Teenagers...

The past few weeks have been hellish around here. Communication between Jim and L (his ex-wife) has been crappy but getting better. Normally we all get along really well. L even stayed with us for almost a week last summer when she decided to leave her husband. So we have a better than average relationship with one another. Lately it seemed like we couldn't do anything right. And to be fair, we felt like everything that was being done on the other end had some deeper meaning behind it too. Everything came to a head this weekend and, while things are improving with L, our lives were turned upside down by Jim's oldest, B.

B is going to be 16 in less than a week. Developmentally, 16 year olds are self-centered, not necessarily something they can help, after all it is a developmental stage. We can handle that. What we can't handle is what is happening.

Several months ago B asked Jim if we could make some changes to the shared parenting calendar. Understanding her desire for slightly more independence, Jim said we could do that and asked her what she wanted to do with the schedule. "I don't know." The conversation ended there. The subject is brought up a few more times but always ends at the same place. We can't exactly make changes when we don't know what changes she wants to make. More on this in a moment.

Both B and A (my other stepdaughter) are upset that we don't take them shopping enough. They're right, we don't. It hasn't been a priority amongst everything else going on during the weekends, the only time we see them during the school year. Don't get me wrong, they're not running around naked. They have a small variety of clothing, mostly hang-out clothes like t-shirts and gym shorts and a few other things, but not much else. When they're only here on the weekends a majority of the year it is really hard to justify going out and spending a lot of money on tons of clothes. Could we have done better. Yes. Do they still have more clothing in their drawers that fits them then I do? Yes. The other clothing issue is where we go for clothes. Most of our clothes shopping is done at two places: Target and thrift stores. B is fine with Target, A isn't a fan. Neither one of them likes to go to thrift stores. I understand why they don't, especially when their mom can take them to Limited Too, American Eagle, Abercrombie, Macy's, and other mall stores that charge way too much. We, however, cannot take them to those stores. For starters, we just don't have the money. Secondly, if we had the money, I still don't know if I could bring myself to shop there. My mom worked retail all my life, I know how much the stores pay for that stuff and the mark-up is sickening. To be fair, I do buy clothes every now and then from New York & Company for myself. When I do, it is off the clearance rack ($9.99 for a $40.00 pair of pants) or it is on sale AND I have a coupon (I got two $40.00 dresses for a total of $33.00 this past weekend). With the exception of the dresses I got this weekend, I only get clothes from here for work and the pants (along with some clearance shirts) are the first new clothes I've gotten in over a year. There have also been times when Jim told B he was going to take her shopping but she got home too late or made other plans. Still, could we do better on this front? Totally. Could they be more open to less expensive places to shop? Yes.

As kids get older they want to spend less and less time with their family and more time with their friends and boyfriend. We totally understand this. We also don't think it is asking too much to have one or two family nights a week. And going shopping does NOT count as a family night. A majority of B's week last time she was here (2 weeks ago) was spent with friends. She was home on Monday (I can't remember what we did Monday night), Tuesday she went out with J, her boyfriend, for the entire day. Tuesday night she was home because we took her shopping. Wednesday and Thursday she was out all day and night. Friday she stayed home because, again, Jim took her shopping. She asked on Friday if a friend she hasn't seen in a while could come over on Saturday and Jim said that was fine but he was also planning something. Saturday comes and B's friend comes over for a bit. Jim tells B that we are going to ComFest as a family but her friend is welcome to come. The friend can't, she's heading home but B doesn't want to go. In fact, she's already made plans with other friends. Apparently, Jim saying she could do something with the one friend meant she could do something with all of her friends. That's her belief anyway. Besides, she doesn't want to go to ComFest. Jim tries to explain to her that this is something HE would like to do as a family and sometimes you just have to do things for the family. She said she spent time with him...he reminded her that time was about her, going shopping for her, it wasn't family time. In the end he let her go out, mostly because he realized if you hold a butterfly too tight you'll crush it (or, for teens, push them away) and at some point you have to let go. He was devastated though. He felt like she only wanted to spend time with him if it was on her terms and doing what she wanted to do. He felt like a failure as a father, that he wasn't able to teach his daughter that sometimes you do things for other people not because you also want to do them but because you know it is important and means a lot to the other person. That this is a great way to say "I love you".

Fast forward to July 3rd. Jim goes to pick B and A up from their mom's house and B refuses to come over. Jim decides to give her space for the night and takes her out for coffee the next morning. B wants to make her mom's house her permanent residence. Fine, no problem. Jim tells her he understands why she would want that and he is ok with it, he would, however, like her to take his opinion into consideration in what the new schedule will be. He wants there to be family time and said family time might not always be what she wants to do. He wanted her to recognize that not all of the issues of the past few months were totally his fault. That she played a role as well. That didn't happen though. Any progress he thought they made was quickly erased later in the day when he was told that, had it not been July 4th, B would have been at a lawyer's office. Yes, you read that right. She was going to get a lawyer and take us to court to get her way. WHAT. THE. HELL. We don't physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abuse her. We ask her questions like where is she going, who is she going out with. Apparently that is too controlling. We ask her to spend some family time with us, also too controlling. L tells Jim that B doesn't want to cut him out of her life, she wants a relationship with him. Really? She wants a relationship with him? Really? 'Cause taking someone to court doesn't exactly scream I love you to me. The kicker here is that B doesn't think it is a big deal. When Jim told her the way to get what you want is not to threaten someone, B didn't seem to think it was a big deal, that it isn't as serious as Jim is making it sound. Taking someone to court isn't serious? In what world is taking someone to court not serious?!?!?

In the end, she's not taking us to court (at least I don't think she is). She's living full time with her mom. A schedule has yet to be worked out but one will be. B is welcome here anytime but there needs to be a schedule given that there are 3 other siblings involved. And her relationship with Jim (and me) has to be rebuilt. She's hurt her father deeply and continues to do so by not recognizing the seriousness of what she threatened or that he is hurting so much. She came over yesterday for my birthday and not once said anything to me about what was going on. Never mind the fact that Jim hasn't slept in days. Never mind the fact that my birthday was forgotten about because he was consumed with this. Never mind the fact that he spent a majority of the holiday weekend on the phone with L or B and when he wasn't on the phone he was still focusing on it non-stop. Never mind the fact that my kids keep asking when they are going to see their big sister again and why she isn't here when the calendar says she's suppose to be.

At the fireworks on Friday Cole kept talking about the "smooshed heart" fireworks to Jim. Jim understands a smooshed heart all too well right now.

I know there is a saying 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I try to keep this in mind when going through a rough time and this time, I seem to have lost my recipe for lemonade. We're at a loss as to where to go from here. One day life will get easier, right? Right?