Letter to Koren

My letter to Koren Zailckas, author of Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood.

Dear Koren,

While reading your book I knew I was going to have to write you this letter once I finished. Throughout the book I struggled on what I would say to you. Even though you and I are the same age I had a difficult time relating to you, understanding you. I found myself feeling frustrated with you and the choices you made throughout the book, especially in college. I had a hard time wrapping my head around your thought processes, or what seemed to be the lack of thought. You seemed to contradict yourself on many levels. Early on I got the impression that you were more of an outsider and had no desire to be part of a big group or the in crowd. But once in college you joined a sorority, something I look at as trying to be cool and part of the in crowd. You said many times over that you preferred booze to boys yet at your graduation ceremony you recall that "in the rows ahead of me, there are too many ex-Xs to name." (page 298) There were times when I had to literally put the book down because I just didn't get why you were doing the things you were doing. Specifically when you and Elle broke into Skip's fraternity house to steal what ever items you could. Everything you did seemed so juvenile and immature to me. That's when it dawned on me. I was reading your book as a 27 year old mom and with all the perceptions of where I'm at right now in my life. Once I started thinking about my own high school and college years and trying to read the book from that point of view I began to see you and the choices you made in a different light. I am still not saying that I totally understand all of the things that you did or that you didn't make bad choices, just that I remember those years and I understand some of it.

I too was more of an outsider but joined a sorority, feeling the need to be part of something and not really meshing well with my first roommate. While I didn't drink often, I remember craving the numbness drinking would bring and the freedom it gave me to be more sexual with men and women. I remember not knowing who I really was or what I was about but thinking that I did. And the meaningless relationship with boys, that I remember all too well. And I remember wanting to escape and change who I was only to feel isolated and alone.

While reading I kept thinking that you couldn't have grown that much from your experiences, that there hadn't been enough time. That thought seems so silly to me now, we're the same age and haven't I grown a lot in the same amount of time? Why would that be possible for me and not you? How quickly we forget how much we've changed in just a few short years. Thank you for reminding me of this, it is something I needed to remember right now as I navigate life with teenage stepdaughters. My feelings and attitudes about life now have matured as I have aged. What I thought was ok when I was 16 is not the same thing that I think is ok for a 16 year old now.

As I read the last chapter of your book I was impressed with how much you seemed to grow in such a short amount of time. Your decision to abstain from alcohol rather than to be sober was smart. I especially love your realization that women need to allow themselves to be angry and to knock off the passive aggressive crap. And more than your last chapter, you acknowledgments section really spoke to me. For the first time I feel like you let us really hear how you felt about specific people in your life. Perhaps it was the first time you let yourself recognize their importance. I don't know, your words just seemed so much more real here then anywhere else in the book.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm asking my teens to read it this summer as well as my husband. Thank you for reminding me how much we change in such a short amount of time.