I’m not feeling like me. I don’t know how to describe the way I feel…I know it just isn’t me. I don’t like the word depressed. I feel like it is over used and holds no real meaning any more. A person can just be having a bad day and say they are depressed. Besides, I don’t feel depressed…I’ve been there and that feels different.
Empty, lost, tired, verge of tears, confused, angry, frustrated…all of these things rolled into one. I’m experiencing these things on their own and together, all at the same time.
A million questions keep driving through my head. What’s the point of life? What’s the point of birth? Why does it matter if a woman has a good birth? Why does anything matter? The world could end tomorrow so is there really a point to anything? Why do I care more about birth then other women do? Why does it bother me when people say things against natural birthers? Why do I feel so alone and isolated in my own parenting community? Why is it a bad thing to be proud of the way I birthed? Isn’t it a given that all birth stories should be honored? Why does pointing out that all birth stories, not just home and natural birth, should be honored bother me? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with women? Why am I starting to become angry at women? Can’t people see how fucked up this country is when it comes to birth? Can’t women see how much suffering there is? Why are people afraid of my non-vaccinated child but are more than willing to go to the hospital to have a baby? Why won’t my mother speak to me? Why did she give me up for a second time? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? Am I not good enough? Why do I care what she thinks? Why can’t I stop asking all these questions with no answers? Why can’t I just snap out of this, this…funk? Why can’t I just feel like me?
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2 comments:
Hey Catie....I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know this...it is ok to cry. You have an awful lot on your plate right now..an awful lot!!!! I'm talking the obvious alone. Then you have personal stuff going on on top of that(or underneath) and so yea, I think you are completely normal for feeling this way. Maybe you should cut back whatever you can, just for awhile, take a break, enjoy life. I would be happy to keep the kids for a weekend if you and Jim could get away. I too have a mother that birthed me, raised me, but I have had no real relationship with her for as long as I can honestly remember. There are times when I wish I just had my mom, who might understand me, you can help me the way a mother should. I have my dad though, who is a great friend of mine, who did everything he could to teach me good values and to be a good person. Call me anytime of day or night and know that this too shall end. You are aware of your feelings and expressing them which to me always helps. You are not alone and I will help in any way I can. Love ya!
(((Catie))) My life is better because you're in it.
Abby
(not Liberty)
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