All week I've been feeling off, just not quite right. I can't describe fully how I have felt...constantly on the verge of tears and not knowing why...empty...feeling like I have forgotten something...sadness...numb. I haven't been able to shake these feelings nor could I figure out why I was feeling this way...until tonight.

I was talking to one of my closest friends and as we finished up our conversation she gently asked me how I was doing this week. Instantly I knew what was going on. I knew why I was feeling the way I was feeling.



Two years ago today I left my house to attend a birth.

Two years and one day ago I watched a woman become a mother. I watched a man become a father. I saw the new mom and dad touch their baby boy. I heard them telling him they loved him and thanking God and Jesus for him. I still hear them. I hear them saying his name over and over again. I hear the mom begging God to help her son to take a breath, then begging God to not take him. I hear the dad talking to his son, gently coaxing him to take a breath. I hear the mom asking God why.

Two years and one day ago today I watched a baby boy come into this world and never take a breath.

In the days and weeks that followed, I also watched a man become a husband and a woman become a wife. The love between these two people could be seen and felt by all. The only thing more overpowering than their love for each other is their love of and faith in God and Jesus. This couple has touched my life and countless others in a way I never thought possible.

Just random thoughts

There is something about the morning time in my house that I love though I rarely get to experience it. Every now and then I wake up before the kids do and persuade myself to not go back to sleep...not an easy thing to do mind you. But when I do get up before them, I am so thankful for it. My house is quiet and still. I can hear the trickling of the water from the filter in the fish tank and the birds singing their morning songs. And for some reason these sounds just don't sound the same at night after everyone has gone to bed. There is just something different when I'm sitting here in the morning. I just feel so at peace and calm. I've noticed my day seems to go a little bit smoother on days when I get this time in the morning...maybe I need to make sure I do this everyday...

Now I'm the one who doesn't get it

Why, why, why do US hospitals use Cytotec for labor induction? Why do we feel the need to fuck with women's bodies? Why don't doctor's council their patients on good nutrition to prevent serious pregnancy complications which require aggressive labor induction techniques?

List of countries and organizations that recommend and do not recommend cytotec (from Marsden Wagner):

Recommends

1. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)

Does not recommend

1. U.S. Food and Drug Administration
2. Best scientific opinion—Cochrane Database
3. Searle (manufacturer of Cytotec)
4. Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada
5. British Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
6. All obstetric organizations in Scandinavia
7. FIGO (International Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics)
8. World Health Organization
9. Obstetric organizations and drug regulatory agencies in many other countries

That's all for now.

They just don't get it

I'm always surprised at how little some labor and delivery nurses know about normal labor and birth. I'm currently at the hospital with a client who is being induced. At some point, the machine that goes ping (the monitor) decides to stop working. The nurse brings in the portable monitor and leaves the original one as it is bolted to the cabinet. Mom's contractions have been off and on even with a high dose of pitocin...now the last thing you want to do to this mom is invite a stranger into her room. So what do you think the nurse does? She comes in, leaving the door open, and says there is a repair man here and he is going to come in to fix the monitor. She doesn't ask mom if she is ok with this...she just says it. I look at mom and ask her is she is comfortable with this and she hesitates then says the man can come in. So he comes in says he can fix it but he'll have to come back later when the room isn't in use, as the monitor is screwed down to the cabinet...well, duh!

There are many things that can throw off a woman's labor and this is one of them...a big one, in fact! It just drives me nuts how things like this are overlooked and not considered to be a big deal. Don't women deserve privacy? Most couples didn't need an audience when they conceived their baby why would they want one when they are birthing their baby? I just don't get it...

And on the same note, is it that hard to close a freaking door behind you when entering or exiting a room?!?!?!?!?!?!?!