I am struggling with so much right now. My emotions and feelings towards Christmas, my mom, my birth mom, one of my closest friends.

I'm really struggling this Christmas. What is the meaning of it?

We can't afford to buy our kids much this year and I'm really sad about it. Four days until Christmas and we haven't purchased a single gift which will be from us. I've gotten the kids clothes for my mom (with the gift card she sent) and we got the Wii for my dad (for which he paid for) but nothing from us. I did get paid last night so we can start shopping some tonight and some tomorrow night but it still won't be much. And my struggles aren't just about gifts. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. The song "Where are you Christmas" keeps playing over and over in my head. The poorly done "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (the one with Jim Carey) has made me cry. I sobbed watching "The Nativity Story" and I'm not even Christian...though I do believe in Jesus and his birth story and how/why he died. I hate that my kids think Christmas is all about getting, getting, getting. I didn't want to raise them this way and I'm not entirely sure how they got this way either. Now I have the song "Shroud" running through my head. One line from the song is about Christmas..."I had to leave the house of privilege, spent Christmas homeless and feeling bad, to learn that privilege is a headache that you don't know that you don't have." Every time I hear this song my brain goes crazy...I don't know how a person could not be moved by it.

I want Christmas to be about giving, helping, love, family, and getting. I am just not feeling any of these things this year and I'm sad about it.

I miss my moms...both of them. Pat (my adopted mom) lives in Florida. She used to work retail and couldn't come see us for Christmas. We went to her once or twice but I won't travel anymore on Christmas, it isn't fair to the kids. She left retail and moved to Florida where she got a job at a bank. She was so excited to not be in retail any more and told me she would be able to spend holidays with us now. This is her first Christmas not working retail and she's staying in Florida. She says it is a money issue. I don't know if I believe her or not, regardless, I feel like if she wanted to be here she could be. I miss her terribly.

I miss Jackie too. Jackie is my birth mom. We haven't talked in almost two years and while I've felt ok about this for a while now, I've still missed her. Now I'm missing her even more. Maybe it was my sister coming up to get something that triggered it. My sister made a comment that Jackie wanted her to get healthy because she wants her to be able to have kids someday, it is important to Jackie she have grandkids from my sister. My heart broke when she said that. I blurted out "She has two grandkids she ignores." My sister didn't say anything. I miss her so much. I wish I could have one more hug and hear I love you one more time. I wish I knew why she won't talk to me anymore.

Funny, I used to be such a daddy's girl and when I became a mom it seems both of my moms became so much more important to me. I have one other mom (my adopted dad's second wife) and I do love her very much, just not the same as I do Pat and Jackie.

I don't know how to talk with a friend about something. I feel like a price tag was put on our friendship. This isn't about a Wii...that's just silly, a strong friendship can't end over a game. This is about how much our friendship is worth. To offer someone something, something which is hard to find, then to take back that offer because you can make a couple hundred dollars...that just isn't ok. Friends don't do things like this to each other. This isn't what Christmas is about.

To add to it, I woke up this morning with a very odd energy about me. I didn't want Jim to go. Even now, I feel very uneasy that he isn't here. Even more odd, he feels the same way. I wish we all hadn't been so sick last week otherwise he would have stayed home today. I can't explain how I'm feeling. It isn't emotional, though when I think about it I do get emotional. More of a sense of him needing to be here...of feeling as if something is missing.

On a bright note, I had a great birth at OSU on Sunday. Mom and dad were absolutely amazing. Certainly one of the best births I've ever attended at OSU and ranks pretty high among all my births.

Also, I'm finally working on the midwifery video. Need to get that finished. I'll post it when I can.