I’m not feeling like me. I don’t know how to describe the way I feel…I know it just isn’t me. I don’t like the word depressed. I feel like it is over used and holds no real meaning any more. A person can just be having a bad day and say they are depressed. Besides, I don’t feel depressed…I’ve been there and that feels different.

Empty, lost, tired, verge of tears, confused, angry, frustrated…all of these things rolled into one. I’m experiencing these things on their own and together, all at the same time.

A million questions keep driving through my head. What’s the point of life? What’s the point of birth? Why does it matter if a woman has a good birth? Why does anything matter? The world could end tomorrow so is there really a point to anything? Why do I care more about birth then other women do? Why does it bother me when people say things against natural birthers? Why do I feel so alone and isolated in my own parenting community? Why is it a bad thing to be proud of the way I birthed? Isn’t it a given that all birth stories should be honored? Why does pointing out that all birth stories, not just home and natural birth, should be honored bother me? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with women? Why am I starting to become angry at women? Can’t people see how fucked up this country is when it comes to birth? Can’t women see how much suffering there is? Why are people afraid of my non-vaccinated child but are more than willing to go to the hospital to have a baby? Why won’t my mother speak to me? Why did she give me up for a second time? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? Am I not good enough? Why do I care what she thinks? Why can’t I stop asking all these questions with no answers? Why can’t I just snap out of this, this…funk? Why can’t I just feel like me?

No answers, just questions…more and more questions. Hitting publish before I chicken out.

I have a new niece!

My SIL had her baby this morning!!!! Her first birth was 2 days long, unmedicated and she learned to work with her body and had a great experience but she wished it was a bit shorter. Fast forward to this morning! She woke up around 2 and went downstairs. My brother came down and asked what was going on she said she was starting to have some contractions and sent him back to bed thinking her labor would be long again. She wakes him up around 3:15 and tells him they have to go to the hospital NOW. She goes to the bathroom to pee and her bag of waters releases and the baby starts to crown! She reaches down and births her baby into her arms!!!!!!! I am so proud of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When they got to the hospital the doctor was really excited and jokingly said “This wasn’t in your birth plan!” She is so excited and feels great about her birth! Kailey Renae weighs in at 9 pounds 3 ounces and is 21 inches long!

Exam Hell

I spent the entire day on Tuesday preparing for my Sociology exam. When I don’t think I can be any more stressed about the dumb thing a friend calls and asks if I am sure I have class. Um, of course I have class…wait, why wouldn’t I have class?

Apparently, while I was busy trying to remember the different theories of crime and poverty Mother Nature decided Ohio would look much better with a blanket of fresh snow. At this point, two universities have already canceled classes for the evening, neither of which is where I go. I decided to head out a little early thinking traffic may be a bit heavier than usual. This was at 4:45pm.

I arrive in my class room at 7:15pm. The exam that I drove 2 and a 1/2 freaking hours for has been “canceled and rescheduled for Thursday” according to the note on the white board. No email or post on the on-line bulletin board from the Professor. No attempt to let a single person know that they didn’t have to sit in their car for hours on end or risk their life as the exam was canceled. Nothing. I’m trying to get over it, really, I am.
I now have two more days to stress over a 70 question exam that covers 22 pages of typed notes that is worth 35 points for a class that has a total of 100 points possible (one more exam and a paper). In addition to that exam I also have a make up Psychology exam on Wednesday from missing class to go see Ina May (see previous post) and an Algebra exam on Thursday and a presentation on OCD on Saturday to prepare for.

I now have two of the three exams done and my power point for the OCD presentation done (just need my note cards now). I think I did really well on my Sociology exam and not great on my Psychology exam; not much I can do about that now. I have two hours before my Algebra exam that I don’t know for sure is still tonight as I didn’t go to that class on Tuesday. I know, I know…I drove 2.5 hours all the way to campus so I really should have gone to Algebra. I was too pissed off at my Sociology Professor for not posting online and at the college for not closing to stay on campus…I’m odd, I know.
So what am I doing right now? Writing this. What should I be doing? Reviewing my math. What am I going to do after I post this? Surf the net some more.

I know the math stuff but I feel like I should still at least study a little bit…shouldn’t I? Oh well. Maybe I’ll look over stuff while waiting for the Professor to get to class. Maybe. Lets hear it for procrastination!

Birth

I had the privilege and pleasure to spend my day yesterday with over a hundred women from all walks of life, from all over the state of Ohio and surrounding states and from all different age ranges. The one thing we all share is a passion for birth, more importantly, safe birth for all women. I was surrounded by the most incredible women in birth. Ina May Gaskin, midwife and author of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Jackie Gruer, a CNM from Cincinnati who owned a free standing birth center where she attended births in addition to in the hospital and at home, until she was forced out of practice by unaffordable malpractice costs. JoAnne Davis, a CNM and PhDc who has attended home and hospital births and recently did a study entitled “Midwives’ Perceptions of Normalcy” that was so powerful and moving, I was brought to tears at times and I was not alone. I ate dinner with four beautiful CNMs from Ohio, only one of which is currently practicing as a CNM.

The day was full of laughter, love, anger, frustration, tears, revelations and hope. Every woman there believes, above all else, birth has to be safe. We believe in a woman’s ability to birth her baby and we believe in the appropriate use of modern technology such as cesarean birth. We fully recognize cesareans to be life saving for mothers and babies and not a single woman who was at this conference believes we should have a 0% cesarean birth rate. We also don’t believe we should have a 30.2% cesarean rate either; this is not safe for anyone.

In 1970 the US cesarean rate was 5.5%. In 2005 the cesarean rate sky rocketed to 30.2%. Some will argue that we have saved lives and birth is far safer today than it has ever been. Yes, many lives have been saved by the appropriate use of cesareans, no one argues this. The question, however, is how many lives have been hurt by the misuse of cesareans? In 1982, 7 out of every 100,000 women died in childbirth. As of 2003, 12.3 out of every 100,000 died in childbirth and, sadly, the CDC recognizes this number to be incorrect. They estimate the actual maternal mortality rate to be 1.3 to 3 times higher. Wondering how this can be possible? Reporting of maternal deaths in the US is done via an honor system; there are no penalties for misreporting or failing to report maternal deaths.

Cesareans are not the only factor in the rise of maternal mortality. Drugs used off label to induce labors, such as cytotec, play a role as well. These drugs have dangerous side effects that can lead to complications in both mother and baby. So why do we use them? If these things are so dangerous to moms and babies, why would a room full of doctors cheer at someone yelling “Next year, we’ll have a 100% cesarean rate!”? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Some believe money is a big factor. Others feel it is about control and power.

I don’t know what the answer is or even if we need one. What I do know is this: things need to change. We have a “pathological fear” when it comes to birth. Birth is mysterious and we are told horror stories from many women around us. Women no longer trust in their ability to birth, they fear it. When we birth, we let our brains drive; we need to put our brains in the back seat and let our bodies drive. Women need to know what to be scared of and it isn’t birth! We need to look at our fears and examine the aspects that scare us and what we can do about them. Will there still be cesarean births? Yes! Again, I am in no way saying there should be a 0% cesarean rate; there are reasons to have a cesarean, it can be life saving and sometimes the only way a baby can safely be born or a woman can safely birth. Rather, I am saying that perhaps we should not be so casual about cesarean birth.

There is often debate among women when it comes to birth. Some feel that people who birthed naturally should be applauded by all. Others feel that those who had epidurals are smart and those who didn’t want one are crazy. Some feel like failures if they didn’t have a certain type of birth. Many women feel judged by others about their birth. We need to realize something; there is no right or wrong way to birth. It really doesn’t matter how a woman births as long as she is respected and is given the ability to make informed choices. The judging and debating each other has to stop, it serves no one but doctors. If we are busy judging others and arguing with each other about who had a better birth, how will we have energy to question them?

There are some women asking questions and trying to make change, but it will take more. What would happen if we stopped putting all our energy into judging and/or debating each other or feeling guilty about our birth and, instead, used that energy to ask questions and demand evidenced based care? We are the richest country in the world yet only one other developed country has a higher maternal mortality rate than we do, this is a problem! Something needs to change. Women, babies and families are being hurt both physically and emotionally. We need to work together to bring forth progress, to make changes.

Women will not be alone in our quest for change. There are OBs who refuse to do unnecessary cesareans and have to go to a different hospital because they won’t fulfill a cesarean rate quota (http://birthnewsblog.blogspot.com/2005/06/doctor-wont-make-cut.html). Some are even loosing their license to practice due to having a low cesarean rate (http://millinersdream.blogspot.com/2005/10/youre-fired.html).

Where do we start? Education is key. But how do we teach women to trust in their body’s ability to give birth and teach them that there are exceptions but those exceptions are in no way failures? We can teach women ways to maximize the possibility of vaginal birth according to Ina May:

· Low sounds

· Humor for pain relief

· The recognition of the sexuality of birth helps

· Rope pulling aids descent

· Slow crowning

· The Sphincter Law rules

o Sphincters don’t obey orders

o Sphincters function best in atmospheres of intimacy and privacy

o Sphincters may suddenly close when intimacy, privacy or trust are violated

o Sphincters open most effectively when mouth and jaw are open and relaxed

· It is safe to eat and drink

· “Apple-shaking” helps

· Orgasms happen

Other things to remember, according to Ina May, are:

· When it hurts—smile!

· Relaxed mouth and throat=relaxed bottom

· Intimacy is needed in birth

Thinking I am crazy for some of these things? Ina May had us try something, you try it too and you’ll understand. Tighten your perineum; squeeze it as hard as you can. Now smile big! What happened? Were you able to keep your perineum tight while smiling? Probably not. We need to have a relaxed face in order to have a relaxed perineum. Think about toddlers who are filling their diapers. We can tell they are pooping because they have this relaxed, semi smile on their face. We need to do the same thing in birth.

We also need to celebrate birth, all birth! Tell women your favorite part of birth and don’t scare them! Tell them about the first time you heard your baby make a sound or you got to look into his eyes. What it was like to touch this being you just brought into the world for the first time. To look at him and smell his sweet baby smell. The more women hear how horrible birth is, the more they will dread and fear it. On the flip side, the more women hear others speak about birth in a positive way the more they will look forward to it. And if a birth didn’t go well, let a mom be sad or angry or happy. Ask her about the good parts of her birth and let her talk about the ugly ones too.

I end this with hope and fear. Fear that some people will not understand my passion or feel that I believe birth has to be a certain way. I don’t believe in a certain way of birthing, there is no such thing as normal birth, there is only birth. My hope is that all birthing women will know how incredible they are for bringing a baby into this world. My hope is that one day all birthing woman and all birth will be celebrated, respected and honored.