Katie Reider died this morning. We've lost an amazing woman today.
http://katiereider.blogspot.com/
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Letter to Koren
My letter to Koren Zailckas, author of Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood.
Dear Koren,
While reading your book I knew I was going to have to write you this letter once I finished. Throughout the book I struggled on what I would say to you. Even though you and I are the same age I had a difficult time relating to you, understanding you. I found myself feeling frustrated with you and the choices you made throughout the book, especially in college. I had a hard time wrapping my head around your thought processes, or what seemed to be the lack of thought. You seemed to contradict yourself on many levels. Early on I got the impression that you were more of an outsider and had no desire to be part of a big group or the in crowd. But once in college you joined a sorority, something I look at as trying to be cool and part of the in crowd. You said many times over that you preferred booze to boys yet at your graduation ceremony you recall that "in the rows ahead of me, there are too many ex-Xs to name." (page 298) There were times when I had to literally put the book down because I just didn't get why you were doing the things you were doing. Specifically when you and Elle broke into Skip's fraternity house to steal what ever items you could. Everything you did seemed so juvenile and immature to me. That's when it dawned on me. I was reading your book as a 27 year old mom and with all the perceptions of where I'm at right now in my life. Once I started thinking about my own high school and college years and trying to read the book from that point of view I began to see you and the choices you made in a different light. I am still not saying that I totally understand all of the things that you did or that you didn't make bad choices, just that I remember those years and I understand some of it.
I too was more of an outsider but joined a sorority, feeling the need to be part of something and not really meshing well with my first roommate. While I didn't drink often, I remember craving the numbness drinking would bring and the freedom it gave me to be more sexual with men and women. I remember not knowing who I really was or what I was about but thinking that I did. And the meaningless relationship with boys, that I remember all too well. And I remember wanting to escape and change who I was only to feel isolated and alone.
While reading I kept thinking that you couldn't have grown that much from your experiences, that there hadn't been enough time. That thought seems so silly to me now, we're the same age and haven't I grown a lot in the same amount of time? Why would that be possible for me and not you? How quickly we forget how much we've changed in just a few short years. Thank you for reminding me of this, it is something I needed to remember right now as I navigate life with teenage stepdaughters. My feelings and attitudes about life now have matured as I have aged. What I thought was ok when I was 16 is not the same thing that I think is ok for a 16 year old now.
As I read the last chapter of your book I was impressed with how much you seemed to grow in such a short amount of time. Your decision to abstain from alcohol rather than to be sober was smart. I especially love your realization that women need to allow themselves to be angry and to knock off the passive aggressive crap. And more than your last chapter, you acknowledgments section really spoke to me. For the first time I feel like you let us really hear how you felt about specific people in your life. Perhaps it was the first time you let yourself recognize their importance. I don't know, your words just seemed so much more real here then anywhere else in the book.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm asking my teens to read it this summer as well as my husband. Thank you for reminding me how much we change in such a short amount of time.
Dear Koren,
While reading your book I knew I was going to have to write you this letter once I finished. Throughout the book I struggled on what I would say to you. Even though you and I are the same age I had a difficult time relating to you, understanding you. I found myself feeling frustrated with you and the choices you made throughout the book, especially in college. I had a hard time wrapping my head around your thought processes, or what seemed to be the lack of thought. You seemed to contradict yourself on many levels. Early on I got the impression that you were more of an outsider and had no desire to be part of a big group or the in crowd. But once in college you joined a sorority, something I look at as trying to be cool and part of the in crowd. You said many times over that you preferred booze to boys yet at your graduation ceremony you recall that "in the rows ahead of me, there are too many ex-Xs to name." (page 298) There were times when I had to literally put the book down because I just didn't get why you were doing the things you were doing. Specifically when you and Elle broke into Skip's fraternity house to steal what ever items you could. Everything you did seemed so juvenile and immature to me. That's when it dawned on me. I was reading your book as a 27 year old mom and with all the perceptions of where I'm at right now in my life. Once I started thinking about my own high school and college years and trying to read the book from that point of view I began to see you and the choices you made in a different light. I am still not saying that I totally understand all of the things that you did or that you didn't make bad choices, just that I remember those years and I understand some of it.
I too was more of an outsider but joined a sorority, feeling the need to be part of something and not really meshing well with my first roommate. While I didn't drink often, I remember craving the numbness drinking would bring and the freedom it gave me to be more sexual with men and women. I remember not knowing who I really was or what I was about but thinking that I did. And the meaningless relationship with boys, that I remember all too well. And I remember wanting to escape and change who I was only to feel isolated and alone.
While reading I kept thinking that you couldn't have grown that much from your experiences, that there hadn't been enough time. That thought seems so silly to me now, we're the same age and haven't I grown a lot in the same amount of time? Why would that be possible for me and not you? How quickly we forget how much we've changed in just a few short years. Thank you for reminding me of this, it is something I needed to remember right now as I navigate life with teenage stepdaughters. My feelings and attitudes about life now have matured as I have aged. What I thought was ok when I was 16 is not the same thing that I think is ok for a 16 year old now.
As I read the last chapter of your book I was impressed with how much you seemed to grow in such a short amount of time. Your decision to abstain from alcohol rather than to be sober was smart. I especially love your realization that women need to allow themselves to be angry and to knock off the passive aggressive crap. And more than your last chapter, you acknowledgments section really spoke to me. For the first time I feel like you let us really hear how you felt about specific people in your life. Perhaps it was the first time you let yourself recognize their importance. I don't know, your words just seemed so much more real here then anywhere else in the book.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm asking my teens to read it this summer as well as my husband. Thank you for reminding me how much we change in such a short amount of time.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Underwire Bras
Apparently my kids listen to all my conversations even when I don't think they are close enough to hear what is being said. How do I know this? Because this morning, while getting dressed, Cole and Lydia asked me if I was wearing a bra with underwire and then they proceeded to tell me that if I am I shouldn't be because they are uncomfortable. How do they know about such things? I was talking on the phone the other night about getting new bras to a friend. I don't even remember them being in the same room with me! Guess I need to start watch what I say!
That was my laugh for the day. And it was a good one.
That was my laugh for the day. And it was a good one.
Teenagers...
The past few weeks have been hellish around here. Communication between Jim and L (his ex-wife) has been crappy but getting better. Normally we all get along really well. L even stayed with us for almost a week last summer when she decided to leave her husband. So we have a better than average relationship with one another. Lately it seemed like we couldn't do anything right. And to be fair, we felt like everything that was being done on the other end had some deeper meaning behind it too. Everything came to a head this weekend and, while things are improving with L, our lives were turned upside down by Jim's oldest, B.
B is going to be 16 in less than a week. Developmentally, 16 year olds are self-centered, not necessarily something they can help, after all it is a developmental stage. We can handle that. What we can't handle is what is happening.
Several months ago B asked Jim if we could make some changes to the shared parenting calendar. Understanding her desire for slightly more independence, Jim said we could do that and asked her what she wanted to do with the schedule. "I don't know." The conversation ended there. The subject is brought up a few more times but always ends at the same place. We can't exactly make changes when we don't know what changes she wants to make. More on this in a moment.
Both B and A (my other stepdaughter) are upset that we don't take them shopping enough. They're right, we don't. It hasn't been a priority amongst everything else going on during the weekends, the only time we see them during the school year. Don't get me wrong, they're not running around naked. They have a small variety of clothing, mostly hang-out clothes like t-shirts and gym shorts and a few other things, but not much else. When they're only here on the weekends a majority of the year it is really hard to justify going out and spending a lot of money on tons of clothes. Could we have done better. Yes. Do they still have more clothing in their drawers that fits them then I do? Yes. The other clothing issue is where we go for clothes. Most of our clothes shopping is done at two places: Target and thrift stores. B is fine with Target, A isn't a fan. Neither one of them likes to go to thrift stores. I understand why they don't, especially when their mom can take them to Limited Too, American Eagle, Abercrombie, Macy's, and other mall stores that charge way too much. We, however, cannot take them to those stores. For starters, we just don't have the money. Secondly, if we had the money, I still don't know if I could bring myself to shop there. My mom worked retail all my life, I know how much the stores pay for that stuff and the mark-up is sickening. To be fair, I do buy clothes every now and then from New York & Company for myself. When I do, it is off the clearance rack ($9.99 for a $40.00 pair of pants) or it is on sale AND I have a coupon (I got two $40.00 dresses for a total of $33.00 this past weekend). With the exception of the dresses I got this weekend, I only get clothes from here for work and the pants (along with some clearance shirts) are the first new clothes I've gotten in over a year. There have also been times when Jim told B he was going to take her shopping but she got home too late or made other plans. Still, could we do better on this front? Totally. Could they be more open to less expensive places to shop? Yes.
As kids get older they want to spend less and less time with their family and more time with their friends and boyfriend. We totally understand this. We also don't think it is asking too much to have one or two family nights a week. And going shopping does NOT count as a family night. A majority of B's week last time she was here (2 weeks ago) was spent with friends. She was home on Monday (I can't remember what we did Monday night), Tuesday she went out with J, her boyfriend, for the entire day. Tuesday night she was home because we took her shopping. Wednesday and Thursday she was out all day and night. Friday she stayed home because, again, Jim took her shopping. She asked on Friday if a friend she hasn't seen in a while could come over on Saturday and Jim said that was fine but he was also planning something. Saturday comes and B's friend comes over for a bit. Jim tells B that we are going to ComFest as a family but her friend is welcome to come. The friend can't, she's heading home but B doesn't want to go. In fact, she's already made plans with other friends. Apparently, Jim saying she could do something with the one friend meant she could do something with all of her friends. That's her belief anyway. Besides, she doesn't want to go to ComFest. Jim tries to explain to her that this is something HE would like to do as a family and sometimes you just have to do things for the family. She said she spent time with him...he reminded her that time was about her, going shopping for her, it wasn't family time. In the end he let her go out, mostly because he realized if you hold a butterfly too tight you'll crush it (or, for teens, push them away) and at some point you have to let go. He was devastated though. He felt like she only wanted to spend time with him if it was on her terms and doing what she wanted to do. He felt like a failure as a father, that he wasn't able to teach his daughter that sometimes you do things for other people not because you also want to do them but because you know it is important and means a lot to the other person. That this is a great way to say "I love you".
Fast forward to July 3rd. Jim goes to pick B and A up from their mom's house and B refuses to come over. Jim decides to give her space for the night and takes her out for coffee the next morning. B wants to make her mom's house her permanent residence. Fine, no problem. Jim tells her he understands why she would want that and he is ok with it, he would, however, like her to take his opinion into consideration in what the new schedule will be. He wants there to be family time and said family time might not always be what she wants to do. He wanted her to recognize that not all of the issues of the past few months were totally his fault. That she played a role as well. That didn't happen though. Any progress he thought they made was quickly erased later in the day when he was told that, had it not been July 4th, B would have been at a lawyer's office. Yes, you read that right. She was going to get a lawyer and take us to court to get her way. WHAT. THE. HELL. We don't physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abuse her. We ask her questions like where is she going, who is she going out with. Apparently that is too controlling. We ask her to spend some family time with us, also too controlling. L tells Jim that B doesn't want to cut him out of her life, she wants a relationship with him. Really? She wants a relationship with him? Really? 'Cause taking someone to court doesn't exactly scream I love you to me. The kicker here is that B doesn't think it is a big deal. When Jim told her the way to get what you want is not to threaten someone, B didn't seem to think it was a big deal, that it isn't as serious as Jim is making it sound. Taking someone to court isn't serious? In what world is taking someone to court not serious?!?!?
In the end, she's not taking us to court (at least I don't think she is). She's living full time with her mom. A schedule has yet to be worked out but one will be. B is welcome here anytime but there needs to be a schedule given that there are 3 other siblings involved. And her relationship with Jim (and me) has to be rebuilt. She's hurt her father deeply and continues to do so by not recognizing the seriousness of what she threatened or that he is hurting so much. She came over yesterday for my birthday and not once said anything to me about what was going on. Never mind the fact that Jim hasn't slept in days. Never mind the fact that my birthday was forgotten about because he was consumed with this. Never mind the fact that he spent a majority of the holiday weekend on the phone with L or B and when he wasn't on the phone he was still focusing on it non-stop. Never mind the fact that my kids keep asking when they are going to see their big sister again and why she isn't here when the calendar says she's suppose to be.
At the fireworks on Friday Cole kept talking about the "smooshed heart" fireworks to Jim. Jim understands a smooshed heart all too well right now.
I know there is a saying 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I try to keep this in mind when going through a rough time and this time, I seem to have lost my recipe for lemonade. We're at a loss as to where to go from here. One day life will get easier, right? Right?
B is going to be 16 in less than a week. Developmentally, 16 year olds are self-centered, not necessarily something they can help, after all it is a developmental stage. We can handle that. What we can't handle is what is happening.
Several months ago B asked Jim if we could make some changes to the shared parenting calendar. Understanding her desire for slightly more independence, Jim said we could do that and asked her what she wanted to do with the schedule. "I don't know." The conversation ended there. The subject is brought up a few more times but always ends at the same place. We can't exactly make changes when we don't know what changes she wants to make. More on this in a moment.
Both B and A (my other stepdaughter) are upset that we don't take them shopping enough. They're right, we don't. It hasn't been a priority amongst everything else going on during the weekends, the only time we see them during the school year. Don't get me wrong, they're not running around naked. They have a small variety of clothing, mostly hang-out clothes like t-shirts and gym shorts and a few other things, but not much else. When they're only here on the weekends a majority of the year it is really hard to justify going out and spending a lot of money on tons of clothes. Could we have done better. Yes. Do they still have more clothing in their drawers that fits them then I do? Yes. The other clothing issue is where we go for clothes. Most of our clothes shopping is done at two places: Target and thrift stores. B is fine with Target, A isn't a fan. Neither one of them likes to go to thrift stores. I understand why they don't, especially when their mom can take them to Limited Too, American Eagle, Abercrombie, Macy's, and other mall stores that charge way too much. We, however, cannot take them to those stores. For starters, we just don't have the money. Secondly, if we had the money, I still don't know if I could bring myself to shop there. My mom worked retail all my life, I know how much the stores pay for that stuff and the mark-up is sickening. To be fair, I do buy clothes every now and then from New York & Company for myself. When I do, it is off the clearance rack ($9.99 for a $40.00 pair of pants) or it is on sale AND I have a coupon (I got two $40.00 dresses for a total of $33.00 this past weekend). With the exception of the dresses I got this weekend, I only get clothes from here for work and the pants (along with some clearance shirts) are the first new clothes I've gotten in over a year. There have also been times when Jim told B he was going to take her shopping but she got home too late or made other plans. Still, could we do better on this front? Totally. Could they be more open to less expensive places to shop? Yes.
As kids get older they want to spend less and less time with their family and more time with their friends and boyfriend. We totally understand this. We also don't think it is asking too much to have one or two family nights a week. And going shopping does NOT count as a family night. A majority of B's week last time she was here (2 weeks ago) was spent with friends. She was home on Monday (I can't remember what we did Monday night), Tuesday she went out with J, her boyfriend, for the entire day. Tuesday night she was home because we took her shopping. Wednesday and Thursday she was out all day and night. Friday she stayed home because, again, Jim took her shopping. She asked on Friday if a friend she hasn't seen in a while could come over on Saturday and Jim said that was fine but he was also planning something. Saturday comes and B's friend comes over for a bit. Jim tells B that we are going to ComFest as a family but her friend is welcome to come. The friend can't, she's heading home but B doesn't want to go. In fact, she's already made plans with other friends. Apparently, Jim saying she could do something with the one friend meant she could do something with all of her friends. That's her belief anyway. Besides, she doesn't want to go to ComFest. Jim tries to explain to her that this is something HE would like to do as a family and sometimes you just have to do things for the family. She said she spent time with him...he reminded her that time was about her, going shopping for her, it wasn't family time. In the end he let her go out, mostly because he realized if you hold a butterfly too tight you'll crush it (or, for teens, push them away) and at some point you have to let go. He was devastated though. He felt like she only wanted to spend time with him if it was on her terms and doing what she wanted to do. He felt like a failure as a father, that he wasn't able to teach his daughter that sometimes you do things for other people not because you also want to do them but because you know it is important and means a lot to the other person. That this is a great way to say "I love you".
Fast forward to July 3rd. Jim goes to pick B and A up from their mom's house and B refuses to come over. Jim decides to give her space for the night and takes her out for coffee the next morning. B wants to make her mom's house her permanent residence. Fine, no problem. Jim tells her he understands why she would want that and he is ok with it, he would, however, like her to take his opinion into consideration in what the new schedule will be. He wants there to be family time and said family time might not always be what she wants to do. He wanted her to recognize that not all of the issues of the past few months were totally his fault. That she played a role as well. That didn't happen though. Any progress he thought they made was quickly erased later in the day when he was told that, had it not been July 4th, B would have been at a lawyer's office. Yes, you read that right. She was going to get a lawyer and take us to court to get her way. WHAT. THE. HELL. We don't physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abuse her. We ask her questions like where is she going, who is she going out with. Apparently that is too controlling. We ask her to spend some family time with us, also too controlling. L tells Jim that B doesn't want to cut him out of her life, she wants a relationship with him. Really? She wants a relationship with him? Really? 'Cause taking someone to court doesn't exactly scream I love you to me. The kicker here is that B doesn't think it is a big deal. When Jim told her the way to get what you want is not to threaten someone, B didn't seem to think it was a big deal, that it isn't as serious as Jim is making it sound. Taking someone to court isn't serious? In what world is taking someone to court not serious?!?!?
In the end, she's not taking us to court (at least I don't think she is). She's living full time with her mom. A schedule has yet to be worked out but one will be. B is welcome here anytime but there needs to be a schedule given that there are 3 other siblings involved. And her relationship with Jim (and me) has to be rebuilt. She's hurt her father deeply and continues to do so by not recognizing the seriousness of what she threatened or that he is hurting so much. She came over yesterday for my birthday and not once said anything to me about what was going on. Never mind the fact that Jim hasn't slept in days. Never mind the fact that my birthday was forgotten about because he was consumed with this. Never mind the fact that he spent a majority of the holiday weekend on the phone with L or B and when he wasn't on the phone he was still focusing on it non-stop. Never mind the fact that my kids keep asking when they are going to see their big sister again and why she isn't here when the calendar says she's suppose to be.
At the fireworks on Friday Cole kept talking about the "smooshed heart" fireworks to Jim. Jim understands a smooshed heart all too well right now.
I know there is a saying 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I try to keep this in mind when going through a rough time and this time, I seem to have lost my recipe for lemonade. We're at a loss as to where to go from here. One day life will get easier, right? Right?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Other things/people I don't get...
While on the subject of things/people I don't get...
Women who don't vote and the lack of depth about suffrage in history classes. In my other Women's Studies class we're watching Iron Jawed Angels, which, from what I can find, is very accurate in its portrayal of what the women leading the Suffrage Movement endured. The romantic story isn't accurate but the treatment the women received is.
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE LEARN ABOUT THIS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL? Did you know these women were held as political prisoners on trumped up charges of "blocking traffic" because they stood outside the White House holding a banner that quoted the President. I don't have the exact text of the banner but it was an except from his April 2, 1917 War Message to Congress. The text of the banner was taken from this part of his speech (the part in bold is the part I believe they quoted but I'm not totally sure):
I don't get our schools either...how can they not be teaching this?
Women who don't vote and the lack of depth about suffrage in history classes. In my other Women's Studies class we're watching Iron Jawed Angels, which, from what I can find, is very accurate in its portrayal of what the women leading the Suffrage Movement endured. The romantic story isn't accurate but the treatment the women received is.
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE LEARN ABOUT THIS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL? Did you know these women were held as political prisoners on trumped up charges of "blocking traffic" because they stood outside the White House holding a banner that quoted the President. I don't have the exact text of the banner but it was an except from his April 2, 1917 War Message to Congress. The text of the banner was taken from this part of his speech (the part in bold is the part I believe they quoted but I'm not totally sure):
It is a fearful thing to lead this great peaceful people into war, into the most terrible and disastrous of all wars, civilization itself seeming to be in the balance. But the right is more precious than peace, and we shall fight for the things which we have always carried nearest our hearts -- for democracy, for the right of those who submit to authority to have a voice in their own governments, for the rights and liberties of small nations, for a universal dominion of right by such a concert of free peoples as shall bring peace and safety to all nations and make the world itself at last free. (Wilson's War Message to Congress)Why the hell weren't we taught what these women went through to gain the rest of us the right to vote? And why in the world do some women not vote after what these women endured. Hmm...maybe I've just answered my own question. Women have no fucking idea what was done for them to be able to cast their ballot.
I don't get our schools either...how can they not be teaching this?
In my Women and Addiction class we watched a film called Spin the Bottle. It is about drinking drinking in college. Very fascinating look into college life and why students feel the need or have the desire to drink. I don't understand why this film isn't shown in every single freshman orientation to both the incoming students and their parents. It should be then and in high school. Why isn't this film in every high school being watched by all of their students? I think I'll be making a call to my step-daughter's high school about it.
I try very hard to understand people with different views on things than I do. I'm finding this to be increasingly difficult, especially on this issue. I have never been a big drinker, the three times in my life I've been drunk I got sick and spent the night talking to God on the porcelain phone. Any fun I may have had those evenings was not worth the price I paid later on. I vividly remember crawling on the floor while begging God to let me make it to the bathroom before I puked so I wouldn't have to clean up my own puke or, on one occasion when I was drinking to escape my life, to just help me make it through the night because I was so trashed I wasn't sure if I would wake up. Many of the students recount similar stories after a night of drinking but "Hey, I had fun at the party." I just don't get this. I don't get going out and "drinking to get drunk" three nights a week every week. The film talked about the reasons kids give as to why they drink and it is just so sad. To feel powerful, to feel sexy, to fit in, to be a man because "the more you drink the more of a man you are." What the hell are we doing to our kids?!?!?!
Here's a clip from the film:
Again I ask, what the hell are we doing to our kids?
I try very hard to understand people with different views on things than I do. I'm finding this to be increasingly difficult, especially on this issue. I have never been a big drinker, the three times in my life I've been drunk I got sick and spent the night talking to God on the porcelain phone. Any fun I may have had those evenings was not worth the price I paid later on. I vividly remember crawling on the floor while begging God to let me make it to the bathroom before I puked so I wouldn't have to clean up my own puke or, on one occasion when I was drinking to escape my life, to just help me make it through the night because I was so trashed I wasn't sure if I would wake up. Many of the students recount similar stories after a night of drinking but "Hey, I had fun at the party." I just don't get this. I don't get going out and "drinking to get drunk" three nights a week every week. The film talked about the reasons kids give as to why they drink and it is just so sad. To feel powerful, to feel sexy, to fit in, to be a man because "the more you drink the more of a man you are." What the hell are we doing to our kids?!?!?!
Here's a clip from the film:
Again I ask, what the hell are we doing to our kids?
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