids do and persuade myself to not go back to sleep...not an easy thing to do mind you. But when I do get up before them, I am so thankful for it. My house is quiet and still. I can hear the trickling of the water from the filter in the fish tank and the birds singing their morning songs. And for some reason these sounds just don't sound the same at night after everyone has gone to bed. There is just something different when I'm sitting here in the morning. I just feel so at peace and calm. I've noticed my day seems to go a little bit smoother on days when I get this time in the morning...maybe I need to make sure I do this everyday...

Now I'm the one who doesn't get it

2007-07-20T19:52:00.000-04:00

Why, why, why do US hospitals use Cytotec for labor induction? Why do we feel the need to fuck with women's bodies? Why don't doctor's council their patients on good nutrition to prevent serious pregnancy complications which require aggressive labor induction techniques?

List of countries and organizations that recommend and do not recommend cytotec (from Marsden Wagner):

Recommends

1. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)

Does not recommend

1. U.S. Food and Drug Administration
2. Best scientific opinion—Cochrane Database
3. Searle (manufacturer of Cytotec)
4. Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada
5. British Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
6. All obstetric organizations in Scandinavia
7. FIGO (International Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics)
8. World Health Organization
9. Obstetric organizations and drug regulatory agencies in many other countries

That's all for now.

They just don't get it

2007-07-20T13:51:00.001-04:00

I'm always surprised at how little some labor and delivery nurses know about normal labor and birth. I'm currently at the hospital with a client who is being induced. At some point, the machine that goes ping (the monitor) decides to stop working. The nurse brings in the portable monitor and leaves the original one as it is bolted to the cabinet. Mom's contractions have been off and on even with a high dose of pitocin...now the last thing you want to do to this mom is invite a stranger into her room. So what do you think the nurse does? She comes in, leaving the door open, and says there is a repair man here and he is going to come in to fix the monitor. She doesn't ask mom if she is ok with this...she just says it. I look at mom and ask her is she is comfortable with this and she hesitates then says the man can come in. So he comes in says he can fix it but he'll have to come back later when the room isn't in use, as the monitor is screwed down to the cabinet...well, duh!

There are many things that can throw off a woman's labor and this is one of them...a big one, in fact! It just drives me nuts how things like this are overlooked and not considered to be a big deal. Don't women deserve privacy? Most couples didn't need an audience when they conceived their baby why would they want one when they are birthing their baby? I just don't get it...

And on the same note, is it that hard to close a freaking door behind you when entering or exiting a room?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

My Kids

2007-06-12T00:58:00.001-04:00

I'm back!

2007-06-12T00:50:00.000-04:00

Sorry to have taken such a long break from writing, life has been crazy busy and it seems I have my best ideas for writing when I am in my car on my way to school and I just can't type and drive. Any how...

Here's all the latest and greatest news:

I'm now a Childbirth Educator for a local hospital
I got straight A's again this quarter
I am now officially a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator (LCCE)
I'm in Florida for the week visiting my mom and other family

To see pics of my trip thus far go to www.YouTube.com/CatieDoula.

Enjoy!

My Goals

2007-04-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

I need this in writing and for people to hold me to it!

My Goals
1. To be a practicing doctor by the time I am 35 (current age: 25)
2. Open a Birthing Center in Columbus, Ohio
3. To be reliable back-up for CPMs and LMs
4. To have a practice with CNMs and LCs

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm doing it!

2007-04-24T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm going to go to med school and become a doctor. I haven't decided between Family Practice and OB but I'm leaning more towards Family Practice where I can specialize in Maternal Health. Also, as a Family Practice doctor, I may have more influence over things such as RIC and Breastfeeding.

I'm going to change things. I'm going to make a difference. I'm going to open a birthing center and back homebirth midwives. I'm going to see that ALL birthing women are respected for THEIR CHOICES. I will make a difference.

I think I'm crazy...

2007-04-22T01:07:00.000-04:00

The birth I was at the other day ended in a transfer to the hospital. When the mom arrived at the hospital, she was treated in a way no person should ever be treated. Her support team was threatened as well. The way she was treated is sickening. Why? Why do the doctors and nurses have to be so nasty to women who choose to birth differently then end up needing the medical support a hospital can offer? Why must a woman preferring a home birth be treated with such lack of human kindness or respect?

I wasn't the doula for this woman. A good friend of mine is her doula and I asked her if I could shadow her...I desperately wanted to see a good birth; a home birth. I needed to be reminded of how a birth is suppose to be. I wanted to see a birth, not a medical event. I felt I needed this to re-energize me in regards to birth. I got to see a 99% pure birth. After several hours of pushing everyone decided it was time to head on in to the hospital. I was sad for the mom and her husband; also for her midwife and doula. And to be totally honest, I felt sad for me as well. Why did this have to happen to this woman? Why did it have to be at the birth I thought I NEEDED to regain my faith in birth? I know there is something for me to learn in this experience. Birth is awesome and powerful and it usually goes very smoothly; but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, we are very thankful for medical interventions. Initially this is what I thought I needed to learn from this birth. Now I wonder if there is something more...

I want things to change. I want women to know they have a voice. I want women to know they are not alone. I want women to know they don't need need to suffer. I want women to have more choices. More and more, I don't feel like Midwifery is the way to make these changes, to really help women. Midwives have no power...they are glorified nurses (not in my opinion, but many in the medical field feel this way). Maybe Midwifery isn't my path...what if I need to go down the rocky road of medical school and become an OB? Is that the only way to really make change? To really help women? Do I really want to travel down a much longer road? Do I really want to become a surgeon (yes, I know there are many OBs with very low cesarean birth rates)? So many questions and no answers. How do I make this decision? And when I do, how do I know it is the right decision?

Am I freaking nuts for even considering this???? Someone, say something please.

2007-04-19T03:40:00.000-04:00

The power and energy in the room is thick. Women surround a birthing woman with an energy that is overwhelming. There is the birthing woman in all her glory and strength; she is beautiful and strong. Her mother kneels next to her, stroking her back; I've never seen such confidence from a mother. Her doula talks gently, and she knows exactly what to say. The midwife has just arrived and is gently smiling. And there is me, I am watching in amazement and wonderment; tears come to my eyes. This is birth. This is how birth is suppose to be. There are no words in existence that can even come close to the beauty and wonderment I am witnessing at this moment. I am so blessed, nay, we are all blessed. This is birth, a pure birth.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!

2007-04-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

I got a 96% on my Developmental Psychology Exam!!! The average grade was 78% and I got a freaking 9%!! Go me!

2007-04-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

I need to be studying for my exams right now. I have two tomorrow. One in Algebra and one in Developmental Psychology. Obviously, I'm not studying. I haven't even started to study yet today. I really need to start soon but just can't seem to get motivated.

I'm feeling a bit off again today. I feel like there are a bunch of things that I want to write about but I can't even compose a simple sentence. Parenting, un-parenting, birth, my mom, Lamaze, school...

I need to go study now. Really, I am going to go study right now.

I wish the sun would come out and the weather would warm up, that always seems to help...

In the shower...

2007-04-01T12:04:00.000-04:00

I had an "Ah-ha!" moment. This is a crazy idea but to me, and I'm pretty crazy, it makes a whole lot of sense!

My idea. Get rid of the "R" and "D" after politician's names. And for that matter, get rid of the "I" as well. Instead, their names should read "Patrick Leahy, American-VT" or "Orrin Hatch, American-Utah". Because these people, above all else, are American. They were elected to represent the people of the United States of America. It doesn't matter if they are Democrat or Republican because they represent all people in their state...both Democrats and Republicans.

If we did this, maybe people would start to vote for the person with whom they agree with the most on a majority of issues and not vote for a person because of the letter after their name. Why does it freaking matter what letter is after their name? Does anyone really believe 100% in everything their party stands for? And I mean EVERYTHING, not 99.9%? With the exception of the people who created the party I don't think anyone else can truthfully say that! And even those that created the party probably had to compromise on some of their beliefs.

So that's my crazy idea for the day...I'm sure it won't be my last.

I just don't understand...

2007-04-01T11:38:00.000-04:00

I was watching Meet the Press this morning and I just don't understand why politicians, both Republicans and Democrats, can't just give a freaking straight answer! I'm starting to feel like so many issues revolve around the long responses to things. Instead of just a simple yes or no they have to go on for another 3 to 4 minutes explaining why they do feel a certain way without saying they feel that way. For example, Tim Russert asked Patrick Leahy (D-VT) if he felt the Attorney General had lied about the firing of US Attorneys. Leahy responded by saying he felt Gonzales has been less than truthful and yadda yadda yadda... So, if he has been less than truthful then the answer to Russert's questions is YES! YES you do feel that he has lied. Next question please.

Facts get twisted, words are misinterpreted, people read between the lines because politicians can't just answer a freaking question! Short and sweet...they just need to keep their answers short and sweet, why is this so hard? It isn't freaking rocket science!

And on the flip side, Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said he has no problem with people from the White House testifying behind closed doors with no oath and no transcripts and he doesn't understand why others are not ok with this. Hmm...I wonder if he would have been ok with Clinton testifying this way about the whole Monica issue. Or if he would be ok with a member of the Mob saying "Ya know, I'm just going to go to a private room and talk with my fellow mobsters about the possible crimes I have committed. And, oh by the way, no one else can come nor are we going to write anything down." Right, 'cause that is going to happen. Why can't these people get their heads out of their asses and just do what is right rather than what their party is telling them is right.

I'm almost done!

2007-03-26T19:14:00.000-04:00

With my Lamaze stuff that is. After my classes tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the post office to mail in my exam application and all my paperwork then it will be time to study my ass off for the exam. I'm so happy I decided to take on a smaller amount of credit hours this quarter. Between school, studying for my Lamaze exam, organizing the Doula Day conference and my one client this month, I'll be lucky if I can finish my socks I just started knitting. Well, I'll probably finish them because that's what I do in class...knit and listen. I find I hear what is being said so much more when I am doing something with my hands as opposed to just taking notes. I learned about this in my Passion for Birth training. Adults learn better when they have something in their hands. So now when I teach I make sure I bring little slinkies, stress balls and silly putty.

My other big news of the day: my academic adviser is super impressed with my grades and the improvements I have made. She said with my grades and my professional experience Mt. Caramel would be crazy to not accept me for the Accelerated Track program...lets hope they see it the same way!

Off to study for Lamaze...

My husband

2007-03-11T12:19:00.000-04:00

I love my husband. I know he would have preferred to play WoW more last night than we did, but when I was done he got off too and watched a movie with me. I love just snuggling on the couch and watching movies together sometimes. What a great way to end a pretty good day. :)

What I think about when I should be studying...

2007-03-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

I'm always amazed at the power of words and kind thoughts, especially from strangers! I find it fascinating that I can find myself in a funk and then read a message from someone I've never even met and feel, quite suddenly, on top of the world! If you're reading this, and you know who you are, thank you again.

I'm also surprised that this surprises me...if that makes any sense! I see it all the time in birth. A woman can be laboring very well and then everything stalls out when her mother-in-law enters the room. This is usually an easy thing to fix but can be difficult when it is the doctor or nurse causing issues. I've seen it far too many times. I wish people realized just how important it is to be surrounded by positive energy. If there are people in the birthing room with mom who don't 100% support her and her choices she probably isn't going to have the type of birth she wants. I try to talk with women and their partners about this ahead of time...sometimes they listen to me and usually they don't. Alas, it isn't my birth. I'm only as effective as mom, her partner and their care providers allow me to be. I can't promise a drug-free birth or a vaginal birth. I can't guarantee a VBAC or that mom won't be lied to or misled. In the end, mom has to decide what kind of birth she wants and then she has to surround herself with people who 100% believe in her ability to have that birth...otherwise, it isn't going to happen. Time and time again I hear women saying how they have their doctor figured out and there is no way they will have the wool pulled over their eyes. Guess what happens after they have spent 38 weeks with their doctor? They realize they have had the wool pulled over their eyes for the last 38 weeks and now it is too late to do much of anything. Sure, some women will be willing to switch doctors but who will they switch to at this point? And for those who don't want to switch, what are their choices? What are the options women are left with?

Something has to change and soon...now to figure out how to make the change. Ideas any one?

College is Hard!

2007-03-01T17:33:00.000-05:00

And I'm not talking about the exams! I'm referring to the actually going to class...especially on days like today. It is pouring down rain, I was cuddled up with my sleeping girl when it came time to leave, there is a mom's gathering tonight and I really wanted to watch the end of the Ellen show! Then, once I drive here in the rain and through the traffic, I have to drive around looking for a place to park then walk through the puring rain to get to class. This is the part I find to be the most challenging...actually getting up and getting to class. I don't mind the studying or, depending on what it is, the homework. I know I could take more on-line classes, I just don't do well with those as I tend to not be motivated enough.

Oh well, I'm here now, I suppose I should make the most of it.

2007-02-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

I’m not feeling like me. I don’t know how to describe the way I feel…I know it just isn’t me. I don’t like the word depressed. I feel like it is over used and holds no real meaning any more. A person can just be having a bad day and say they are depressed. Besides, I don’t feel depressed…I’ve been there and that feels different.

Empty, lost, tired, verge of tears, confused, angry, frustrated…all of these things rolled into one. I’m experiencing these things on their own and together, all at the same time.

A million questions keep driving through my head. What’s the point of life? What’s the point of birth? Why does it matter if a woman has a good birth? Why does anything matter? The world could end tomorrow so is there really a point to anything? Why do I care more about birth then other women do? Why does it bother me when people say things against natural birthers? Why do I feel so alone and isolated in my own parenting community? Why is it a bad thing to be proud of the way I birthed? Isn’t it a given that all birth stories should be honored? Why does pointing out that all birth stories, not just home and natural birth, should be honored bother me? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with women? Why am I starting to become angry at women? Can’t people see how fucked up this country is when it comes to birth? Can’t women see how much suffering there is? Why are people afraid of my non-vaccinated child but are more than willing to go to the hospital to have a baby? Why won’t my mother speak to me? Why did she give me up for a second time? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? Am I not good enough? Why do I care what she thinks? Why can’t I stop asking all these questions with no answers? Why can’t I just snap out of this, this…funk? Why can’t I just feel like me?

No answers, just questions…more and more questions. Hitting publish before I chicken out.

I have a new niece!

2007-02-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

My SIL had her baby this morning!!!! Her first birth was 2 days long, unmedicated and she learned to work with her body and had a great experience but she wished it was a bit shorter. Fast forward to this morning! She woke up around 2 and went downstairs. My brother came down and asked what was going on she said she was starting to have some contractions and sent him back to bed thinking her labor would be long again. She wakes him up around 3:15 and tells him they have to go to the hospital NOW. She goes to the bathroom to pee and her bag of waters releases and the baby starts to crown! She reaches down and births her baby into her arms!!!!!!! I am so proud of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When they got to the hospital the doctor was really excited and jokingly said “This wasn’t in your birth plan!” She is so excited and feels great about her birth! Kailey Renae weighs in at 9 pounds 3 ounces and is 21 inches long!

Exam Hell

2007-02-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

I spent the entire day on Tuesday preparing for my Sociology exam. When I don’t think I can be any more stressed about the dumb thing a friend calls and asks if I am sure I have class. Um, of course I have class…wait, why wouldn’t I have class?

Apparently, while I was busy trying to remember the different theories of crime and poverty Mother Nature decided Ohio would look much better with a blanket of fresh snow. At this point, two universities have already canceled classes for the evening, neither of which is where I go. I decided to head out a little early thinking traffic may be a bit heavier than usual. This was at 4:45pm.

I arrive in my class room at 7:15pm. The exam that I drove 2 and a 1/2 freaking hours for has been “canceled and rescheduled for Thursday” according to the note on the white board. No email or post on the on-line bulletin board from the Professor. No attempt to let a single person know that they didn’t have to sit in their car for hours on end or risk their life as the exam was canceled. Nothing. I’m trying to get over it, really, I am.
I now have two more days to stress over a 70 question exam that covers 22 pages of typed notes that is worth 35 points for a class that has a total of 100 points possible (one more exam and a paper). In addition to that exam I also have a make up Psychology exam on Wednesday from missing class to go see Ina May (see previous post) and an Algebra exam on Thursday and a presentation on OCD on Saturday to prepare for.

I now have two of the three exams done and my power point for the OCD presentation done (just need my note cards now). I think I did really well on my Sociology exam and not great on my Psychology exam; not much I can do about that now. I have two hours before my Algebra exam that I don’t know for sure is still tonight as I didn’t go to that class on Tuesday. I know, I know…I drove 2.5 hours all the way to campus so I really should have gone to Algebra. I was too pissed off at my Sociology Professor for not posting online and at the college for not closing to stay on campus…I’m odd, I know.
So what am I doing right now? Writing this. What should I be doing? Reviewing my math. What am I going to do after I post this? Surf the net some more.

I know the math stuff but I feel like I should still at least study a little bit…shouldn’t I? Oh well. Maybe I’ll look over stuff while waiting for the Professor to get to class. Maybe. Lets hear it for procrastination!

Birth

2007-02-04T14:34:00.000-05:00

I had the privilege and pleasure to spend my day yesterday with over a hundred women from all walks of life, from all over the state of Ohio and surrounding states and from all different age ranges. The one thing we all share is a passion for birth, more importantly, safe birth for all women. I was surrounded by the most incredible women in birth. Ina May Gaskin, midwife and author of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Jackie Gruer, a CNM from Cincinnati who owned a free standing birth center where she attended births in addition to in the hospital and at home, until she was forced out of practice by unaffordable malpractice costs. JoAnne Davis, a CNM and PhDc who has attended home and hospital births and recently did a study entitled “Midwives’ Perceptions of Normalcy” that was so powerful and moving, I was brought to tears at times and I was not alone. I ate dinner with four beautiful CNMs from Ohio, only one of which is currently practicing as a CNM.

The day was full of laughter, love, anger, frustration, tears, revelations and hope. Every woman there believes, above all else, birth has to be safe. We believe in a woman’s ability to birth her baby and we believe in the appropriate use of modern technology such as cesarean birth. We fully recognize cesareans to be life saving for mothers and babies and not a single woman who was at this conference believes we should have a 0% cesarean birth rate. We also don’t believe we should have a 30.2% cesarean rate either; this is not safe for anyone.

In 1970 the US cesarean rate was 5.5%. In 2005 the cesarean rate sky rocketed to 30.2%. Some will argue that we have saved lives and birth is far safer today than it has ever been. Yes, many lives have been saved by the appropriate use of cesareans, no one argues this. The question, however, is how many lives have been hurt by the misuse of cesareans? In 1982, 7 out of every 100,000 women died in childbirth. As of 2003, 12.3 out of every 100,000 died in childbirth and, sadly, the CDC recognizes this number to be incorrect. They estimate the actual maternal mortality rate to be 1.3 to 3 times higher. Wondering how this can be possible? Reporting of maternal deaths in the US is done via an honor system; there are no penalties for misreporting or failing to report maternal deaths.

Cesareans are not the only factor in the rise of maternal mortality. Drugs used off label to induce labors, such as cytotec, play a role as well. These drugs have dangerous side effects that can lead to complications in both mother and baby. So why do we use them? If these things are so dangerous to moms and babies, why would a room full of doctors cheer at someone yelling “Next year, we’ll have a 100% cesarean rate!”? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Some believe money is a big factor. Others feel it is about control and power.

I don’t know what the answer is or even if we need one. What I do know is this: things need to change. We have a “pathological fear” when it comes to birth. Birth is mysterious and we are told horror stories from many women around us. Women no longer trust in their ability to birth, they fear it. When we birth, we let our brains drive; we need to put our brains in the back seat and let our bodies drive. Women need to know what to be scared of and it isn’t birth! We need to look at our fears and examine the aspects that scare us and what we can do about them. Will there still be cesarean births? Yes! Again, I am in no way saying there should be a 0% cesarean rate; there are reasons to have a cesarean, it can be life saving and sometimes the only way a baby can safely be born or a woman can safely birth. Rather, I am saying that perhaps we should not be so casual about cesarean birth.

There is often debate among women when it comes to birth. Some feel that people who birthed naturally should be applauded by all. Others feel that those who had epidurals are smart and those who didn’t want one are crazy. Some feel like failures if they didn’t have a certain type of birth. Many women feel judged by others about their birth. We need to realize something; there is no right or wrong way to birth. It really doesn’t matter how a woman births as long as she is respected and is given the ability to make informed choices. The judging and debating each other has to stop, it serves no one but doctors. If we are busy judging others and arguing with each other about who had a better birth, how will we have energy to question them?

There are some women asking questions and trying to make change, but it will take more. What would happen if we stopped putting all our energy into judging and/or debating each other or feeling guilty about our birth and, instead, used that energy to ask questions and demand evidenced based care? We are the richest country in the world yet only one other developed country has a higher maternal mortality rate than we do, this is a problem! Something needs to change. Women, babies and families are being hurt both physically and emotionally. We need to work together to bring forth progress, to make changes.

Women will not be alone in our quest for change. There are OBs who refuse to do unnecessary cesareans and have to go to a different hospital because they won’t fulfill a cesarean rate quota (http://birthnewsblog.blogspot.com/2005/06/doctor-wont-make-cut.html). Some are even loosing their license to practice due to having a low cesarean rate (http://millinersdream.blogspot.com/2005/10/youre-fired.html).

Where do we start? Education is key. But how do we teach women to trust in their body’s ability to give birth and teach them that there are exceptions but those exceptions are in no way failures? We can teach women ways to maximize the possibility of vaginal birth according to Ina May:

· Low sounds

· Humor for pain relief

· The recognition of the sexuality of birth helps

· Rope pulling aids descent

· Slow crowning

· The Sphincter Law rules

o Sphincters don’t obey orders

o Sphincters function best in atmospheres of intimacy and privacy

o Sphincters may suddenly close when intimacy, privacy or trust are violated

o Sphincters open most effectively when mouth and jaw are open and relaxed

· It is safe to eat and drink

· “Apple-shaking” helps

· Orgasms happen

Other things to remember, according to Ina May, are:

· When it hurts—smile!

· Relaxed mouth and throat=relaxed bottom

· Intimacy is needed in birth

Thinking I am crazy for some of these things? Ina May had us try something, you try it too and you’ll understand. Tighten your perineum; squeeze it as hard as you can. Now smile big! What happened? Were you able to keep your perineum tight while smiling? Probably not. We need to have a relaxed face in order to have a relaxed perineum. Think about toddlers who are filling their diapers. We can tell they are pooping because they have this relaxed, semi smile on their face. We need to do the same thing in birth.

We also need to celebrate birth, all birth! Tell women your favorite part of birth and don’t scare them! Tell them about the first time you heard your baby make a sound or you got to look into his eyes. What it was like to touch this being you just brought into the world for the first time. To look at him and smell his sweet baby smell. The more women hear how horrible birth is, the more they will dread and fear it. On the flip side, the more women hear others speak about birth in a positive way the more they will look forward to it. And if a birth didn’t go well, let a mom be sad or angry or happy. Ask her about the good parts of her birth and let her talk about the ugly ones too.

I end this with hope and fear. Fear that some people will not understand my passion or feel that I believe birth has to be a certain way. I don’t believe in a certain way of birthing, there is no such thing as normal birth, there is only birth. My hope is that all birthing women will know how incredible they are for bringing a baby into this world. My hope is that one day all birthing woman and all birth will be celebrated, respected and honored.