Thank You Santa!

I had a bag of cookies sitting outside my door tonight from Santa (read: a reader who felt I needed them). Thank you so much. Your note brought tears to my eyes (in a good way) and gave me warm fuzzies!

We celebrated Christmas today as my stepdaughters are with their mom tomorrow. So this morning was Christmas morning and we opened all our gifts and played Wii all day. Well, the kids played Wii all day, Jim and I cooked mostly. My dad, stepmom, Aunt Joy (she lives in Hawaii), all four kids, and Laurie (Jim's ex-wife) came over for dinner and fun on the Wii. We had a blast! I even needed a mini-nap tonight! :D

I am feeling a bit better about Christmas, still not how I used to. Eh, I'll figure it out eventually.

Thank you again Santa. The cookies are very yummy and the thought means more than I can say.

I am struggling with so much right now. My emotions and feelings towards Christmas, my mom, my birth mom, one of my closest friends.

I'm really struggling this Christmas. What is the meaning of it?

We can't afford to buy our kids much this year and I'm really sad about it. Four days until Christmas and we haven't purchased a single gift which will be from us. I've gotten the kids clothes for my mom (with the gift card she sent) and we got the Wii for my dad (for which he paid for) but nothing from us. I did get paid last night so we can start shopping some tonight and some tomorrow night but it still won't be much. And my struggles aren't just about gifts. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. The song "Where are you Christmas" keeps playing over and over in my head. The poorly done "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (the one with Jim Carey) has made me cry. I sobbed watching "The Nativity Story" and I'm not even Christian...though I do believe in Jesus and his birth story and how/why he died. I hate that my kids think Christmas is all about getting, getting, getting. I didn't want to raise them this way and I'm not entirely sure how they got this way either. Now I have the song "Shroud" running through my head. One line from the song is about Christmas..."I had to leave the house of privilege, spent Christmas homeless and feeling bad, to learn that privilege is a headache that you don't know that you don't have." Every time I hear this song my brain goes crazy...I don't know how a person could not be moved by it.

I want Christmas to be about giving, helping, love, family, and getting. I am just not feeling any of these things this year and I'm sad about it.

I miss my moms...both of them. Pat (my adopted mom) lives in Florida. She used to work retail and couldn't come see us for Christmas. We went to her once or twice but I won't travel anymore on Christmas, it isn't fair to the kids. She left retail and moved to Florida where she got a job at a bank. She was so excited to not be in retail any more and told me she would be able to spend holidays with us now. This is her first Christmas not working retail and she's staying in Florida. She says it is a money issue. I don't know if I believe her or not, regardless, I feel like if she wanted to be here she could be. I miss her terribly.

I miss Jackie too. Jackie is my birth mom. We haven't talked in almost two years and while I've felt ok about this for a while now, I've still missed her. Now I'm missing her even more. Maybe it was my sister coming up to get something that triggered it. My sister made a comment that Jackie wanted her to get healthy because she wants her to be able to have kids someday, it is important to Jackie she have grandkids from my sister. My heart broke when she said that. I blurted out "She has two grandkids she ignores." My sister didn't say anything. I miss her so much. I wish I could have one more hug and hear I love you one more time. I wish I knew why she won't talk to me anymore.

Funny, I used to be such a daddy's girl and when I became a mom it seems both of my moms became so much more important to me. I have one other mom (my adopted dad's second wife) and I do love her very much, just not the same as I do Pat and Jackie.

I don't know how to talk with a friend about something. I feel like a price tag was put on our friendship. This isn't about a Wii...that's just silly, a strong friendship can't end over a game. This is about how much our friendship is worth. To offer someone something, something which is hard to find, then to take back that offer because you can make a couple hundred dollars...that just isn't ok. Friends don't do things like this to each other. This isn't what Christmas is about.

To add to it, I woke up this morning with a very odd energy about me. I didn't want Jim to go. Even now, I feel very uneasy that he isn't here. Even more odd, he feels the same way. I wish we all hadn't been so sick last week otherwise he would have stayed home today. I can't explain how I'm feeling. It isn't emotional, though when I think about it I do get emotional. More of a sense of him needing to be here...of feeling as if something is missing.

On a bright note, I had a great birth at OSU on Sunday. Mom and dad were absolutely amazing. Certainly one of the best births I've ever attended at OSU and ranks pretty high among all my births.

Also, I'm finally working on the midwifery video. Need to get that finished. I'll post it when I can.

Wii

Our kids are going to have to fight us to play the Wii I think.

Four months ago we asked my dad to get our kids a Wii for Christmas and he said no problem. Then he forgot until a few weeks ago. :( We did the Wii Alerts and no luck. So Saturday we decided we would get up really early to get one at Circut City...then I had to go to a birth. Jim, on a whim, at 1 am drove by the store and there were already 3 people in line. He went home, got some stuff together and went back to get in line (2 more people had already come). He got the 7th Wii out of 9 (one person ditched when the Manager came out). This was Sunday.

Last night I had the brilliant idea of setting up the Wii now and getting it ready to go then leaving all the cables plugged in and putting it back in the box so Christmas morning after the kids open it all we have to do is plug it in and start playing. We do that. Then we end up playing for hours! It is so much freaking fun!!!!!!

Oh, and we did better on Wii bowling than RL Bowling!

Homebirth Video

I'm working on a video/slide show about homebirth. I can actually see the finished product in my head so I know it will happen. I am a little discouraged right now as I don't have as many stories as I would like to have at this point. I know Ohio women will step up to the plate and tell their stories. People have to hear why women are choosing homebirth. People have to hear from the women themselves about being lied to or misled or abused. People have to know the truth from someone other than me.

I keep getting more ideas for my video. I'm thinking about interviewing midwives, about why they became a midwife and about what they are seeing in the women who are coming to them for their births.

One of my favorite midwives is under investigation right now. She is one of many being investigated. This has to stop.

I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT IN TO OSU UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!

Request for Homebirthers

Did you choose to have a homebirth because you felt your birthing options were being limited? Did you switch from an OB to a homebirth midwife during your pregnancy so you could birth your baby how you wanted? Did you have your first baby in the hospital and had a bad experience which led you to find a homebirth midwife? If you answered yes to any of these questions I need your help!

Many of you may have heard about different midwives around the state being investigated for attending homebirths. I am saddened by what is going on and struggle with what to do about it. My step-mom reminded me that change will occur as you spread your love and consciousness, wisdom, and education to your community. Many people don't understand why someone would choose a homebirth nor do they understand what many women go through in the hospital. While driving today I had an idea. I am going to make a photo montage of homebirth families with their midwives and explain the reason each family choose the route they did. I tell people everyday what leads many to seek out a midwife and I don't feel like I'm being heard. I believe people need to hear the stories from the families. They need to see the faces and know this is real and not just some out-there story. If you are interested in being a part of my project here is what I need from you:

* Permission to use your photos, name (first name and last initial) and your story
* 4-5 photos from your labor and/or birth
* A family photo, preferably right after the birth but any will do
* A photo with your family and your midwife (her name will not be used)
* Your story: What happened that caused you to seek out a midwife? Did you feel your options were being limited? Did you not feel respected by your OB? The hospital? Did you feel mistreated in your first birth and knew there was a better way?

I prefer all of the above to be sent to me in an email but if your photos are not on your computer you can mail them to me as well (please contact me for my address). I would like to have everything by December 5th as I am going to create this while on Christmas break from school.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me at WhyOhioNeedsMidwives@gmail.com or call me at 614-336-9828. Also, feel free to pass this on to anyone who may be interested in this project.

Thank you!

Catie M. Mehl, LCCE

Hospital Births No More

In the last 2 1/2 months I have seen the ugly side of hospital birth and I have seen, first hand, the long term effects of a poor birth experience. I can't watch it any longer. I have decided to take a break from hospital births for a while. It helps that I was getting ready to stop taking clients regardless of where they were birthing with the exception of repeat clients. Now I'll only take repeats who are having homebirths...not even for them can I bring myself to step back into a hospital right now.

I have two hospital birth clients left then I am done.

If you are pregnant and reading this and wondering why I am done...be forewarned, you may not believe what I am going to tell you so be prepared to let the thought of "But my doctor cares about me" go. Your doctor doesn't care about you in the way that you think. He/She cares about making money, making it home for dinner on time and not being sued. Please note: I am speaking of the doctors here in my community, not anywhere else.

-An experienced nurse doesn't have her stuff together when she starts an IV causing mom to bleed everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE; all over her hand, leg, bed and floor) and much more pain than necessary. This, in turn, causes mom's labor to stall every time a nurse comes in the room. This is common in mammals. If a mammal feels threatened during childbirth they stop their labor until they feel safe again. Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Because mom is not medicated, nurses are coming in quite often and mom is only having good contractions for about 10-15 minutes before they stop. She doesn't progress for a very long time and decides to get an epidural as the nurse tells her she just isn't able to relax and that is causing her to no dilate. If this were the case, getting the epidural would cause her to dilate very quickly (within an hour, in my experience). The nurse stays in the room for the first hour after the epidural is placed and checks her just before she leaves the room...no change. Mom is now left alone (by the nurses, dad and I are there) for two hours straight. She's numb, has monitors on continuously and is resting so they don't want to bother her. In those two hours she goes to complete. When she pushes with the nurse baby doesn't move down. When the nurse has to leave the room for something and asks me to push with her she makes huge progress...then the nurse comes back and said progress stops. Baby is born with the assistance of a vacuum. Re-reading this it doesn't sound like a big deal. It was. Especially if you consider that if mom had had a homebirth (or a nurse with her shit together when placing the IV) she most likely would have birthed her baby about 12 hours sooner.

-An abuse survivor is laboring with her first birth. She is complete and pushing when the on-call doctor for her practice comes in and forces her legs open and checks her (rather aggressively) without talking to her first. Mom tells him he's hurting her. He keeps doing what he is doing. He tells her she has plenty of room to push out her baby but she's just in too much pain so she needs to get an epidural or she'll end up with a cesarean. No shit she's in pain, you just put your hand in her without her permission and didn't stop when she said you were hurting her! Mom gets an epidural and is pushing her baby out when Dr. Ass-hat comes back in to do some fundal pressure and cut an episiotomy without telling or asking because she's not pushing the baby out fast enough for him. How do I know that is the reason? He was off call 45 minutes ago and decided to stay on and finish her up (read: get paid for her birth). Gee, how nice of him. Mom's tummy is red and sore for days from the pressure he put on it to get the baby out faster. Baby's heart tones were fine, there was no rush on the part of mom or baby...just him. Interestingly enough, her contractions also stopped as soon as he came in the room the second time...and she was on pitocin! Again, Mother Nature is not a force to be reckoned with. He then stitches her up with out cleaning the perineum first and is done in less than 7 minutes after birth.

-A beautiful unmedicated birth ends with a hemorrhage because the doctor had the placenta out in less than 4 minutes. Doctors can do that when a woman has an IV line going with pitocin on-board because they are "controlling" the situation (it still isn't the best idea, IMO). When a mom doesn't have pit on-board the last thing you want to do is force the placenta out before its ready and that is just what this doctor did even though he told mom he wouldn't do it and he was fine with waiting for it to come on its own. Mom got to hold her baby for 5 minutes before she handed her baby to her husband because she felt woozy then almost passed out. And even before this happened, baby was only on mom for 30 seconds because he wouldn't cry. He was pinking up, breathing, looking around and even moving his arms and legs but he just didn't want to cry so the nurse had to take him to the warmer to make him cry before mom could hold him. In the homebirths I've been at the baby doesn't usually cry. Myself and others I've spoke to say that is common in unmedicated birth but the nurses aren't use to it.

-A mom wanting a VBAC is verbally abused by one of the doctors in the practice she is with (not her normal doctor). She decides she would rather birth on the side of the road than have him deliver her. She goes into labor two days later, she arrives at the hospital complete and guess who the on-call doctor is. Dr. Verbal Abuse. She and her husband amaze me and stand their ground saying they don't want him and would prefer a resident. Eye rolls from the resident in the room (mom doesn't see this) and all the nurses are telling her she can't do that. I tell her she can do what she wants to do and if she doesn't want him there she has that right. Nurse Ratchet doesn't like me now and asks for my name. Dr. Verbal Abuse arrives and comes in, mom tells him no and to go away. He pulls me out into the hall and asks if he has to go through me for everything...WTF???!!!?!?! I say no, she's the one in charge. He goes back in the room and is rather saccharine. Dad tells him to leave and then goes in the hallway to talk with him. He blames mom and dad for causing a commotion and dad comes back in and says he understands why mom doesn't want him there, he wouldn't listen to a thing dad had to say. Meanwhile, every few minutes a new nurse would come in the room and feel mom's belly and say 'Your first baby was less than 7 pounds and you needed a section for her. This baby is way bigger!' or 'You've got a pretty big baby in there!'. I wanted to scream. I didn't, it was hard not to. Mom pushed for an hour then went back for another cesarean as the baby never moved past 0 station. I feel it was psychological. Can I prove it? No. Can anyone prove that it wasn't? No.

-A repeat client who is early in her pregnancy is suffering from severe PTSD from her first birth where she was told that if she didn't do what her CNM was telling her to do she was going to kill her baby (her CNM was the one saying this to her). Not just her baby would die (playing the dead baby card) but that SHE would kill her baby. Then, as she was pushing her baby out the doctor who was there to deliver her baby was no where to be found and her baby was held in at her perineum until the doctor could be found. The resident moved her hand as the doctor put her hands in ready position and baby slipped right out. One minute APGAR of 6 and five minute APGAR of 8. Baby goes to special care nursery for several hours for breathing issue.

There you have it. Written down it doesn't seem as bad as it was but trust me...it was bad. And I just can't watch this any more. I can't watch the abuse, both verbal and physical. I can't watch people who should feel so privileged to be apart of bringing a new life into this world disrespect the process as much as they do. I can't sit though more prenatals listening to women say their doctor said this or that and knowing that their doctor is lying to them. And I try to get them to see that, oh how I try...but they won't listen! They have to experience it for themselves first and then they'll understand. But I can't watch that experience any more. If I do, I don't know that I can continue on my path to become a doctor because I'll just get so angry with everyone and I don't want hatred to be my driving force. Change has to happen soon. And when I'm done with residency isn't soon enough.

New Puppy!

We got a new puppy! Anyone have ideas for a name?

I'm always amazed...

I'm always amazed when I can tell what position a baby is in better than the nurses and doctors...ya know, the one's with their hands up the mom feeling the baby's head. Its kind of sad actually, I mean, I'm a freaking doula! They are suppose to be the "experts" when it comes to birth yet, just by watching mom, looking at her belly and observing her contraction pattern and labor patten I can tell where baby is at. I just don't get it. Oh well...maybe one day they'll learn that baby's position matters and "head-down" isn't the only thing that counts.

I don't like what I see.

I am so sick and tired of watching women be assaulted and practically raped while birthing. There is only so much I can do and it just isn't enough. I have four births left this year and I am looking forward to being done for a while and getting a break. I don't know how much longer I can watch what goes on without going crazy. Not that going crazy will help anything either. People don't listen to crazy people. But people don't listen to me anyhow...no matter if I speak gently or scream at the top of my lungs.

What I see doctors doing makes me sick.

I want to...

Scream. Cry. Sleep. Hide.

There is so much I need/want/should/could do and I just don't even know where to start. I want to empty my house out and only put the things we use back in it. I want to get caught up on our bills...the very bills that just one month ago I had caught up or they were about to be because I made a budget and had a plan. Budgets and plans don't work if you don't stick to them. Sigh.

I want to be getting ready to leave for Boston tonight. We're not going to Boston anymore, though. Money issues and I was worried about leaving my kids for so long. I so needed that trip though. I need to get away for a bit. Both Jim and I need to get away and take a break from life and kids. Just a couple of days...

I really hope all these emotions are just from hormones...that means they'll be gone soon.

I'm Smart!

Really, I am! I got a 96 on my Chemistry exam which gives me an A for the quarter in Chem. I got a 98 on my algebra exam which also give me an A for the quarter in Algebra. For fall quarter I have a 4.0 and my cumulative GPA is 3.9.

/cheer

My Sister Saves the Day!

My sister rocks! It is 11:00 pm and I just realized tomorrow is my last day to make up a chemistry lab I missed due to a birth. I was just going to forget about it, the lab is only 10 points and I have a solid A in the class and feel good about our last exam and the final. Then I remember what I was doing on Friday when I missed my second lab...

What was I doing? Praying to God on the porcelain phone. In other words, I was sick. So sick the offer from my husband's ex-wife to come over and help me and/or take me to the ER was starting to sound like a really good idea. (My hubby would have offered except he had to help take care of people who were dealing with losing their homes from the flooding in Northern Ohio.) Since I couldn't stand without everything getting fuzzy and black and there was an annoying ringing sound in my ears, I decided driving to chemistry class and playing with chemicals probably wasn't the best idea in the world. So I didn't go. There goes another 10 points.

While I could still probably maintain my A in chemistry I would rather play it safe and do this make up lab. So I IM my sister and ask her if she can come up here tomorrow morning and watch my kids. She doesn't even hesitate; she asks if she thinks leaving her house by six will be early enough to miss rush hour. Now that's what I call supporting your local soon to be med student (see previous entry)! I love her so much. She rocks my world! Now if I could find her a good guy who will treat her right...

THANK YOU JESSI!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!! I'M LUCKY TO HAVE YOU FOR MY SISTER!!

Support Your Local Medical Student!

I have a bumper sticker which reads "Support Your Local Midwife". I love the sticker's message and agree with it 100%. I also believe we, birth activists, need to support our local medical students, doulas, CBEs, OBs, Family Doctors, L&D Nurses etc. We need to seek out the providers in our area who support normal birth and give them business and send them business. We need to talk to doulas and get their cards to hand out to any pregnant women we see. We need to find the GOOD hospital childbirth educators and refer people to their classes. (Lets face it, most people are more likely to take a hospital class than a private class). We need to bring goodies to the L&D Nurse who worked so hard to help a mother have a good birth. We need to support those we know who are going to go or who are in medical school...tell them they can do it and ask what we can do to help them.

Why must we do this? Because these people can't hear these things enough or have enough done for them. We fight an up hill battle in all we do for birthing women. We put our lives on hold, ask our families to deal with so much all for people they don't know. We face nay-sayers and those who think we are delusional constantly. On top of that, we deal with our own self doubt. Is is worth it? Will I really be able to make a difference?

We need to be told we can and will make a difference! We need to be told we are not crazy! We need people to ask us what they can do for us to help us defend birth!

Those of us who are trying to make a change often find ourselves marching to the beat of our own drum. Some of us may start to lose our rhythm and need others to march with us to remind us why we're marching in the first place.

Wow...just wow

A must read hospital birth story. This one is not to be missed!

A Birth Unfolds in Photos and Words

This is awesome...

What a week...

I last posted on Thursday morning as I was feeling sad about the death of a baby two years ago. Less than 24 hours later I was headed to a birth on his birthday. I had a hard time with this...I just didn't feel like I was ready to be at another birth on his day. But then a good friend of mine pointed out that maybe it is better to have it happen now. We all knew this would happen eventually and better now than 15 years from now when it might be even harder. Turned out this new little baby girl was born the next day in the wee hours of the morning. So that was Friday and Saturday.

Sunday, I didn't really do much but spend time with the family...after sleeping in and enjoying breakfast in bed ('cause I have a kick-ass husband!).

Monday was low key as was Tuesday until I got to math class. The Prof was passing back our quizes from Thursday. I was not looking forward to seeing my grade. I even told the Prof to just keep it...I didn't even want to know as Thursday was a bad night and I was thankful he drops our lowest quiz grade. He chuckled and said he used my quiz as the key. That's right...I got a freaking 25 out of 25. I couldn't believe it.

Wednesday I had chem class then I had to meet with the husband of a potential client as he wasn't able to be at the original interview. I was expecting a shake of the hand and a once over but I got a dad who was pretty well informed and, while he seemed like certain options were not options, was open to hearing about them. Primarily HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean). His wife really wants to birth their baby at home and he just can't wrap his head around the idea. After talking a lot and answering a lot of questions and giving him honest information about the real risks and benefits to hospital birth and home birth...he's decided they can at least talk with the home birth midwife. Even if they decide to still go the hospital route, mom is so happy they are at least exploring the option of home birth.

And this is something I just can't wrap my head around. Why are people so afraid of homebirth? Why is it people always ask "But what if xy or z happens?" Umm...then your midwife deals with it or you go in...we're talking about birthing babies here, not rocket science. I just don't get it. I wonder if people think having a hospital birth guarantees them a healthy baby and a healthy mom. I don't know why I wonder this as I am pretty darn sure most people do. When I do a birth events time line in my childbirth class people always match maternal and infant mortality rates with the wrong years. I've never had someone get it right. And everyone is speechless when I tell them the correct answers. I can understand why, though. I think I had a hard time wrapping my head around the differences in the rates from 1981 to 2004. Both have gone up, by the way. Our ranking for infant mortality of Industrialized Nations has gotten worse too...we rank behind Cuba currently.

After seeing what I see at almost every hospital birth I question what I am doing. I really no longer understand why anyone would want to birth their baby in the hospital (except those who know they are high risk). Parents are fooled into thinking they will have a healthy baby if they birth in this shiny hospital and home birth is dangerous. I just watched a clip of Marsden Wagner, MD talking about home birth and OB/GYNs. He talked about speaking to groups of doctors who were all riled up about home birth and asking them to raise their hand if they have ever attended a home birth. No one ever seems to raise their hand. How can these docs get so upset about something they know so little about? What scares them so much about birthing a baby at home? Forget home birth...what scares them so much about birth in general? Why does birth require so much medical effort? And why are they not able to step back and see that so many complications arise because of things being done to a woman while she is in labor? Why am I able to step back and recognize when a woman should not have a home birth and I can see when a cesarean birth is a better option for her or when a woman is not progressing because she would prefer to be in the hospital but they can't see that being in the hospital isn't the best option for every woman? And after asking myself all of these questions I remember why I'm doing what I am doing...and why it is so important that I keep moving forward.

I saw my favorite doc today. She, along with many others, keep telling me to keep my options open; don't limit myself to OB, I might find something I like better. That along with not getting my hopes up about making too much change, I won't be able to do it with our system...sure, things might change between now and then, but I shouldn't hold my breath. I know they are just trying to prepare me for a long and bumpy road and they don't want me to be disappointed. I know this because I've heard it before with other things. Similar things were said to me about finding my birth mom and then about having a natural birth with my first and then about having a vaginal breech birth. The thing is, I knew I could do everything everyone told me I couldn't do...and when I was told I couldn't do it, I wanted to do it even more. I know I can do this. I know I can make it through med school and through OB residency. I know I can make changes. I will open a birth center. I will catch babies who need to enter this world butt or feet first. I will let women birth the way they know how to birth. And if something happens that truly needs medical attention, I'll be there. And most importantly, I will do these things right here in Columbus, Ohio.

So you can think I'm crazy or you can think that I can and will do this...just know I don't want to hear what you're thinking unless you're going to tell me I can and will do this.

All week I've been feeling off, just not quite right. I can't describe fully how I have felt...constantly on the verge of tears and not knowing why...empty...feeling like I have forgotten something...sadness...numb. I haven't been able to shake these feelings nor could I figure out why I was feeling this way...until tonight.

I was talking to one of my closest friends and as we finished up our conversation she gently asked me how I was doing this week. Instantly I knew what was going on. I knew why I was feeling the way I was feeling.



Two years ago today I left my house to attend a birth.

Two years and one day ago I watched a woman become a mother. I watched a man become a father. I saw the new mom and dad touch their baby boy. I heard them telling him they loved him and thanking God and Jesus for him. I still hear them. I hear them saying his name over and over again. I hear the mom begging God to help her son to take a breath, then begging God to not take him. I hear the dad talking to his son, gently coaxing him to take a breath. I hear the mom asking God why.

Two years and one day ago today I watched a baby boy come into this world and never take a breath.

In the days and weeks that followed, I also watched a man become a husband and a woman become a wife. The love between these two people could be seen and felt by all. The only thing more overpowering than their love for each other is their love of and faith in God and Jesus. This couple has touched my life and countless others in a way I never thought possible.

Just random thoughts

There is something about the morning time in my house that I love though I rarely get to experience it. Every now and then I wake up before the kids do and persuade myself to not go back to sleep...not an easy thing to do mind you. But when I do get up before them, I am so thankful for it. My house is quiet and still. I can hear the trickling of the water from the filter in the fish tank and the birds singing their morning songs. And for some reason these sounds just don't sound the same at night after everyone has gone to bed. There is just something different when I'm sitting here in the morning. I just feel so at peace and calm. I've noticed my day seems to go a little bit smoother on days when I get this time in the morning...maybe I need to make sure I do this everyday...

Now I'm the one who doesn't get it

Why, why, why do US hospitals use Cytotec for labor induction? Why do we feel the need to fuck with women's bodies? Why don't doctor's council their patients on good nutrition to prevent serious pregnancy complications which require aggressive labor induction techniques?

List of countries and organizations that recommend and do not recommend cytotec (from Marsden Wagner):

Recommends

1. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)

Does not recommend

1. U.S. Food and Drug Administration
2. Best scientific opinion—Cochrane Database
3. Searle (manufacturer of Cytotec)
4. Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada
5. British Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
6. All obstetric organizations in Scandinavia
7. FIGO (International Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics)
8. World Health Organization
9. Obstetric organizations and drug regulatory agencies in many other countries

That's all for now.

They just don't get it

I'm always surprised at how little some labor and delivery nurses know about normal labor and birth. I'm currently at the hospital with a client who is being induced. At some point, the machine that goes ping (the monitor) decides to stop working. The nurse brings in the portable monitor and leaves the original one as it is bolted to the cabinet. Mom's contractions have been off and on even with a high dose of pitocin...now the last thing you want to do to this mom is invite a stranger into her room. So what do you think the nurse does? She comes in, leaving the door open, and says there is a repair man here and he is going to come in to fix the monitor. She doesn't ask mom if she is ok with this...she just says it. I look at mom and ask her is she is comfortable with this and she hesitates then says the man can come in. So he comes in says he can fix it but he'll have to come back later when the room isn't in use, as the monitor is screwed down to the cabinet...well, duh!

There are many things that can throw off a woman's labor and this is one of them...a big one, in fact! It just drives me nuts how things like this are overlooked and not considered to be a big deal. Don't women deserve privacy? Most couples didn't need an audience when they conceived their baby why would they want one when they are birthing their baby? I just don't get it...

And on the same note, is it that hard to close a freaking door behind you when entering or exiting a room?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

My Kids

I'm back!

Sorry to have taken such a long break from writing, life has been crazy busy and it seems I have my best ideas for writing when I am in my car on my way to school and I just can't type and drive. Any how...

Here's all the latest and greatest news:

• I'm now a Childbirth Educator for a local hospital
• I got straight A's again this quarter
• I am now officially a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator (LCCE)
• I'm in Florida for the week visiting my mom and other family

To see pics of my trip thus far go to www.YouTube.com/CatieDoula.

Enjoy!

My Goals

I need this in writing and for people to hold me to it!

My Goals
1. To be a practicing doctor by the time I am 35 (current age: 25)
2. Open a Birthing Center in Columbus, Ohio
3. To be reliable back-up for CPMs and LMs
4. To have a practice with CNMs and LCs

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm doing it!

I'm going to go to med school and become a doctor. I haven't decided between Family Practice and OB but I'm leaning more towards Family Practice where I can specialize in Maternal Health. Also, as a Family Practice doctor, I may have more influence over things such as RIC and Breastfeeding.

I'm going to change things. I'm going to make a difference. I'm going to open a birthing center and back homebirth midwives. I'm going to see that ALL birthing women are respected for THEIR CHOICES. I will make a difference.

I think I'm crazy...

The birth I was at the other day ended in a transfer to the hospital. When the mom arrived at the hospital, she was treated in a way no person should ever be treated. Her support team was threatened as well. The way she was treated is sickening. Why? Why do the doctors and nurses have to be so nasty to women who choose to birth differently then end up needing the medical support a hospital can offer? Why must a woman preferring a home birth be treated with such lack of human kindness or respect?

I wasn't the doula for this woman. A good friend of mine is her doula and I asked her if I could shadow her...I desperately wanted to see a good birth; a home birth. I needed to be reminded of how a birth is suppose to be. I wanted to see a birth, not a medical event. I felt I needed this to re-energize me in regards to birth. I got to see a 99% pure birth. After several hours of pushing everyone decided it was time to head on in to the hospital. I was sad for the mom and her husband; also for her midwife and doula. And to be totally honest, I felt sad for me as well. Why did this have to happen to this woman? Why did it have to be at the birth I thought I NEEDED to regain my faith in birth? I know there is something for me to learn in this experience. Birth is awesome and powerful and it usually goes very smoothly; but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, we are very thankful for medical interventions. Initially this is what I thought I needed to learn from this birth. Now I wonder if there is something more...

I want things to change. I want women to know they have a voice. I want women to know they are not alone. I want women to know they don't need need to suffer. I want women to have more choices. More and more, I don't feel like Midwifery is the way to make these changes, to really help women. Midwives have no power...they are glorified nurses (not in my opinion, but many in the medical field feel this way). Maybe Midwifery isn't my path...what if I need to go down the rocky road of medical school and become an OB? Is that the only way to really make change? To really help women? Do I really want to travel down a much longer road? Do I really want to become a surgeon (yes, I know there are many OBs with very low cesarean birth rates)? So many questions and no answers. How do I make this decision? And when I do, how do I know it is the right decision?

Am I freaking nuts for even considering this???? Someone, say something please.

The power and energy in the room is thick. Women surround a birthing woman with an energy that is overwhelming. There is the birthing woman in all her glory and strength; she is beautiful and strong. Her mother kneels next to her, stroking her back; I've never seen such confidence from a mother. Her doula talks gently, and she knows exactly what to say. The midwife has just arrived and is gently smiling. And there is me, I am watching in amazement and wonderment; tears come to my eyes. This is birth. This is how birth is suppose to be. There are no words in existence that can even come close to the beauty and wonderment I am witnessing at this moment. I am so blessed, nay, we are all blessed. This is birth, a pure birth.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!

I got a 96% on my Developmental Psychology Exam!!! The average grade was 78% and I got a freaking 9%!! Go me!

I need to be studying for my exams right now. I have two tomorrow. One in Algebra and one in Developmental Psychology. Obviously, I'm not studying. I haven't even started to study yet today. I really need to start soon but just can't seem to get motivated.

I'm feeling a bit off again today. I feel like there are a bunch of things that I want to write about but I can't even compose a simple sentence. Parenting, un-parenting, birth, my mom, Lamaze, school...

I need to go study now. Really, I am going to go study right now.

I wish the sun would come out and the weather would warm up, that always seems to help...

In the shower...

I had an "Ah-ha!" moment. This is a crazy idea but to me, and I'm pretty crazy, it makes a whole lot of sense!

My idea. Get rid of the "R" and "D" after politician's names. And for that matter, get rid of the "I" as well. Instead, their names should read "Patrick Leahy, American-VT" or "Orrin Hatch, American-Utah". Because these people, above all else, are American. They were elected to represent the people of the United States of America. It doesn't matter if they are Democrat or Republican because they represent all people in their state...both Democrats and Republicans.

If we did this, maybe people would start to vote for the person with whom they agree with the most on a majority of issues and not vote for a person because of the letter after their name. Why does it freaking matter what letter is after their name? Does anyone really believe 100% in everything their party stands for? And I mean EVERYTHING, not 99.9%? With the exception of the people who created the party I don't think anyone else can truthfully say that! And even those that created the party probably had to compromise on some of their beliefs.

So that's my crazy idea for the day...I'm sure it won't be my last.

I just don't understand...

I was watching Meet the Press this morning and I just don't understand why politicians, both Republicans and Democrats, can't just give a freaking straight answer! I'm starting to feel like so many issues revolve around the long responses to things. Instead of just a simple yes or no they have to go on for another 3 to 4 minutes explaining why they do feel a certain way without saying they feel that way. For example, Tim Russert asked Patrick Leahy (D-VT) if he felt the Attorney General had lied about the firing of US Attorneys. Leahy responded by saying he felt Gonzales has been less than truthful and yadda yadda yadda... So, if he has been less than truthful then the answer to Russert's questions is YES! YES you do feel that he has lied. Next question please.

Facts get twisted, words are misinterpreted, people read between the lines because politicians can't just answer a freaking question! Short and sweet...they just need to keep their answers short and sweet, why is this so hard? It isn't freaking rocket science!

And on the flip side, Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said he has no problem with people from the White House testifying behind closed doors with no oath and no transcripts and he doesn't understand why others are not ok with this. Hmm...I wonder if he would have been ok with Clinton testifying this way about the whole Monica issue. Or if he would be ok with a member of the Mob saying "Ya know, I'm just going to go to a private room and talk with my fellow mobsters about the possible crimes I have committed. And, oh by the way, no one else can come nor are we going to write anything down." Right, 'cause that is going to happen. Why can't these people get their heads out of their asses and just do what is right rather than what their party is telling them is right.

I'm almost done!

With my Lamaze stuff that is. After my classes tomorrow morning, I'm heading to the post office to mail in my exam application and all my paperwork then it will be time to study my ass off for the exam. I'm so happy I decided to take on a smaller amount of credit hours this quarter. Between school, studying for my Lamaze exam, organizing the Doula Day conference and my one client this month, I'll be lucky if I can finish my socks I just started knitting. Well, I'll probably finish them because that's what I do in class...knit and listen. I find I hear what is being said so much more when I am doing something with my hands as opposed to just taking notes. I learned about this in my Passion for Birth training. Adults learn better when they have something in their hands. So now when I teach I make sure I bring little slinkies, stress balls and silly putty.

My other big news of the day: my academic adviser is super impressed with my grades and the improvements I have made. She said with my grades and my professional experience Mt. Caramel would be crazy to not accept me for the Accelerated Track program...lets hope they see it the same way!

Off to study for Lamaze...

My husband

I love my husband. I know he would have preferred to play WoW more last night than we did, but when I was done he got off too and watched a movie with me. I love just snuggling on the couch and watching movies together sometimes. What a great way to end a pretty good day. :)

What I think about when I should be studying...

I'm always amazed at the power of words and kind thoughts, especially from strangers! I find it fascinating that I can find myself in a funk and then read a message from someone I've never even met and feel, quite suddenly, on top of the world! If you're reading this, and you know who you are, thank you again.

I'm also surprised that this surprises me...if that makes any sense! I see it all the time in birth. A woman can be laboring very well and then everything stalls out when her mother-in-law enters the room. This is usually an easy thing to fix but can be difficult when it is the doctor or nurse causing issues. I've seen it far too many times. I wish people realized just how important it is to be surrounded by positive energy. If there are people in the birthing room with mom who don't 100% support her and her choices she probably isn't going to have the type of birth she wants. I try to talk with women and their partners about this ahead of time...sometimes they listen to me and usually they don't. Alas, it isn't my birth. I'm only as effective as mom, her partner and their care providers allow me to be. I can't promise a drug-free birth or a vaginal birth. I can't guarantee a VBAC or that mom won't be lied to or misled. In the end, mom has to decide what kind of birth she wants and then she has to surround herself with people who 100% believe in her ability to have that birth...otherwise, it isn't going to happen. Time and time again I hear women saying how they have their doctor figured out and there is no way they will have the wool pulled over their eyes. Guess what happens after they have spent 38 weeks with their doctor? They realize they have had the wool pulled over their eyes for the last 38 weeks and now it is too late to do much of anything. Sure, some women will be willing to switch doctors but who will they switch to at this point? And for those who don't want to switch, what are their choices? What are the options women are left with?

Something has to change and soon...now to figure out how to make the change. Ideas any one?

College is Hard!

And I'm not talking about the exams! I'm referring to the actually going to class...especially on days like today. It is pouring down rain, I was cuddled up with my sleeping girl when it came time to leave, there is a mom's gathering tonight and I really wanted to watch the end of the Ellen show! Then, once I drive here in the rain and through the traffic, I have to drive around looking for a place to park then walk through the puring rain to get to class. This is the part I find to be the most challenging...actually getting up and getting to class. I don't mind the studying or, depending on what it is, the homework. I know I could take more on-line classes, I just don't do well with those as I tend to not be motivated enough.

Oh well, I'm here now, I suppose I should make the most of it.

I’m not feeling like me. I don’t know how to describe the way I feel…I know it just isn’t me. I don’t like the word depressed. I feel like it is over used and holds no real meaning any more. A person can just be having a bad day and say they are depressed. Besides, I don’t feel depressed…I’ve been there and that feels different.

Empty, lost, tired, verge of tears, confused, angry, frustrated…all of these things rolled into one. I’m experiencing these things on their own and together, all at the same time.

A million questions keep driving through my head. What’s the point of life? What’s the point of birth? Why does it matter if a woman has a good birth? Why does anything matter? The world could end tomorrow so is there really a point to anything? Why do I care more about birth then other women do? Why does it bother me when people say things against natural birthers? Why do I feel so alone and isolated in my own parenting community? Why is it a bad thing to be proud of the way I birthed? Isn’t it a given that all birth stories should be honored? Why does pointing out that all birth stories, not just home and natural birth, should be honored bother me? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with women? Why am I starting to become angry at women? Can’t people see how fucked up this country is when it comes to birth? Can’t women see how much suffering there is? Why are people afraid of my non-vaccinated child but are more than willing to go to the hospital to have a baby? Why won’t my mother speak to me? Why did she give me up for a second time? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? Am I not good enough? Why do I care what she thinks? Why can’t I stop asking all these questions with no answers? Why can’t I just snap out of this, this…funk? Why can’t I just feel like me?

No answers, just questions…more and more questions. Hitting publish before I chicken out.

I have a new niece!

My SIL had her baby this morning!!!! Her first birth was 2 days long, unmedicated and she learned to work with her body and had a great experience but she wished it was a bit shorter. Fast forward to this morning! She woke up around 2 and went downstairs. My brother came down and asked what was going on she said she was starting to have some contractions and sent him back to bed thinking her labor would be long again. She wakes him up around 3:15 and tells him they have to go to the hospital NOW. She goes to the bathroom to pee and her bag of waters releases and the baby starts to crown! She reaches down and births her baby into her arms!!!!!!! I am so proud of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When they got to the hospital the doctor was really excited and jokingly said “This wasn’t in your birth plan!” She is so excited and feels great about her birth! Kailey Renae weighs in at 9 pounds 3 ounces and is 21 inches long!

Exam Hell

I spent the entire day on Tuesday preparing for my Sociology exam. When I don’t think I can be any more stressed about the dumb thing a friend calls and asks if I am sure I have class. Um, of course I have class…wait, why wouldn’t I have class?

Apparently, while I was busy trying to remember the different theories of crime and poverty Mother Nature decided Ohio would look much better with a blanket of fresh snow. At this point, two universities have already canceled classes for the evening, neither of which is where I go. I decided to head out a little early thinking traffic may be a bit heavier than usual. This was at 4:45pm.

I arrive in my class room at 7:15pm. The exam that I drove 2 and a 1/2 freaking hours for has been “canceled and rescheduled for Thursday” according to the note on the white board. No email or post on the on-line bulletin board from the Professor. No attempt to let a single person know that they didn’t have to sit in their car for hours on end or risk their life as the exam was canceled. Nothing. I’m trying to get over it, really, I am.
I now have two more days to stress over a 70 question exam that covers 22 pages of typed notes that is worth 35 points for a class that has a total of 100 points possible (one more exam and a paper). In addition to that exam I also have a make up Psychology exam on Wednesday from missing class to go see Ina May (see previous post) and an Algebra exam on Thursday and a presentation on OCD on Saturday to prepare for.

I now have two of the three exams done and my power point for the OCD presentation done (just need my note cards now). I think I did really well on my Sociology exam and not great on my Psychology exam; not much I can do about that now. I have two hours before my Algebra exam that I don’t know for sure is still tonight as I didn’t go to that class on Tuesday. I know, I know…I drove 2.5 hours all the way to campus so I really should have gone to Algebra. I was too pissed off at my Sociology Professor for not posting online and at the college for not closing to stay on campus…I’m odd, I know.
So what am I doing right now? Writing this. What should I be doing? Reviewing my math. What am I going to do after I post this? Surf the net some more.

I know the math stuff but I feel like I should still at least study a little bit…shouldn’t I? Oh well. Maybe I’ll look over stuff while waiting for the Professor to get to class. Maybe. Lets hear it for procrastination!

Birth

I had the privilege and pleasure to spend my day yesterday with over a hundred women from all walks of life, from all over the state of Ohio and surrounding states and from all different age ranges. The one thing we all share is a passion for birth, more importantly, safe birth for all women. I was surrounded by the most incredible women in birth. Ina May Gaskin, midwife and author of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Jackie Gruer, a CNM from Cincinnati who owned a free standing birth center where she attended births in addition to in the hospital and at home, until she was forced out of practice by unaffordable malpractice costs. JoAnne Davis, a CNM and PhDc who has attended home and hospital births and recently did a study entitled “Midwives’ Perceptions of Normalcy” that was so powerful and moving, I was brought to tears at times and I was not alone. I ate dinner with four beautiful CNMs from Ohio, only one of which is currently practicing as a CNM.

The day was full of laughter, love, anger, frustration, tears, revelations and hope. Every woman there believes, above all else, birth has to be safe. We believe in a woman’s ability to birth her baby and we believe in the appropriate use of modern technology such as cesarean birth. We fully recognize cesareans to be life saving for mothers and babies and not a single woman who was at this conference believes we should have a 0% cesarean birth rate. We also don’t believe we should have a 30.2% cesarean rate either; this is not safe for anyone.

In 1970 the US cesarean rate was 5.5%. In 2005 the cesarean rate sky rocketed to 30.2%. Some will argue that we have saved lives and birth is far safer today than it has ever been. Yes, many lives have been saved by the appropriate use of cesareans, no one argues this. The question, however, is how many lives have been hurt by the misuse of cesareans? In 1982, 7 out of every 100,000 women died in childbirth. As of 2003, 12.3 out of every 100,000 died in childbirth and, sadly, the CDC recognizes this number to be incorrect. They estimate the actual maternal mortality rate to be 1.3 to 3 times higher. Wondering how this can be possible? Reporting of maternal deaths in the US is done via an honor system; there are no penalties for misreporting or failing to report maternal deaths.

Cesareans are not the only factor in the rise of maternal mortality. Drugs used off label to induce labors, such as cytotec, play a role as well. These drugs have dangerous side effects that can lead to complications in both mother and baby. So why do we use them? If these things are so dangerous to moms and babies, why would a room full of doctors cheer at someone yelling “Next year, we’ll have a 100% cesarean rate!”? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Some believe money is a big factor. Others feel it is about control and power.

I don’t know what the answer is or even if we need one. What I do know is this: things need to change. We have a “pathological fear” when it comes to birth. Birth is mysterious and we are told horror stories from many women around us. Women no longer trust in their ability to birth, they fear it. When we birth, we let our brains drive; we need to put our brains in the back seat and let our bodies drive. Women need to know what to be scared of and it isn’t birth! We need to look at our fears and examine the aspects that scare us and what we can do about them. Will there still be cesarean births? Yes! Again, I am in no way saying there should be a 0% cesarean rate; there are reasons to have a cesarean, it can be life saving and sometimes the only way a baby can safely be born or a woman can safely birth. Rather, I am saying that perhaps we should not be so casual about cesarean birth.

There is often debate among women when it comes to birth. Some feel that people who birthed naturally should be applauded by all. Others feel that those who had epidurals are smart and those who didn’t want one are crazy. Some feel like failures if they didn’t have a certain type of birth. Many women feel judged by others about their birth. We need to realize something; there is no right or wrong way to birth. It really doesn’t matter how a woman births as long as she is respected and is given the ability to make informed choices. The judging and debating each other has to stop, it serves no one but doctors. If we are busy judging others and arguing with each other about who had a better birth, how will we have energy to question them?

There are some women asking questions and trying to make change, but it will take more. What would happen if we stopped putting all our energy into judging and/or debating each other or feeling guilty about our birth and, instead, used that energy to ask questions and demand evidenced based care? We are the richest country in the world yet only one other developed country has a higher maternal mortality rate than we do, this is a problem! Something needs to change. Women, babies and families are being hurt both physically and emotionally. We need to work together to bring forth progress, to make changes.

Women will not be alone in our quest for change. There are OBs who refuse to do unnecessary cesareans and have to go to a different hospital because they won’t fulfill a cesarean rate quota (http://birthnewsblog.blogspot.com/2005/06/doctor-wont-make-cut.html). Some are even loosing their license to practice due to having a low cesarean rate (http://millinersdream.blogspot.com/2005/10/youre-fired.html).

Where do we start? Education is key. But how do we teach women to trust in their body’s ability to give birth and teach them that there are exceptions but those exceptions are in no way failures? We can teach women ways to maximize the possibility of vaginal birth according to Ina May:

· Low sounds

· Humor for pain relief

· The recognition of the sexuality of birth helps

· Rope pulling aids descent

· Slow crowning

· The Sphincter Law rules

o Sphincters don’t obey orders

o Sphincters function best in atmospheres of intimacy and privacy

o Sphincters may suddenly close when intimacy, privacy or trust are violated

o Sphincters open most effectively when mouth and jaw are open and relaxed

· It is safe to eat and drink

· “Apple-shaking” helps

· Orgasms happen

Other things to remember, according to Ina May, are:

· When it hurts—smile!

· Relaxed mouth and throat=relaxed bottom

· Intimacy is needed in birth

Thinking I am crazy for some of these things? Ina May had us try something, you try it too and you’ll understand. Tighten your perineum; squeeze it as hard as you can. Now smile big! What happened? Were you able to keep your perineum tight while smiling? Probably not. We need to have a relaxed face in order to have a relaxed perineum. Think about toddlers who are filling their diapers. We can tell they are pooping because they have this relaxed, semi smile on their face. We need to do the same thing in birth.

We also need to celebrate birth, all birth! Tell women your favorite part of birth and don’t scare them! Tell them about the first time you heard your baby make a sound or you got to look into his eyes. What it was like to touch this being you just brought into the world for the first time. To look at him and smell his sweet baby smell. The more women hear how horrible birth is, the more they will dread and fear it. On the flip side, the more women hear others speak about birth in a positive way the more they will look forward to it. And if a birth didn’t go well, let a mom be sad or angry or happy. Ask her about the good parts of her birth and let her talk about the ugly ones too.

I end this with hope and fear. Fear that some people will not understand my passion or feel that I believe birth has to be a certain way. I don’t believe in a certain way of birthing, there is no such thing as normal birth, there is only birth. My hope is that all birthing women will know how incredible they are for bringing a baby into this world. My hope is that one day all birthing woman and all birth will be celebrated, respected and honored.